Interesting in Current Events

Bev asked for a pretty big favour from me. She has a job opportunity that will pay well and that has great hours and benefits and that would allow her to provide better for her family. She doesn’t have her boys in a before and after program so she has to try and find a way to make it work. She asked her ex if it was possible for him to step up and either bring his children to school or pick them up. He responded with you need to learn to not be dependant on me. Bev was smart enough to not respond even though that was a selfish response on his part. This guy has to make everything about him and this is actually all about his kids. He’s a narcissist, like a real one. I assume that he will come around, I hope anyway, I hope this is just one of those oh we’re not in a relationship anymore so lets be vindictive and spiteful to create some distance from the hurt and pain of not being in love anymore type things. Anyways, the favour she has asked of me is if I can bring her boys to school until they get into a before and after program. I did this for my sister and then some and I have a million entries complaining about it lol. I was just so tired and making it somebody else’s fault. Do I want to do this for her? I want to want to. I have the ability to respond so, therefore, I have a responsibility here to help. It’s not my responsibility but it is what it is. The store hours at the place I will be working at does give me the time to do so. However, my hours there until the store actually opens does not give me that ability. I think that I will do this for her. I owe her but I’m trying not to look at it that way. I have a “responsibility” here and she won’t get mad or anything if I do say no. I won’t feel good saying no. I do have some anxiety about it. Her oldest, who is eight, can be difficult. I suspect that once he is comfortable enough with me he will start lashing out. Which is something I’ve heard that I should be somewhat happy about. That I created a space for someone to feel comfortable to express themselves? I can’t remember, I don’t listen to understand parenting advice whenever I’m knee-deep into self-improvement stuff. Wait, is my mind creating problems already? Fuck you brain and your annoying ways.

Something interesting did happen yesterday while I was eating breakfast with her and her boys. Her youngest son said to me Tommy I have a crush on you and then he gave me a big hug. It was cute and innocent and Bev responded with I thought you wanted to keep that a secret and then laughed it off. Nobody there wanted to make any type of deal about it and just let it be what it is so that Desmond, her youngest, doesn’t develop a belief that it is wrong to have a crush on boys. However, I didn’t know what to say. Boy or girl, I’m just always a little afraid that I will say something wrong to a kid and destroy their fragile little minds forever lol. I was eight when I told my mother that I had a crush on a boy and she and my gay uncle explained to me what gay was and how society doesn’t like it (it was the 90s and we didn’t enter the awkward commodification of gay men phase yet.) That moment created a limited belief that affected me my whole life by accident. I was pretty committed to believing that everybody thought that something was wrong with me and that I could never be good enough for them. Oops! I developed social anxiety as I never felt that I belonged to a pack. Never had that security going out into the world so I developed some agoraphobia also. Oops again!

Anyways, I do feel kind of lost because I’m currently not lost as I finally obtained some employment. I’m still open to any other job opportunities that might come my way. I haven’t closed the door on anything like that. I mentioned 900, 575, 204 entries ago that I was hoping to have a better mindset when I start a new job. I felt so stuck at the restaurant I was at for 13 years. I didn’t know how to quit it. I felt like I invested so much. We go from grade one to two all of the way through life waiting for the next step and that created a little expectation in me that I always need to be wanting more from work. Promotion wise, salary-wise etc. It was never enough because I always felt that I needed the next thing. Towers of gold are still too little. These hands could hold the world and it’ll never be enough. Never be enough. I don’t want that garbage going into the next employment. I think it will be fine. I’m trying not to overthink anything. So far so good. I still need to get my meds though. Blah, I should go do my old Sunday routine and get those pills. Did you know that it is easier to have faith when you can pay your bills? Man, my situation is sad and scary and it is a lot of work to keep my head on gay. To believe that things can actually be better. Anyways, ta!