Category Is: Luck, Love and Lollipops in Current Events

I don’t feel nervous about the interview today. Not yet anyway. That will likely change the moment I pull up to the building. Worry and excited are the same physical experience so all I have to do is keep the context clean so that I can be excited about the opportunity. There would be a lot of change if I got hired so I am prepared for my ego to put up a fight. You’ll be nice and safe if you don’t try. Stay down here in the pits and be depressed. You’ll be safe and sound with me and with everything you know.

I tried to get my prescription refilled yesterday but apparently I didn’t have any refills available? I did not know that was a thing. I procrastinated and didn’t even leave the house until after 8pm to get groceries and I have to wait for a fax from my doctor. I actually ran out the other day and I was really starting to feel it. I put the Tom in tomorrow after all. I don’t think I should have been driving. I take my pill around six so that’s when I start getting the headache and feeling groggy and drowsy and confused. I got so flustered. I immediately tried to make this my doctor’s fault. This isn’t even a big deal but I was so upset and I started to feel like I was spiralling on my way home. I lived my BDP all over again and experienced everything on the mood spectrum within just one hour. That’s what happens when I slip into my Oscar-winning victim role. It’s the performance of lifetime folks. Everything becomes about me and I become flabbergasted whenever I am faced with the fact that I don’t control the universe. I didn’t act out or lash out though. I went through Russel Brand’s worksheet in my head about resentment. Worked like a charm! I laughed at myself when I got home. I’ll get my prescription today. I’m also packing my hoe kit and crashing at Bev’s tonight. I won’t be hoeing though lol. We’re making tacos and a bunch of other stuff for her and the boys. Mine will be the vegan version though, I don’t think she is making the whole thing vegan for everybody. We’ll see. Then we’re doing yoga with her boys also. Tacos… then yoga? That sounds like a bad idea but I don’t eat dairy so this should be fine lol.

The “script” I’m giving Becky with the good hair, the manager at this art supply store I’m being interviewed for today, is that she will absolutely love my personality and want to hire me for my previous work experience also. I’m cute, I’m moderately intelligent, I’m wise, I’m witty and I’m kind… and I’m a pathological liar. I prefer to be myself at all times, I hate feeling phony and insincere. I don’t care what anybody says about how I should behave in an interview. I’m only nervous about one question, the one where they ask why I was let go from my last job. People want me to lie, bend the truth and use a lot of doublespeak about it but I’m not going to do that. I haven’t exactly owned that story but I am going to do that today. I followed policy and reported a predator Operations Manager to my boss who told me to be one of the boys and so I went over his head and brought it to head office and the company decided to protect the predator and then silence me and all of the victims. I’ll leave out the part where I experienced a direct retaliation from my employers and then suffered a lot of narcissistic abuse from them. Blame shifting, gaslighting, learned helplessness.... you know how it is. If Becky with the good hair has a problem with my belief that women and employees are vulnerable in the workplace then I don’t want her to hire me. If you stand between somebody and their career progression then they are vulnerable and you should stay off of them. I’m old fashioned that way. After reading Gretchen Carlson’s book Be Fierce I see how I used to be an enabler, if not a monster to women in the past. I have so much misogyny to deprogram. I want a future for my niece where she is safe and respected and if I want that change in the world then I will have to be that change in the world. I know how to protect myself and how to educate women in the workplace on how to protect themselves in a predatory culture so I will use that in the future. The cultural shift is happening and I want to be on the right side of it. I don’t know how to help the cause but I’ll just focus on my behaviour for now. If I get a manager position then I will do what I can there. Installing women into as many decision making roles as possible is a shortcut to a safe work culture for them. Also, pay them for what they’re worth! If I’m not in a manager position I will report or deal with any indignities instead of just being a bystander this time around. I lost my last job doing the right thing but I am not going to let that stop me from doing the right thing in the future. I hope. If I’m offered a million dollars I will be a sellout. Jk.

I don’t know what the position is I’m being interviewed for but I am open to anything. My mind has that habit of thinking negatively and being afraid. A habit is a tendency and a tendency is something that happens without nurture so if I don’t consciously work on what my mind is doing it is going to slip into the usual thinking that causes high anxiety. Anxiety which leads to undesired behaviours. My mind is trying to worry about the usual three types of fear of pain.
The loss pain: all of the things that I will lose by taking on a new job. Sleeping in, people feeling sorry for me etc.
The process pain: all of the things that I will have to do to make this change. The drive, the making of new new relationships with coworkers. Starting something new I’ve never done before.
The what if pain, what if nobody likes me? What if I suck at this job and they fire me? What if the pay sucks and the hours suck? I have to consciously focus on the gains and everything that I would be adding to my life. I have to remind myself why this process is worth it and that it won’t take long before I get comfortable doing it. I got to think about all the good what if’s. Like what if I make a new best friend? What if it does all workout? I have to organize my thoughts into three categories. The circle of things I can control. Myself, my willingness to change etc. The circles of things that I can influence. People, places and things like that. I can influence Becky with the good hair to want to hire me. Then the circle of concerns. Things I can’t control like weather, the economy and things like that which can affect me but I can’t control them. I sound all weird and serious here but for those who don’t know my story here, I was at the top of my game this time last year. Work was never better, my finances were never better, my relationships were never better, my health was never better and I was still not happy or content. When you need water you feel thirsty, when you need food you feel hungry and when you need to grow? You feel stuck. When I lost it all… I was like, well I was already filled with anxiety and stress when I had everything and I’m still filled with anxiety and stress without everything so it is clearly not the content in my life that needs to change. It’s the context. That’s when I started this “self-improvement” journey. This spiritual awakening. “Spiritual” being the world of the unseen, the world of emotion. Having faith that I can become something greater than myself. To create a god and culture for myself that loves me. Making that eighteen-inch journey and connecting my head to my heart. To become whole and holy. This job loss induced enlightenment for me. I feel that is was meant to happen. The most important decision a person can make, according to Einstein, is whether you live in a friendly or hostile universe. Both are true. I choose to believe that life is not happening to me but for me. All of my obstacles were removed and I learned that I can’t live my life the way that I was. It wasn’t working. That living a life where I am trying to make myself happy might not the point. I can’t find happiness. I can find purpose and then happiness will grow within me. I want to add value to others. I have my plan and goals to make that happen for me. I need help along the way and I want to turn around help others along the way also.

Blah, I’m just trying to organize my thought and feelings here. To inspire myself so that I don’t have to feel afraid. I should go get myself ready for Becky with the good hair. If I get hired I’m mostly excited to not be working in a restaurant. Working in kitchens sucks. Especially in the summer. I hope they hire me. Wish me luck, love and lollipops!

EDIT
I got hired on the spot. It’s for a brand new location so they’ve hired 70 temp positions. I can obtain a permanent position once the dust settles at that store. I know that I can make myself valuable enough to be kept on. I tend to respect the work no matter what it is. It’s for a sales cashier position to start which is exactly what I wanted. I don’t want to jump into any stressful management positions right away. Becky with the good hair was strung the fuck out. I don’t miss that. I don’t feel like I am just waiting around anymore. This isn’t a career choice but just a first step toward… other stuff.

Last updated February 22, 2020