What an intense week I have had. Starting on Friday of last week, I was having a panic attack when I took that Chemistry test. It lasted for hours. When I got home, I told him about it and he was ready to come all the way out here to comfort me. I have never had that happen before. I could literally feel my heart glowing when he was talking about doing that. I was so touched by that. I told him he didn't need to do that though. It was just a rough time. I told him that I was seriously considering dropping this class. He talked me through it and convinced me to stick it out. I just didn't go to class on Saturday and that was exactly what I needed. I just hunkered down and put the work in and it was totally worth it.
Anyways, shit that happened during the week... he was right there. George pretty much broke my heart AGAIN and it was Lou to the rescue. I was feeling better about that within hours. So... Saturday, he came to mil to meet that side of my family. I know that had to be hard for him but he did it. He even dressed up nice for that too. He was so perfect. I was really hoping for a moment when he and I could be alone but it never happened. So when he had to leave I walked him out to say goodbye. We hugged and this time he held onto me after the hug. He wrapped his arms around my waist. I was surprised. Then we hugged again and did a quick peck on the lips and he kind of backed off. I was even more surprised about that. I don't think it's me initiating the kissing here... I just don't get it.
Either way, we started texting/chatting online later. I sent him a pic of a man and a woman kissing and I told him that's what I want to do. He seemed pretty happy about that and said he wanted to too. Then things got pretty steamy. I was liking it a lot. He makes me feel some way. I can't even explain it. It borders on massively horny but it's not coming from the same place it usually comes from. I almost think that it's a sexual desire but that it's one that is coming from the heart. I have never experienced anything like this before. It has been 4 and 1/2 months and we have barely had a kiss. I have never been with anyone before who has made ME work for it.
He is taking the last Saturday in March off from work so we can spend time together without him having to leave for work. I have to wonder if he is planning on that being the day we do it for the first time. Idk... I kind of want to be able to be with him like that... a lot. But at the same time, I don't know if I want to yet.
I haven't met any of his people. I do worry that he may feel super guilty after doing this. He may decide at some point that he isn't ready for any of this. If I bare my soul to him by being with him in that way... it would crush me if he decides we can't be together anymore. But this yearning I have for him is burning deep down inside and it's getting really hard to contain. I worry that if I do start kissing him like that I will have no defenses left. I want to be physical with him. I want to feel him inside of me... over and over again. I want to feel that a lot. I want the touch, the taste, the intimacy of it all. Maybe I should change the title of this to conflicted lol.
Either way, I wouldn't be feeling any of this if it wasn't for how beautiful he is. Even though I haven't met his people yet, he has done so many other things that tell me that he's feeling it for me. I know that actions speak louder than words but telling the world about "us" isn't the only way to show your love for someone. He helped my gf move... a woman he has never even met before. We talk every day. We get together as often as we can. He buys me little things. He offers me support in my life. He shows concern... I know he cares. I do worry that in my usual fashion, I am reading too much into this whole thing and see what I want to see. I want him to love me because I have fallen for him. He is def worth the fall though.
Please pray for me.