Hey. What a weekend! My life has been on such a downhill slope since my truck died three and a half months ago. So far, I’ve spent over $5,000 on this thing. But it’s literally all I have left from the apartment. The last bit of you. Remember when I bought it, you rode in it with me when we picked up your car from the shop? You were so scared because it’s a big truck and I was kinda driving all over the place. But it made us laugh. That was when we were on our break. It was so nice to be able to laugh with you then…even if it wasn’t all of the time.
I got my truck back yesterday! Finally! Definitely worth the time and money, because when I got hopped back into that front seat, your picture was still there on my visor. YOU were still there, and I grinned when I looked at that beautiful smile I miss so much. Saturday, I had a Christmas party for work. It was at that hotel a couple of houses down from you. I hadn’t been down your road since we stopped talking. Not gonna lie…it hurt. I got pretty drunk that night. I’m surprised I managed to not stumble to your house just to say I’m sorry. Good thing is, I know I still have some good self control when I’m smashed.
This girl messaged me today. She’s liked me for a while. A long time before you, I tried to be with her. But at the time, she didn’t want the commitment. When I got with you, she wanted me bad. She’s been talking to me now as friends. I talk about you often with her. I don’t look at her the same as she looks at me and she knows it. She’s been asking me to make a decision on weather be with her or don’t have her in my life at all. I told her I would hang out with her yesterday. I said it depends on what I was doing at the time. She hit me up, but I never responded because I was watching the game and then my truck was ready to pick up. After that, I forgot to message her back.
I got a text from her this morning…she was pissed. She threatened to block me. So I told her to do it, because I’m done with her attitude. She does not understand what it’s like to miss someone because she has never been in a serious, long-term relationship. So I was told to grow up and she called me arrogant. She ended with this....”No wonder she left you, I wouldn’t want to deal with your shit either”.
.............Am I really that bad?
I know she might just be saying this because she’s upset…but I look back on everyone who comes into my life…and they always end up leaving. Friends, girlfriends, and family. They all disappear. Am I really that bad? I feel like a pretty good guy. I have a really big heart and always try to put others before myself. I know that I make a lot of mistakes and come across as a complete asshole but I just feel broken and don’t really know how to feel anything else. You know I don’t like myself. Yet the ONE thing I take pride in....or used to....is my compassion for someone else. How much I can bring joy to someone. Yet this always happens…am I the common denominator here? Am I really that bad?
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