Accordingly in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

  • Dec. 12, 2019, 12:49 p.m.
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So....
Today is a little busier. Not “running around crazy” busy but at least my morning is entirely spoken for. Afternoon? Not as much, but both morning and afternoon involve me attempting to sell logic to emotional people. THAT is the hard part of this job.
Example:
Two neighbors who absolutely HATE each other. One neighbor lets her kids run around doing whatever they want. The other neighbor is furious that the children are nightmare little terrors. Police have been involved multiple times to simply tell these women TO LEAVE EACH OTHER ALONE and specifically NOT TO ENTER ONTO ONE ANOTHER’S PROPERTY! Well.... tyrant kids were throwing a ball and being loud and swearing and acting like they own the street. Neighbor marched over to the Mom’s yard, entering onto her property, and started royally shrieking at these kids and insulting them and shouting some pretty nasty things. Mom runs outside and pushes the lady away from her kids screaming “Get the fuck off my property.” Neighbor Lady (and friend) attack the mom, rough her up, then leave.
Trespassing and Assault. Except Defendant is so furious that her neighbor isn’t being held responsible that she isn’t willing to plead to anything. Wants us to go to court, have a jury trial, and prove our case solely because she thinks that after a jury hears about how terrible a neighbor the mom is, they’ll see that she was right.
::face palm::

Lady!! Here’s the truth about the law. My neighbor could literally intentionally set fire to my yard. If I decide to smash out all of her windows in retaliation? We’re BOTH criminals. If she calls the cops, but I didn’t… I’M the only one getting charged!

Dammit speaking logic to people is… like speaking a fucking foreign language too often!!

This is the exhausting thing, sometimes. You’ve got criminal defendants who refuse to accept that LAW matters. Meanwhile, you have government officials who refuse to accept that LAW matters. IS IT ANY WONDER WHY WE NOW LIVE IN A WORLD WHERE PERSONAL ACCOUNTABILITY IS DYING?!

In other news…

I’m seeing my therapist today. I’m going to take my advice to Wife and take charge of the session. I get that Therapist wants to do a “routine check in” to see how I am dealing with thoughts about the separation and that is certainly where we’ll start. But I need to get her to focus on the anxiety issues because those have been lifelong. And while they certainly play a part in the separation and after effects of that? The issue is bigger. I need to be able to stand solo, to not freak out about people not liking me… ultimately to heal from the issues I went through with Wife and with Aku. I mean… my “best” two relationships are:
A marriage without I Love You or a healthy sex life; or
A girlfriend that ignored my boundaries, pressured me into things I didn’t want to do, and then tried to rape and kill me when I left her.
THOSE are my two best relationships?! Yeah, I’ve got some serious self-work to do!!

Here is the thing though. I am not shaky about this separation. Re-read my last last 6 years at random… this has been a long time coming and is bloody necessary. I embrace that. I embrace that this needs to happen. Hell, if I hadn’t put forward the idea of divorce, I still likely wouldn’t have had sex or heard an I love you! Honestly! And that is worth knowing and worth considering. So I know this is the right thing to do. And yet I am possessed of that feeling… what if all this does is prove that what I had was the best I could get? What if this separation does nothing more than highlight in giant neon letters:
The only relationship you can get where you are attracted to her, have mutual interests, and can tolerate one another is your marriage!

That is going to make me cry. I am almost to the point of tears right now just thinking about that. Because while Martha is capable of being a better wife and person than she has been for the last 8 years… the fact that she didn’t care to try says something to me and hurts me. It means that our marriage was shitty and that I didn’t deserve to be treated unkind, abusively, or at best- as an after thought.

But still… that little voice says, “Better an afterthought than no thought.” And I look through things like OKCupid and do you know what? Apparently, all of the attractive women live in Minnesota. Because even though I’d prefer to find “Only within 100 miles of me”, they send me things like “St. Paul Minnesota” and “Omaha, Nebraska” and “Scottsdale, Arizona” profiles! And do you know what? Apparently, for every Minnesota or Wisconsin girl that looks attractive, interesting, and has a higher than 70% match with me? There are about 85 girls in Iowa that look methed out, furious at the concept of healthy living, or mention hard drugs in their profile.
And then FetLife… oh, buddy. I’ve always known I needed to visit the Islands Across the Pond… I’ve been obsessed with Ireland my whole life and my English Roots are strong and call me home. But damn, kid. Apparently, now I really need to visit!

You see… the only people that have thus far commented on anything I’ve written on FetLife are in the United Kingdom. And some of them… are definitely very attractive. I wonder if that would be a possibility for me in my future ever. A trip to the Britain to see friends, enjoy the sites, and see if I could pick up a bird or two.

Nah, that isn’t me. At least not the present me. Who knows what future me will be like? But for now… as difficult as it is to cut through the anxiety and embrace… I know what I need to do.

I need to:

Focus on my own physical health. I need to start cooking for myself, make sure it is healthy and filling, and make sure to eat regularly. I also need to make sure I am getting daily exercise and keeping myself in good physical condition.

Focus on my own social health. I need to make sure I am reaching out to friends and family; spending time with others; and making sure I don’t sit at home, alone, being miserable.

Focus on my own financial health. I need to start making sure I am charting my spending, my income, and figuring out what to do as far as investments and retirement.

Focus on my own emotional health. I was raised in a world where I thought “finding my someone” was the most important mission I would ever be on. I need to work on recognizing that as bullshit. BEING SOMEONE is the most important mission I will ever be on. I need to start working on that mission… I’m a little behind and have some catching up to do.

Focus on my own hobbies and learning. I want to cosplay; I love the idea of dressing up as a character as a way of semi-advertising “I love this character!!” I have no talents in sewing, fabricating, or makeup. But I should start trying to learn! And there are other things like writing and reading that I can return to enjoying now that my time isn’t spent in futile service trying to please someone who doesn’t care.

These are things things I know I need to do. But I’ve… never focused on my own needs before. It… may take a while to get used to. To understand.


TrippyNina December 12, 2019

Minnesota girls are the best! (I'm born and raised in Minneapolis)
I truly believe you will find a great partner.
xoxoxoxoxo

still, i rise. December 12, 2019

Definitely focus on those things first!! You’ve been second place for so long, time to put yourself first.

It’s normal to worry if what we have is the best we can get. I had those fears. Don’t let the “what if’s” get in the way. What IF those fears are wrong? That’s a chance worth taking!

Nash December 12, 2019

You are going to be fine, likely your ex is going to be fine too. It should not be a competition, you should root for her to do well. I think you have a good plan, put yourself first for a change and do not compromise.

Purple Dawn December 13, 2019

I feel like you are putting the cart before the horse. Have you got a lawyer for your legal separation yet? The rest will come when it is time for it to. You'll be fine and meet people if you get out and do things. When is the wife leaving? jmo :) take care,

Park Row Fallout Purple Dawn ⋅ December 13, 2019

:) You're not wrong; but anxiety is excellent at putting carts before horses. I do have an attorney and we have some plans in place. Right now we've got a kind of three step deadline approach. Apartment Hunting needs to be under way in earnest by end of month; prefer Apartment found by mid January; moving out end of January. Of course... Iowa is weird in that it takes 90 days for a Separation to go from "filed" to "in effect" due to "cool off periods" but I'm thinking giving her 90 days from filing to move out is way too much time(!!)

Purple Dawn Park Row Fallout ⋅ December 13, 2019

I think it's too much time too. If my husband wanted to separate from me I'd be out of there so fast his head would spin...that's just me though. Maybe the "cooling off period" is a good idea in general but damn. It seems to give her false hope. I think she's still in denial and won't go until you push her out the door. Take care, and yes, there is nothing wrong with running scenario's through your mind, I just worry that you will meet someone too soon and they will run for the hills when the find your wife is still in the picture.

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