Immediate Thoughts in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019

  • Dec. 6, 2019, 6:57 a.m.
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Everyone just left.

“J.D” and “Julia” and Remus and Victoria and Remus and Victoria’s children just left.

And how would I assess the evening?

I suppose I would call it a success. It certainly appeared that everyone had an enjoyable time. There was laughter and discussion and jokes and bonding.

So tell me… why do I feel like an outsider?

JD and Julia were.... romantic… but not excessively so. Remus and Victoria were… themselves. They clearly share a deep love for each other and for their children. And yet; also clearly demonstrate a genuine affection and appreciation to others in a romantic sense.

As I expected… I find Remus to be… a fascinating conundrum. Very much like me in many extremely important ways. Very much different from me in many extremely important ways. Genuinely like… an interesting This Universe multi-verse form.

I still don’t know if Victoria finds me attractive after the haircut and shave. I still don’t know if Victoria or Remus would be willing to help me explore the world without being so tightly wound.

All I know is… I had a reasonable amount of fun tonight and I do hope that everyone enjoyed themselves. Right now… that is enough for me. But the truth is- it won’t always be. I sense the feeling of outsider. The One Uncoupled. The One Unable to Let Go. I sense it.

And I’ll tell you what… it is enough to make me re-think a thing or two. I’m still going to go ahead with the Separation. Obviously. I mean… I’ve been miserable for how many years?! There’s no way I would back out of this now. But… it does make me doubt my potential success in the future. I mean… in some ways… how could I not? Tonight, I was hanging out with the only 4 people in this entire county who I know socially who are not also married to me. All 4 of them are in committed, if unique, relationships. Yes, one of the women may want to fuck me… but I think we all know I need more in my life than a good shag. I mean, hell. This week proves that. So far I am 4 for 4 on shitty days at the office. And not just shitty days of, “I made a mistake and people were mad.” I’m talking shitty days of “Someone expressly demanded that I break the law; I refused; and now I’ve been getting harassed by powerful people.”

The truth is… I need a relationship in my life where I feel emotionally supported. My marriage wasn’t that because in every way I was feeling deeply neglected. Pathfinder isn’t that because… I’m the “new guy” and “the outsider”… not to mention “the old guy” and “the guy with money.” And as sexual and gorgeous as Victoria is? There is no emotional there. She specifically stated that if anything happened between us it would be because she wanted to know if she could be Friends With Benefits to someone.

And sure. Maybe I do need to learn how to be FWB. Maybe I do really need to learn to loosen up, relax, and not worry so much. That would be great to learn. But it is honestly one of those skill sets that is not naturally within me. I honestly don’t know how to… exude sexuality, be charming, be laid back. I am… an intense guy… living an intense life.

I don’t know. I just.... as much fun as tonight was… it wasn’t what I expected. And honestly, I would love to be the guy that could fuck Victoria, learn how to go with the flow from Remus, and really come into my own sexually and in relationships. But I… I just don’t see that happening.

Mostly… I see a 35 year old man… trying to hang out with 26 year olds… and he’s drinking too much and wondering why he can’t live a life of joy or pleasure.


Amaryllis December 06, 2019

That sounds really difficult. The first stop of the loneliness express as part of your seperation. I can't say it gets better, but it is necessary. Hugs.

Perpetually Plump December 06, 2019

I was absolutely crushed when I left my husband. Because I failed. Because I broke my word. Because I was alone in the world again. Because of more reasons than I can ever recall. And then I was alone. For a long time. I dated and had sex. I picked men who were not what I needed. I had a serious relationship that ended very poorly. I was alone for years afterwards, but I learned a lot being alone. One of those things is that a lot of people were envious of my alone time and freedom. I got to do whatever I wanted to do whenever I wanted to do it. I hung out with a lot of married people because of my age. I was the third wheel. Or fifth wheel. I went to game nights as the only uncoupled person. And I just couldn't be bothered to care, because why? No one liked me any less. And if they judged me, I didn't care, because I had a great time anyway. Did I look for a partner most of that time? Yes. For sure. And finally, I found one. A good one. We've been together for over 2.5 years. And we haven't moved in together. We don't plan on moving in together. And that's because I value my freedom and independence so much that I don't want to give it up. Not even for my boyfriend whom I can absolutely see spending the rest of my life with. And we do double dates and couple shit. We work parties and entertain everyone at dinners. We roll up in expensive cars, looking like we just fell out of some hip, alternative magazine. We both have Kick-Ass jobs. And adventures. And stories. We tell stories and make people laugh their asses off. We pass by each other when we're out, and we share a quick kiss or he'll squeeze my butt. If we're seated, he'll run his hand down my thigh and dart his fingers between my legs just as a nod of acknowledgement. And then we go home, and I have to change my bandages for the skin cancer I got cut off and he keeps bugging me to let him draw a penis on my fresh bandage. And he has to put tea tree oil on his fire ant bites and I tease him about being soft since he didn't grow up here. We banter and tease and touch and kiss. I love how we function. But it took him 18 years in a shitty ass marriage and finding me to have this. And it took me a shitty childhood. Shitty marriage. And many years of learning about myself and my likes and dislikes and how to be my best version of me before I could have THIS relationship. And of course, it took finding the right partner, too. That was key.

Do you really think your friends look at you as the guy with money? Your house is very modest with older furnishings, and you drive an entry level car. Plus, you're a public attorney. literally nothing about that screams "this guy has money". I suspect they do not view you that way unless they have very little life experience. Even when I was in my mid-20's though, I could walk into someone's house that they had purchased or were renting and make assumptions about their income based on furnishings, car, house decor, house location, and house quality. I just think that's an interesting way that you view yourself...and perceive that other people view you.

hippiechica15 December 06, 2019

Forward movement is forward movement, even with the shitty thoughts. Don't overthink it (I know, difficult!!) and go with the flow. You're moving forward to a more positive mindspace which will help you to see the GOOD possibilities.

For FWB to work you def need rules like Victoria is setting up, but it's still not great long term esp when you are someone who likes to commit. This coming from someone who married her long time FWB...

TrippyNina December 06, 2019

You seem like a relationship guy. Not a FWB guy. Obviously, I don't know you except from what you've written here but I found FWB situations difficult, confusing and stressful...only because I'm a monogamous at heart and FWB didn't feel secure to me.

still, i rise. December 06, 2019

like the others, I too would say no to doing a FWB. It sounds good in theory but always feels empty. To be honest I’d rather have a one night stand than a FWB. I think it’s a little easier to process.

I think once you’re separated and once the divorce itself is over, life will not be so intense. You’ll be able to fall into your new life and take a deep breath.

Foofah December 08, 2019

Hey! If you're available every other Sunday, my Husband runs a Pathfinder group in our home, there are usually four other men here too that play as well. Depending on what all goes on in my Husband's schedule, it doesn't always happen every other Sunday. We're friendly, drug and drama free (aside from the cats, they are addicted to catnip and drama). Let me know!

Park Row Fallout Foofah ⋅ December 08, 2019

Sounds awesome! I'll have to pass for now due to schedule but I'll keep this in mind for if/when things settle down!

Rhapsody in Purple December 09, 2019

My current group of friends are about 10 years young than me and they are great. My instinct is that I wouldn’t have any thing in common but I do. Maybe I’m. It as emotionally mature as I think.

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