Daughter. in Mental Health

  • Nov. 16, 2019, 7:59 p.m.
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  • Public

I have one. I’ve probably written about her, I don’t really know. Actually, in this journal as it exists today, there may be no mention. I can’t recall and can’t be bothered to look. Anyway, she’s almost 22 years old. She went to live with her dad, #1 (and now I realize I’ve surely mentioned her before), when she was thirteen.

(deep breath)

So, I’ve been trying to use Instagram for my watercolors. I’m a noob, but I’m learning, and it’s fun. Tonight, I looked at Instagram’s recommended-for-me list thing and discovered one of my daughter’s accounts, one that I’ve never seen before. I went and looked. I shouldn’t have, but I did. Because she’s my fucking daughter, goddammit, and she hasn’t had any contact with me for three fucking years. (deep breath)

At first, I just scrolled, looking at my beautiful girl and how she’s changed over the last couple of years. Oh, she’s so beautiful, you guys. Looks like she’s still got the same dumbass boyfriend, but whatever, and she’s just so beautiful.

Then I saw a picture of a tattoo. On her body. Of her “parent’s signatures.” She has “I love you” tattooed twice, in her dad’s handwriting, and in his beast of a girlfriend’s handwriting. The comment is like a Father’s Day present for her dad and a birthday present for her “mom.”

And, ya’ll, oh my goodness, did I get sad. Heartbreaking sad, painful, deep sad. Like being shot with an arrow in the chest, suddenly something hard and sharp and painful right there, stabbing me in the heart, killing me. After a couple of minutes, I kind of shook it off (a new superpower I learned with my last level up) and scrolled some more.

And then there it was. A post about her therapist telling her she should tell her story. And her story beginning with me and how I abused her so horribly and I was such a monster and then I disowned her and came crawling back out of pity, whatever the fuck that is supposed to mean and I’m like what in the actual fuck is this child saying right now? Who the fuck is she talking about, because it sure the hell ain’t me. Like, this shit did not happen, it did not go down like that at all. And then she goes on to talk about some later time when I and her brothers disowned her “again” and you know the fuck what? Her brother did that, my oldest son. He disowned her because she wouldn’t stop talking shit about me to him. He told her over and over again that she didn’t even know me and had no right to talk about me like she was, saying that I abused her and shit, that I was a horrible mother. Oh yeah, my big boy was livid and finally said, “I don’t have a sister anymore, you’re dead to me,” and blocked her.

I had no idea any of that shit was happening until, an hour later, she blocked me (yes, there is a browser app you can get for Facebook that tells you when someone is removed from your friend list) and I was like oh jeez, what the fuck now?! Because, at that point, she had only been talking to me again for maybe nine or ten months after not talking to me for over two years and illegally joining the fucking military (oh, that’s a whole ‘nother thing I’m not even gonna right now) and keeping it a secret from me so I wouldn’t get her dad’s convicted-felon ass thrown back in prison. Then my big boy decides to say, “So hey, I blew up at my sister and blocked her,” and I’m like ohhhh, so I’m guilty by association?

Now, that first time, when she didn’t talk to me for over two years? I guess that would be her first mention of me “disowning” her, whatever that fucking means. Like, I’m a millionaire and wrote her out of the will, or what? (deep breath) Yeah, that was all on her. She blew up at me because I couldn’t afford to make a 12-hour (minimum) round-trip drive twice to bring her to me for Christmas and called me every name in the book and told me not to talk to her anymore. I had a complete nervous breakdown. It was so much fun.

So, yeah. I saw this Instagram shit and I had a complete fucking meltdown.

Except I didn’t.

Yeah, no. I could feel all of this shit, this anger and hurt and sadness, just raging through me. Through me. Physically, I did not cry. I felt nothing more than a slight tremble, a slightly increased heart rate, and a stab of pain. And then, it passed. I was typing furiously at the Unicorn before realizing that I was processing this really massive thing and he is totally not equipped for that, nor should he be. He is not my therapist, after all, though he is my favorite person to converse with.

A big hateful lying piece of shit thing she wrote about her brothers and I.

And goddammit, I don’t give a fuck that I birthed her, she’s toxic and awful and good fucking riddance.

And I am totally having a complete fucking meltdown panic attack.

Without anxiety. Without crying. Without anything. I can feel it happening and I am just not responding or something. Yes, detached is good.

Okay, a minor tremble.

But that’s it.

And anger. And yes, I am aware the anger is rooted in hurt.

And that I am speaking out of anger. But goddammit what the actual fuck?

She is her father’s daughter. A narcissist.

Okay, the tremble is gone. My body feels completely at peace. I didn’t create this young woman. I did not raise her alone.

I made mistakes, I owned my mistakes, I grew and grew and grew and became a better person.

She refused to ever see or acknowledge that. That is not my responsibility.

And it’s fine, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be working through this in this way.

All of that up there, that shit in bold? Fourteen minutes. I went through this massive mental and emotional process in fourteen minutes. I don’t know about world records for these sorts of things, but it’s certainly a record for me. I do not have to let the actions and words of others harm me. It doesn’t matter that she’s my daughter. It doesn’t matter that I love her and miss her and wish I knew her and wish she knew me. For the last ten years, she has done nothing but hurt me with her words and actions. Longer, even, because she first asked to go live with her dad when she was only ten. I never disowned her, she abandoned all of us, her brothers and I. And then did it again, and again. I didn’t create this thing and I don’t even know if I want to do anything to change it. Her grandmother told me recently that, when she’d spoken to her last, she’d said that she missed us and wished she could talk to me but I had “rejected” her. The last thing I have from her is a lunatic message she sent me on Facebook that ends with, “Don’t ever contact me again.” That was almost 3 years ago. I haven’t. That’s not rejecting her, that’s respecting her, but clearly her “mom” and dad never taught her the fucking difference.

JustSurviveSomehow November 16, 2019

This is incredibly heartbreaking. I'm so sorry.

Deleted user January 28, 2020

Hi there. I'm here visiting. I've read several of your entries and you've been through a lot. I'm sad to read your troubles with family and health. I cannot imagine how heavy your burdens are. I hope you can find peace and joy soon, however that looks for you.

🌈 JustWillow 🦄 Deleted user ⋅ January 28, 2020 (edited January 28, 2020)


I have tremendous peace and joy in my life.

Perhaps you didn't read all of my entries, or even the right ones. You'd know that I have made tremendous strides towards my own mental well-being. I had to fight and claw my way out of the abuse I suffered throughout my life. Some of that abuse included being ostracized by my family, physically BEATEN by my sister, for being bi-sexual. I went on to marry men, conceive children. The vast majority of my relationships have been with men. I am still bi-sexual. I have more than one mental illness, but I can assure you that my sexuality is not one of them. I am not sick.

There are literally NO parents that are "pushing" transgenderness on their children. That is a horrific thing for you to have said. Children are human beings and they live inside, and know, their own bodies. Gender has nothing to do with biological sex. The dangly bits between your legs have nothing at all to do with the numerous other factors that make a person transgender or not, gay, bi-sexual, asexual, queer, whatever. It is scientifically proven that a human being can be born genetically a female and yet have a penis, or vice versa. This is a matter of proven fact.

Your child(ren) deserve your love and acceptance and respect. Would you really let a 2,000-year-old book tell you to stop loving your children? To reject them, put them out, turn them away? Could you really do that if you happened to have a child who did not fall into the neat little box you've built for them in your mind? Do you not understand the concepts of bodily autonomy, of individuality, uniqueness? Do you truly believe, to the very core of who you think you are, that transgender children deserve your damaging judgment? That transgender children not deserve love, respect, acceptance? Do you not believe that your horrific, uninformed opinion on what being transgender means could have an effect on... gee, I don't know, maybe some transgender people who might stumble across your hateful, hurtful words by accident, like I did? Go back and replace every reference to transgenderness in your entry with "Christian" or "woman" or "mother." THINK about the vile shit you spew publicly. Think that someone might read it and be genuinely harmed by it. Maybe someone who has already been rejected by their own family. And maybe your ignorant, hateful words, and the ignorant, hateful words of the others who commented, are just enough to push that person right over the edge.

Congratulations. You've just caused a suicide. There. Is. Blood. On. Your. Hands. The blood of children. Stop spreading your hateful religious bullshit. It's fucking sick and horrible and nothing at all what Jesus intended and you fucking well know it.

Deleted user 🌈 JustWillow 🦄 ⋅ January 29, 2020

I didnt say any of what you're accusing me of. I'm trying to be nice to you. I can tell you really want me to believe the same things you do, and I dont. In fact, I dont believe 99% of what I'm being accused of here. But that doesnt mean we still cant be kind to each other.

🌈 JustWillow 🦄 Deleted user ⋅ January 29, 2020

"Here’s the thing about the transgender children movement and my opinion and MY DIARY. It is abusive, no matter what religion you are or are not. It is 100% abusive to change the gender of your child."

You may not have said exactly what I have, but you sure said enough. Parents aren't changing the gender of their children, they are respecting their children's choice to change their own gender. My god, you've been so oppressed by ridiculous religious beliefs, it's sad and a little frightening, to be honest. You don't even recognize the fact that your body belongs to you, that my body belongs to me, that a child's body belongs to that child.

🌈 JustWillow 🦄 Deleted user ⋅ January 29, 2020

Honestly, if one of my sons came to me and told me they were transgender, the first words out of my mouth would be, "You wanna go shopping? You need some new clothes?" And you think that's abuse? Showing love and support is abuse? Don't you see how twisted that thinking is?

And you can't say hateful, ugly shit (and what you said is hateful and ugly) and then say, "I'm just trying to be nice." No, you aren't. You're gaslighting, that's what you're doing. And the saddest part is, you probably don't even know it. You've probably been gaslit your entire life and now you just pass that abuse on unwittingly.

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