Reaching out. in Phoenix

I do that a lot. I reach out to people when I feel I need them, or if I think I can be helpful to them in some way, or just to have a random conversation. As someone who has suffered with suicidal thoughts most of her life, I see tremendous value in being able to reach out and ask for help or even just have a conversation like a normal person. I see friends on Facebook crying out for help, sometimes shouting, sometimes whispering, and I always reach out, “Hey, you okay? Anything I can do?” More often than not, that’s enough, the simple act of asking if someone is okay or if I can help. I know it helps when people do the same for me, so I try to pay it forward a little.

It’s just pretty rare for someone to check in on me, I’m realizing. Yes, of course, the Unicorn checks in on me every day, we have a running dialogue and countless connections throughout every day. But no one else does. I mean, literally, no one. I have messages sitting in my inbox that I sent days or weeks ago, trying to make connections with people that I consider friends. “Seen” and unanswered messages. And I’ve realized something.

I’m better now. More mentally stable. Am I cured? No. I am still a person with mental illnesses. My life has improved tremendously in the last half-year, my mental well-being feels at a peak every day, like I just keep getting better and better. But I’m not cured. There is no cure for bipolar disorder or ADHD or whatever. I still have PTSD even if the LSD has eliminated the anxiety (it’s feeling pretty permanent). The PTSD episodes still happen, just differently. And I feel like I’m maybe getting some judgement on the LSD. Or I’m paranoid, which wouldn’t be unusual. It just seems that people who have always supported me have begun to fall away for some reason and I don’t know how to handle it. Is it the LSD or is it my relationship with the Unicorn or… I don’t know. Why do I have this strange feeling that some people just don’t like me anymore? I mean, I’m pretty fantastic.

Maybe I’m just paranoid. Maybe I’m not. Maybe those old friends just don’t care anymore. Maybe some people only want to be around if they feel I need them, like when I’m not well. I’ve encountered that a lot, people who need to be needed. I mean, hell, that’s like all my exes right there, the ones who were gonna “help” me and “fix” me. The Wanker definitely couldn’t handle a strong, independent woman who didn’t need him, and the Sperm Donor kept me out of therapy for years, and off medication, because “it’s all in your head,” which really meant, “I need to be the one to fix you, I need to be important, I need you to need me. Therapy and medication will only show you how much you don’t need me.”

I don’t know. Just some random thoughts going through my head today that I decided to pick up and evaluate a little. Because it doesn’t matter how much “better” I am right now, it doesn’t necessarily change the chemical imbalances in my brain permanently. I’m always aware that the world could come crashing down on me at any moment and I won’t see it coming and there won’t even be a reason for it. But, for now, all I can do is keep living my best life, which I definitely am, and accept whatever love and affection people are willing and able to give me. If that’s none, that’s okay, because sometimes I’m not capable of giving much of myself, either.