The Genesis of Family. in Musings

The jangling of your keys on our door. You burst open and your eyes light up as you sloppily close the door, stumbling toward me. Your lips taste like whiskey. Your fingers as they hold my face smell like weed and Marlboro reds… and the scent makes me cringe and makes me horny all at the same time.

I pull away from you. You rip your clothing off down to your underwear. I get away from you and watch you stare at me… it’s not in lust that you look at me as I make my way to the kitchen to make you tea…

I watch you, watching me as I stir your teabag. You’re so ridiculously sexy, you have marked your body in tattoos, you have made it your mission to keep you body physically fit, and you’ve kept your gaze for me as something I can’t really comprehend, it makes me uncomfortable, it makes me fall inlove.

I am shaking, nervous and the teacup quivers and you stand up and rush to me and put the teacup on the kitchen table, where the hot water scorched my hands you kiss it and wipe the moisture away. You kiss my hands, you hole them and you sit—staring at me in a way I can’t comprehend. I sit on your lap, you wrap your arms around me and kiss my temple… ‘thank you baby’ you whisper as your hand glides down my sides and rest on the top of my thigh.

I am quivering as I sit on your knee… you pull a sweater over me, thinking I’m cold and cup my hands over your warm cup of tea. Kiss the side of my neck and I hear you slurping on your hot tea.

“Wow! This tea is good baby. Thank you” you whisper and I think— tea is tea… it’s boiled water and a sachet of herbs…I didn’t do anything…

But you still cup my face and hold me in your arms.
I get up and make my way to the couch we purchased together… and you watch me leave your embrace… I look back at you and see you biting your lips and sipping your tea…

Fuck I’m so in love with you. I love how you look at me…

You finish your tea and from the corner of my vision I see you… you’ve pulled off your underwear, as you walk toward me. You stand I front of me. I look up at you ‘Liam move!’ I say.

‘I’m making love to you right now’ you said kissing me and I laughed in your kiss. ‘No I’m serious’ you kissed me deeply and your eyes glowed in beautiful shades of amber, as I felt my body melting into our couch.

I’ve never had a man like you, who’s kisses still feel like burns on my skin. You’re so gentle and rough in the weirdest paradoxes of all emotions. I can shower over and over again and I can smell you all over my skin…

‘If it hurts Andy, you will at least know superficially how it feels to be the man that loves you, that lives for you’ as I feel you ripping my insides and I am whimpering for your mercy.

I wrap my legs around your waist and feel the drips of sweat on your chest dropping on to me.... I taste your fingers as you force them in my mouth. I try to keep my eyes locked with yours as I am left breathless, but your eyes change colors like a demon possessed from amber to milk chocolate—from honey to caramel as every thrust reaches me.
‘You belong to me. I don’t fucking care if you don’t like that’ kissing me as I’m helpless underneath you…’I’ll treat you like the slut you wanna be! Tell you that your my little princess, like how you really want to be called and treated’ and he locked his forehead on mine. “I know you love me, I know you love my dick, when I spit in your mouth, you love my legs and my feet” I felt myself tingling all over “I know you see how I look at you, when you think I don’t know that you know… I don’t fucking care that your scared, you are gonna raise OUR children”
As I melted underneath him… “fuck my little angel..:.” he said as he pushed himself deep into me and kissing me, I felt my skin goosebump and his skin goosebump “I want you to bear my children…” he said as he pressed his thumb into my mouth, biting his bottom lip, as I felt him releasing inside of me and gently laying on top of me, kissing me. “I want to have kids with you. Even if we don’t work out and I we are gonna work out… I want a little Andy or a little Liam and I want to have him or her with you”

Pulling me off my back as he sat and kept me straddling him… he kissed me, his hands gently holding the small of my back. He laughed “I know the babies inside of you now aren’t gonna grow, but, I wish they did… they could have your skin, and your hair and my eyes, maybe even my teeth and your personality… I want to have a baby with you” he said as he kissed me.

I’ve never wanted children and it was all a fantasy to me… i like my money spent on my closet, my furniture—I am too selfish to take care of a human beside myself.

I laughed uncomfortably… and slipped off of him, scurrying into the bathroom— showering, maybe he’s just too drunk…

As I lost myself in thought under the hot water, he climbs into the bathroom with me and kisses my neck and I feel him once again. “My angel, I don’t ask for anything, I don’t ask why you don’t want to marry me, I don’t know who broke you or why they did, I don’t ask— I’m gonna be 36, and I know i am so crazy in love with you…I want you in my life for eternity, even if we don’t work out, I just want to make a family with you…”

I sit here next to him… I don’t know how to explain how beautiful he is… I don’t know how to describe how crazy he makes me feel… I’ve never met someone who’s asked me for this type of commitment… and for me to scramble through the memories of our existence and so happily and desperately want to say “maybe marriage… and yes, absolutely, yes to having a family” and maybe Liam and I won’t be forever, who the fuck knows----but baby Liam will always be a reminder of the extreme love and insane necessity for his existence on this earth and maybe I won’t be with his father for forever, or maybe we will be together for forever, nonetheless, Baby Liam or Baby Andy will have been created, thought out for, and his/her existence will always be the most intensely beautiful, endlessly loving parts of me and the parts of my life, not created out of desolation, not created to keep a man, not created by parents who need to abuse and use there existence for there own—created from love and an eternal reminder of this very, exact moment—when Liam and Andy wanted to make a family.

Liam reminds me everyday that I’m a selfish cunt. He also reminds me that I’m a very repressed cunt that doesn’t believe that ‘normalcy’ is attainable for myself… I’m gay, I’m Latino, My brain is chemically imbalanced from years of repressed depression and undiagnosed anxiety, prescription and illicit drug abuse, voluntary psychiatric holding, and involuntary psychiatric holding.

Liam walks around like nothing affects him… he’s so absolutely normal… he’s a successful tattoo artist with a belligerently successful tattoo shop that is growing… the only abnormal thing about him is that he is covered in tattoos… like fucking COVERED in tattoos from his neck down to his toes.

I remember being with him in Puerto Rico and my family not only shunned me for being gay, but shunned me for being gay with another gay man who they deemed was the ‘Antichrist’ because he had tattoos…

And I cried about it… I don’t want to just be shunned out because I’m doing two bad things… and someway, somehow—Liam made my aunts and uncles fall head over heels in love with him.

My family in Puerto Rico ask about him, they are his Facebook friend, they repost his tattoo art on there own pages!

My 3rd cousin asks me when am I going to marry the tattooed Puerto Rican.

I never thought I’d end up with such a weird guy… he makes me nervous, he makes me feel calm… he understands me, he misunderstands me. He’s so loving and caring; and honestly, he might me the weird crazy tattooed guy that you can’t approach, but I am the crazy one, I am the anomaly.

I see myself being old with him… I see myself sitting on a rocking chair on the beach when we are 80 and him still looking at me, as I catch his glances from the corner of my eye and he’d still say ‘I know you see me looking at you, looking at me, pretending your not looking at me looking at you’