Anxiety in Life
- Oct. 1, 2019, 7:03 a.m.
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- Public
It’s been about a year and a half since I’ve really felt anything strong for anyone. At that time, my boyfriend who was ALL IN, we’re gonna get married, we’ll be engaged by summer, etc. basically disappeared. He was having some conflicting feelings since he was still separating from his wife, and I suspect he just panicked and that was it. He needed some time, and then I never heard from him again (I contacted him like twice and never heard back either).
At that time, I had never felt that way about anyone. Equal partners but still crazy about each other. I was serious about a couple other boyfriends but I always felt like I was talking myself into them, not so much just feeling that connection that makes people say things like “i think he’s the one.” I wasn’t even sure I’d ever have those feelings, and then I did, and then I lost him, and for a while, I was kind of mad that the universe would see fit to give me him at all. How cruel to give you something that makes you feel things you never thought you could feel, only to have it be lost.
I’m 35. I don’t have much time left to meet someone and have the kids I want to have. I told myself 35 would be the year I’d make peace with being alone, and at the end of it maybe start to plan to have a kid myself somehow.
In this year and a half, I’ve consistently dated. I’ve met maybe 7 guys or so? But everyday I’m talking to someone online. Most don’t even materialize into a date. The guy before this one actually liked me, but I felt like we were more friends (and like he wasn’t kissing me or anything so I think that’s reasonable).
I finally met someone I like. He came to visit last weekend. His life is complicated (ex who is still legally his wife, 3 kids), and he’s cautious, which I think is good compared to my ex. But we def enjoyed spending time together. And we’ve talked since then and he does really like me, and he was planning to come back next weekend for the whole weekend.
And then this morning I get a text from his phone number from his sister (who is visiting) asked me to leave him alone, that he’s dealing with a lot, and he needs time to himself and doesn’t need any added stress right now.
I’ve just been a ball of anxiety all day. I didn’t respond, because I’m not trying to talk to the sister. I don’t know if the next time I text, she’ll pick up his phone again and respond. And I only want to talk to him. If that’s what HE wants, that’s one thing. But last night at like midnight he was texting me “what are you doing” so it didn’t SEEM like he thought I was added stress in his life last night.
I don’t want to contact him for now because of this, but I’ve just been having increased heart rate all day, I’m not hungry, I feel sick. I’m trying to not think about it and just meet with my students like usual, and I’m pulling it off because my secretary knows me well and didn’t know something was wrong until I told her. But I’m so uncomfortable! :(
I just hate that this happens when he’s the only person I’ve truly liked in all this time.
Why is finding someone so easy for so many people and impossible for me?
Raphael Tiriel ⋅ October 01, 2019
Don't worry too much about the kids. The future is changing to where a lot more will be possible. Right now, they can take a skin cell and create a baby.
DE_nobelle Raphael Tiriel ⋅ October 01, 2019
Thank you, i will try not to worry but it is not in my nature! Haha
Raphael Tiriel DE_nobelle ⋅ October 01, 2019
Understood. My wife tells me the same thing. Just do what you can now cause the present is all that matters.
DE_nobelle Raphael Tiriel ⋅ October 03, 2019
Being "present" is truly the only thing that helps me when I have anxiety but in the throes of more so an "attack" of it, I can't even do that for myself. I feel a little better today, so I'll just get back to the business of living in the present. Thanks for your comments.
Raphael Tiriel DE_nobelle ⋅ October 03, 2019
Anytime
DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ October 01, 2019
Wtf? Is this guy an adult or what?? His sister needs to butt out, regardless of her intentions. I'd totally tell him (when you're absolutely sure you're talking to him, like by voice or in person) what his sister said and ask if this is a good time for him to be dating. It's his decision, not hers.
From your end, you'll wnat to consider whether you wanna get involved with another man who is still married, and who has family interference like that. Separations are complicated between couples, and I think it increases the chance of it not working out.
Hopefully you'll meet someone. It's funny cuz often, once you've resolved yourself to being single is when the perfect mate smacks yous upside the head!
DE_nobelle DE_KentuckyGirl ⋅ October 01, 2019
I was thinking the same thing about talking to him by phone... who knows if even when he texts me itll be him! Ugh. Im so confused by why a sister would act like this.
You are right on the complications. I guess i had already decided i was willing to try and now im so anxious about not talking to him that it seems like my feelings are already wrapped up in this. But i KNOW its more dangerous better than most, having my heart broken because of this before.
I sincerely hope you are right on the perfect mate!
DE_karabeara ⋅ October 02, 2019 (edited October 02, 2019)
Edited
It sounds like so much pressure, meeting someone not even just to have fun and enjoy yourself but have those thoughts of the future ever present. Pressure on you to hurry up and find someone and probably pressure on those possible partners. I dont know what the answer is but I know you still have time for that family you deserve and i know you are a good person who just hasnt come across your "person" yet- and thank goodness you havent settled for someone less than what you deserve. Someone suggested to me recently to change things up i should find a random new hobby in my area. I know you do trivia and activities on the shore. But maybe check out meetup.com to see what random get togethers there may be in your area. Not for dating. Just to get out and about...put yourself out into the universe for that "person" to findyou! And have some random adventures while you're at it.
DE_nobelle DE_karabeara ⋅ October 03, 2019
Thanks for the reminder of meetups, maybe I will do that again. I had signed up a few years back thinking along the same lines that I have to get out to increase the opportunity of meeting people in general, but then it was all old people with every group i joined. But, it prob is beneficial to get out there for mental health anyway.
You are so right. It's a ton of pressure. And often I'm eliminating people that aren't open to the idea of something more serious so that does cut down on my odds of dates and all that, which makes the whole thing feel more depressing and hopeless :(