Just ramblings in Diary

Ups and downs and ups and downs. Seems like mostly downs lately, although I feel fine now. The medication has been helping me feel less crazy, but it disturbs my sleep. Around 11pm or midnight I feel tired enough to go to sleep. Since my birds want to wake up at 8am…well, that explains it well enough doesn’t it? And then 2am comes around, or some time like that, and I’m awake, can’t sleep, don’t know why. Am I hungry? Did I drink too much coffee too late in the day? I don’t know. So I get up. Sometimes I eat something. A bowl of cereal, usually. Listen to part of a podcast, the world famous Phil Hendrie Show, but I can’t enjoy it like I usually do. I should be laughing, but my eyes feel sore and I’m almost irritable, not so much, just a hint of that is all, but enough to disrupt my enjoyment. I’m listening to Tool again. Their new album, anyway, and I love it. It’s easy on the ears, and I don’t even listen to music anymore, really. For awhile I was really into trance music, and maybe I still am, but with my brain the way it is these days I just don’t want to listen to music. I respond to it differently than I used to. Sometimes I hate the way I write. But it’s best when I don’t care. I still haven’t grown up. I play vidya games like I did since the NES days, back in the 80’s, my favorite decade of my life so far, I’m sorry to say. I mostly just play Tetris, and I’m pretty dang good at it by now, DT cannons, center four wide, perfect clears, and all that, but the competition in Puyo Puyo Tetris is really intense, and I can only stand to game it for an hour at the most at a stretch. Maybe I’ve gotten old. Sometimes I feel that way. Mostly I feel like a kid, though, still.

What do you do with a huge pile of writing? Anyone know? Should I try to go back to it and finish it, and then work on a second draft and etc. or just tag it and bag it? Whenever I get involved in writing fiction it completely consumes me. It’s all I think about. I obsess about it endlessly, and I love that part of it. If you tell me to start something new, I will. If you tell me to finish it, I will. But the writing was done over the course of so much time. It’s sat around and sat around. I have it all printed up…some of it I have in a notebook separately by hand. One problem is my birds are so demanding that I can’t write except for during the afternoon when I put them in their cages for a few hours. Otherwise they’re out all the time. So I play catch with one of them with balled up blank white printer paper. Greyball loves that. Girl Bird is still sitting on her eggs in the closet like a faithful hen. She tries to be a good mom, but she doesn’t know that her eggs aren’t fertilized. Grey would love to take care of that for her, it seems like. He used to be a breeder bird ages ago, before I was a twinkle in my dad’s eye, so to speak. I kind of hate that expression, but whatevers. It grosses me out, for some reason. :) Makes my dad sound like a perv. Heh. Well, that’s just the way men are sometimes. We can’t help it, not that we can’t control it.

Anyway.... I miss April. I think that was her name. I don’t even remember for sure, anymore. I’m bad with names and birthdays. I wish I could forget my own. The way she wrote inspired me to write the way I wish I could write now. Maybe the world has moved on. My neighbor passed away recently. I knew something was wrong over there but I didn’t want to bother her. I might have saved her life had I checked in on her. Maybe, maybe not. Coulda woulda shoulda. Lots of those in my life. Sometimes I think about Nobuko. More often than I think about anyone else from back in high school. She was the first person I really fell in love with. J…I’m trying to forget about her. I never should have loved her. Not that you can choose who you fall in love with. The insanity that is love....wonder if I’ll ever feel that way about anyone again.

Only 13 and a half minutes left before this song is over....then I’ll stop this rambling. I don’t know if it’s this site or my keyboard, but some of my inputs aren’t taking the first time around. I’m a fast typer, but not that fast. Low 80’s. Takeshi and Ethan also came to mind today. Musicians. Takeshi a bassist, Ethan a bassist but mostly a drummer. Thinking about high school, for some stupid reason.

I’m sorry I haven’t been around. Maybe I can get myself to write here regularly. If I start writing a novel again, the old or start a new one, I’ll definitely be writing here every day just to decompress. I’ve let my OD subscription lapse, and I don’t think I’ll use that site anymore. The world has moved on for me where that site is concerned, and for everyone, I think, from the old days. I can’t say that. It’s probably untrue. But I feel that way. Talking about the world moving on is of course inspired by Stephen King’s The Dark Tower series.

I’m kind of wound tightly at the moment. My head tells me I should be feeling tireder than I feel, considering the hour. But I don’t know what to do with myself until it’s time to sleep. I should read, maybe.... I’ve started reading Tad Williams’s Shadowmarch series again. It’s very good, and I have all of it saved on my phone and the first two books sitting on my shelf. So no excuses other than I can’t make myself do what makes me happy. My flute and a bunch of good music is sitting nearly within my grasp. I can still play too, although my emboucher is grossly out of shape. It’s like I’ve shut down. Not that I don’t care. Because I do still care.