The Monday in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019
- Sept. 9, 2019, 7:16 p.m.
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- Public
Juvenile Court.
Criminal Court.
I would definitely be doing better in these endeavors today were my heart not so heavy.
Lunch was a yogurt and some water. Made some calls for Individual Therapy. I’ve discovered the following:
Nobody is available. Nobody wants to work with me. Nobody thinks that the job of a therapist should include anything other than 9 a.m. to 3 p.m. scheduling. There is ONE last chance… one last place that MAY be able to work me in… that is 78 minutes away. That’s okay, man. I’ll do it. I’ll do a two hour round trip every week if it helps. Because… I’m dealing with a LOT of child abuse, sexual assault of children, domestic violence, and the apparent end of my marriage. I could use a little extra help, here.
Three things keep swimming in my mind right now.
(1) Where do I/we go from here? I have pretty much announced to my Wife that we’re headed for divorce and she is the only pilot that can right this craft… but I can’t teach her how to do that. So… do I start acting like she’s a guest in my home until she starts doing better… do I act like a guest in my home?
(2) The idea of not spending Christmas with her… of not being there for her 40th Birthday… that’s a really hard thing to grapple with. She’s been an important part of my life for almost 15 years. The idea that she just… won’t be there… because of her own decisions… that is a bitter pill to swallow indeed.
(3) I’m getting flashes of past future past darkness. Who I was and may be again. The guy who spends his time alternating between trying to be visible at coffee shops and trying to focus on video games. The guy who is practically begging everyone I know to set me up on a date since I’m so incapable of getting a date for myself. Me, dark rooms, music, movies, video games, alcohol, loneliness, sadness. What a great life to look forward to.
Maybe I’m exaggerating a bit but… definitely kind of feel like:
One Angry Dwarf ⋅ September 09, 2019
This is obviously not the same as the end of a marriage, but when my first long-term relationship ended I was TERRIFIED of what I'd become when I was alone again. I spent most of my evenings with him, and before I met him I was in a very dark place and... yeah. Alone, dark rooms, TV, alcohol. I thought I'd revert back to that person and I held onto that relationship for much longer than I should because I was afraid of that possibility.
But when it actually happened, I realized I'd changed since then and I was fully capable of being alone with myself and still making progress. It definitely came with a unique set of challenges--some of which I spent the rest of my twenties trying to overcome--but I realized I was using him as a distraction/way to avoid moving forward in life. The fear of who I'd become was so much worse than the reality, as it often is.
Regardless of what happens with your wife, I think you'll be more okay than you think. After all, a lot of your time NOW is spent feeling lonely/being alone/not having your needs met. At least if you're single, there is more potential for those needs being met some day.
Chartreuse ⋅ September 09, 2019 (edited September 09, 2019)
Edited
I agree with above, try telemedicine. That was the only way I could get in with a Psychiatrist and then a Psychologist in a timely manner. Timely being not 4+ months if they were accepting new patients.
Amaryllis ⋅ September 10, 2019 (edited September 10, 2019)
Edited
Yeah, I agree with the other commenters about there being no hurry to have your wife move out. She's clearly fine with just being friends. Just live together until you meet someone else and then deal with one of you moving out. That way the loneliness wouldn't be so bad, and you'll have the sexual freedom you've been craving to find out what your options are.
Edited to add that I I don't think you are overestimating the loneliness. The loneliness is unfathomably painful, and I'm only anxious avoidant. I tried to anticipate it but it's so much worse than I imagined. I still think about him all the time and have to use every ounce of self-control not to text him.