To those who say get over it in Second 1st

I don’t actually hear people say that verbal abuse isn’t a thing.... or that I have not been a victim. It just gives me someone to be mad at aside from myself for dealing with it.

This morning at 2:40ish I dreamed. I had woken and looked at the time and decided to not do Justin’s at 3am today. I had promised Rocky I would do better about trying to sleep so first step is to not do Justin’s at 3am. There was a dream before seeing the time in which Marco (male gay co-worker) had poured out a very large bag of bird seed onto the floor in my attic. After checking the time I heard a child next to me in bed asking for “mommy, mommy, pay attention to me” I did not look because I had fear.... I knew my mind was messing with me because I could hear my ex-husband in the living room talking. I don’t know that he was talking TO anyone but he was talking about me for sure. “She’s just going to go back to sleep because she’s lazy and worthless. Look she’s falling asleep right now. She can’t even open her eyes for how worthless she is. It’s a wonder she’s even alive at all. Can’t do much of anything, like keeping the house is soooo hard.” It was a mocking speech .... though he’d been talking to someone else he was obviously talking to me.

I got up, because it would only get worse. I had no intention of getting up but I had no real choice. It was either listen to more talk like that.... which day to day barely feeling okay me just can’t replay.... or face a child who would be .... well not a child at all because like I said my head was not in the right place somehow. I don’t even want to guess what it would/could have been.

I did go back to sleep after the 3ams..... and because of that I missed the 5ams :( and because of Randy (ex-husband) today I feel lazy.... and worthless.... and unlovable.... and ugly.... and fat.... and there is ton of housework to do because Rocky was off for 4 days and I have to get passed this because I make a good house wife and .... If Randy had ever done anything besides put me down then he would know.... hence he kept asking if “I”m still seeing that guy” because he knew he’d lost something and was waiting for the chance .... the chance he would never have.... also when I’d posted my engagement on FB and he unfriended me lol

This is so messed up. I just really don’t feel like me today.... stupid psychosis.