beautiful crazy in 2019

10:45pm

Things are going well. Like really quite well! :)

I feel so content these days. Maybe that’s not the right word? I mean I’m happy! In a really calm sorta way. It’s all just moving along and life is good. So good.

I want to sit down and give you all the juicy details on the way things are going with the dude but I’m having a weird moment right now. I need space to process it.

Part of it definitely has to do with my fluctuating hormones, my rational brain knows this, but it’s still on my mind and I’d rather pour it out than let it fester.

I’ve been having this pretty irrational thought/fear that the more EC gets to know me the less he’s going to like me. I can feel him getting closer. I can feel myself getting closer. I think that’s also to blame.

I don’t open up easily. I’ve been so cautious throughout all of this. And yet at the same time I’ve just been going with the flow because it’s been so easy.

Yesterday I randomly told him that I’d miss him. I think that opened him up to saying it more often because he told me last night, than again when he called me in the early afternoon today, and also when he left my house tonight after dinner. I’ve said it to him again too but I don’t know. Something about saying it makes me feel weird. Like it feels more real. Or just like I feel like the more he stares at me, or learns about me, the more he’s going to realize that I might not be right for him.

Funny enough Mom walked into the room a little bit ago and goes, “it’s working out for you! You always wanted a mechanic and a cook!” Then we both started laughing because that’s so freaken true! It’s something I have always joked about. Now I’m trying to figure out what else I’ve had on that imaginary list forever. haha.

But yeah, there’s been this whole thing about how EC has been stuck listening to country music because his current truck doesn’t have other stations. So when he was leaving tonight he said that he had heard one he liked. He doesn’t listen to country at all and I’m always giving him [and the neighbours] a hard time about that. I asked which one it was and he said that it was one that reminded him of me. He looked it up on his phone and it was “Beautiful Crazy” by Luke Combs.
Which is completely crazy because the first time I heard that song I thought about how it kinda reminded me of myself. How maybe someday someone would think it kinda sounded like me. And I’ve been thinking about this for months because it’s been all over the radio waves. I can’t believe that’s the one he picked!

It added to today’s overthinking though. What if he does suddenly realize how crazy I actually am?

I always think that. That he’s going to see me in a new way, for what I really am, and he’s going to run.

Like I said, hormones are fluctuating and I’m having a super tiny pity party so all of this is dumb in the part of my brain that’s working as per usual. The rest though, it thinks that I better enjoy my time with him while I can.

Hopefully it’ll take him years and years to realize I’m actually crazy. ;)

rose.
11:15pm