I don't think I was too hard on him in Second 1st

I apologized in a way that .... well I wasn’t really sorry I just explained my anger… as I will here.

I grew up in a house of 5. The middle child of 3 and at 12 I was babysitting to pay lights and water. Not because I wanted a CD player or new name brand things to go to school with.... but to pay lights and water.... at 12… I’m sure I’ve said it before

Being on food stamps has always been a thing.... well it was until I got older (16) and still paying bills but now then the household made too much which made it an even bigger struggle. Seriously my mom thought I was giving myself anorexia because she never saw me eat. (I got free food at work so I’d grab something before I clocked in, lunch break and before I went home). I felt guilty for eating at home because that was one more meal my sister or brother wouldn’t have.

At one point in my relationship with Rocky I was bringing home $250 every 2 weeks and only God knows how that was “making it” because Rocky wasn’t working. We applied for food stamps and got approved for 50 a month....we weren’t married and had no kids so.... well screw us. …

This background being put out there I started getting oddly angry when Sammy came to me and said “A lady might call you today from the food stamp office. I’m applying” I told him he would be denied and in a short conversation I know my facial features we all “wtf?! you are living here you don’t need those you idiot” while I tried to keep my words calm. he’d be denied anyway. I figured she would just be calling to ask if he prepared his food separately, which he does. In the past I’ve had to write a letter for 2 people saying that exact thing.

Why would Sammy apply for food stamps? Honestly, I thought differently but I don’t think he’s ever been in desperate need before. He thinks once he starts paying bills he will be and he’s trying to prepare..... prepare by asking for help before he even knows he will/won’t need it. Not prepare by putting every spare penny he has in the bank and eating at home more.

This is where the anger kicks in. .... he bought $15 worth of stuff to go make s’mores at a friends house after the friend told him not to bring anything (and ultimately canceled). He leaves early for work everyday to “grab something on the way in”. He hardly ever eats here. When he does he buys a huge amount of one thing and makes food for a friend. Like the other day he had Haley over ( I like her) and made pancakes with strawberries and whipped cream.

Getting past this.... fine he think’s he needs food stamps.... the #1 problem with this is you can’t get help before you NEED help. They NEED to know how much you ARE paying for things He apparently filled out papers for what he thought he’d be paying for things.

This lady called me and I was down the hall.... I didn’t hear it ring and saw the voicemail icon when I got back. I wrote down the number to return the call. The message she left had me .... emboldened? She had said that she was calling to verify that Sammy was paying $125 in electric. I had it in my mind all the way up to the point she had asked .... to tell her the truth. He doesn’t need them, no he doesn’t pay $125, he doesn’t pay for anything but his car, He doesn’t need food stamps. I however did not. I know he makes far too much. No matter what I said he’d be denied so I told her he did.

If he had gotten anything it would have been due to my lie. He did not.... and I kinda laid into him about telling her he paid us 125. Why? because here I am on disability and making this work. Bills are still paid.... I keep telling him to write things on the board and he keeps not writing anything. Asking for Government help while he’s getting SO MUCH HELP from me.... üs”.... it … hurts my feelings. My help is not enough? It’s easier to ask the government for a hand out than write food on a white board? .... I’m insulted.... It was created to help keep people from starving to death .... It’s not something you are entitled too....

I told him I was angry that he would lie about money he has given us and we cleared that up he had told the lady it was what he thought he’d be paying at the new place. I had to explain that it’s not a program for just in case.... it’s a NEED program. You need to be in NEED not in planning mode. He had just told me Thursday that me made $150 in tips on Wednesday.(not his $350 over a Friday/Saturday as usual)(or the $400 a month he’s talked his dad into giving him to “help” with his first place”)… no he is not in NEED. I told him that most of my childhood we were on food stamps and though I thought he came from a similar situation with his mom.... and even Rocky’s mom.... it’s obvious he does not.

He is so scared about paying bills, I get it, I think we all were at some point. I just find this unacceptable really. He’s a single working guy, he doesn’t have anyone who depends on him. He has a roof, means to get food, a brand new car.... he doesn’t need the help.

I told him, in the end that I probably had more confidence in him than he had. I explained that I know how much he eats out. I know how much food he has here (that’s going with him like 3 boxes of plain instant oatmeal and a half a bag of cereal he hasn’t touched in a month) .... He just needs to pay attention to what he’s spending his money on....

He estimates 70-125 for electric.... Cool but the 3 of us and our bill is only 150 so honestly doubt it’s going to be 125. I’ll ask him what he thinks water will be .... because we have never been above 40 here.... for 3 people. We pay our own lights, water, phones, have student loans a house note, loans for pipes, food, and we still make it with my “pay cut”. I just don’t get it.

I .... just.... can’t.