i missed this, i missed writing what has happened, i think i also miss sending audios to Ruso, he blocked me after us seeing each other apparently he had intrusive thoughts about me… i guess they won and to be honest i miss him but i haven’t even tried to contact him; it’s the first time i have let go without a fight.
Aside from that:
-Carlos fell in love and betrayed my trust with this girl named majo, total slut. i don’t say this to shame her, he really is but every one seems to just fall instantly for her victim play.
-carlos broke my heart.
-i tried lsd well… 1/2 a square and i liked it, i’m not hung up on it and haven’t done it ever since but it was different.
-i went to therapy and they classified me as a drug addict with a mechanism to act like a child, the second thing i agree on but i still doubt the first on, although my astral card says i’m probably going to grow up with a drug abuse problem.
-i met demian, son of the therapist. He’s sweet, wierd, likes rock music and has no friends. he got fixated on me pretty quickly but after the first date and me not wanting to commit we don’t talk anymore and he worries i’m doing drugs or alcohol.
-sandra and me aren’t friends anymore.
- i lost my v card. i don’t know his name, we didn’t use a condom, and i’m scared. i told him to stop and i tried to move him but he didn’t stop. It kinda sucks this happened again. I’m trying to not make a deal about it. I don’t want to be that girl.
-i got drunk two days in a row because of all the above… and when i don’t drink and i’m alone i feel lonely.
-i didn’t go back to therapy because i’m not sure i want to get better.
I’ve realized friends aren’t forever, and eventually people don’t stay. It’s not that someone betrayed me or anything it’s just… it’s a cycle right? life is.
I saw some pictures of friends having an “infinite moment” i’m sad i might not ever have that.
I’m beggining to feel anxiety again in a strong way and i can’t help to worry that this is all my life is going to be, being alone, getting ito messes because the confort of it is too good to leave, being one more of the rest, and forgetting how to life and love and breathe.
Last updated July 05, 2019