"You could do more" in Piscis moon

After sleeping an hour and a half, working for 5, coming back to nap, i went with my mother shopping. It has been quite a while since we had the money to do that and i remembered how a simple cloth can make my mood change. ugh capitalism right? Well aside from that even though we didn’t talk deeply about anything, i like how we can just joke around about things and laugh. We rode on this functional art exhibit and it was nice. I write about this because i don’t want to forget these moments with my mother. I’m not saying all is bad becuase it could always be worse but just being with her makes things better, i feel at peace.
After that we went to my aunts house, in the conversation my cousin sergio mentioned how i could totally get a better paid job if i went into the hotel industry and learned about wine. Maybe he’s right; but i know that would requiere a 9 hour shift and time… time i always feel like sand falling through my hand. A couple of months ago i spoke with a friend that recently graduated and when i asked if he miss college he said ” i do, but i mainly miss being able to party and drink with my friends on a tuesday, i rarley go out anymore, now i have responsabilities and other do too” and then i realized i had two summers of my life left.
I grew up with my cousin karla getting pregnant at 15, and running away from home. Even as a child i knew she was fucking up. It made me mad that she had all this life ahead of her and even after a second miscarriage she still deliberately wanted that life. Talking to her now she tells me about how she regrets the decisions she made. Then you have my mom, coming from a low class family, having to drop out of school to work, and then getting married at a young age because that how they did things here in mexico. She never really got to live, travel or have fun. I never wanted that for me, so i always focused on school and recently work (high school not college), but i’ve never been the party girl. AND THATS THE THING, i think in the idea of me not being it i turned into one, not as heavy as other people i know but i did, so now i’m stuck between wanting to focus on school and living things i didn’t do in high school and realizing i am now 21 and maybe it’s time to be mature. Like i said in my last post lsd, parties and alcohol have been on speek d dial but other than that i want to make memories with my friends, i want to love and live, be confotable with my body and tell these stories in some years BUT i also want to be this girl that is smart, dedicated, strong and capable of doing eveything she puts her mind to. I know you can be both but i’m still struggling to find that balance.
This is where i think of all i just wrote and notice how privileged i am to want those things, and it makes me feel ridiculous.
I read the comment on my last post, i didn’t know what to answer (what are you pretending to not know M?) ok maybe i did know what to answer but please understand coming out about that happened isn’t easy, it’s breaking my parents hearts and telling them i’m not the girl they think i am, it’s being the girl that this happened to not once but now twice, it’s telling my friends that “Hey your roomie did this, that roomie you all love”, it’s them saying i willingly went with him and i’m making a deal out of something o brought on to myself even though that’s total bullshit but messes with my head, and at the end of the day i have no proof that he did that, that either of them did that not the first time nor the second time. So what am i left with? my word, this whole drama, againt them. I study law, i know what will happen and let me tell you nothing will. But i promise i’ll seek a therapist when i’m ready to talk about it. I live in this very small city, so secrets here don’t really exist, it messed with my anxiety and to be honest ranting on here is helpful so, thank you either way for reading me. For the first time its like i was screaming and you heard.

Last updated July 07, 2019