13.5 seconds in Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019
- May 12, 2019, 3:01 a.m.
- |
- Public
Not that I am surprised but … obviously I am very disappointed.
Today was our Mother’s Day celebration. Wife, Puppy. and I at Ames with Brother. Niece, SIL, Bro’s bff, my parents and SIL’s parents. Everything was fine… for the most part. Though I do find it interesting that Wife (lately) has been bitching about my alcohol intake and yet got herself entirely shit faced.
End of the Night: I could drive us home… but considering I drive everyday and Wife rarely leaves the house… it seems most equitable that Wife drives… yet, she (apparently) drank herself to sobbing! Seeing Mothers being appreciated for being mothers was… too much. Despite not caring about having a sex life at all… apparently the very act of seeing a 65, 64, and 38 year old woman being celebrated for being mothers is too much for her to bear. Instead of leaving and going home (as we should be doing) Wife is sitting in my brother’s entryway and loudly sobbing/wailing because she feels like a failure but doesn’t “know what to do about it”.
EVERYTIME WE VISIT MY FAMILY!!!!!
My family is not “super successful”. We’ve made do with what we were given. Mostly, we have dedicated ourselves to serving others. So, when Sekfish Wife spends time with us and drinks herself stupid… it isn’t “thank goodness I am part of such a loving family” it is instantly “Self criticism and bullshit.”
This is just like my abusive relationship! The whole idea that I should feel bad and do something just because my family is loving and understanding. WTF?!
My niece? Asleep. My SIL? Asleep. Brother? Tending the campfire. Bro’s bff? With him. Nala and I? Sitting on the patio. Wife? Still sobbing in the middle of my brother’s foyer.
I get that I should be worried and concerned but mostly I am annoyed.
No sex.
No support.
And Mother’s Day sends her into a drunken sobbing fit?
YES I GET IT. ALL OF YOU KEEP SAYING I SHOULD DIVORCE HER. I HEAR YOU. I AM NOT IGNORING YOU! And yet… those of you who keep saying that? You may understand the situation, but you don’t understand me. This is my WIFE! This isn’t some victim or SVU Case. This is my WIFE. THE ONE woman that said yes. It isn’t that simple.
ODSago ⋅ May 12, 2019
Perhaps she is A woman who said yes to you...but only time will tell if she is THE ONLY woman who will say yes. Just saying... However, as an empathetic woman and an older one...I sort of want to hug her and say it will be ok. Which is not meaning you should have...but did you?
Always Laughing ⋅ May 12, 2019
Sorry things don't seem to be getting better.
Park Row Fallout Always Laughing ⋅ May 13, 2019
Thanks. It is rough. I don't know what it is going to take for her to stop comparing her life to other people's and just decide to live her own life and put the work in on her own life.
Brodie 💗 ⋅ May 12, 2019
It’s easy for a reader to tell you to get a divorce. It’s just not that simple. Follow your gut. Yes you deserve to be happy.
caramelchicken ⋅ May 12, 2019
I totally get you being annoyed. I would be too!
Park Row Fallout caramelchicken ⋅ May 13, 2019
Thanks! It's hard watching someone you care about continually be their own biggest problem :/
Foofah ⋅ May 12, 2019
I would never encourage you to get a divorce and I'm sorry that that seems to be all the feedback that you're getting. Supporting and loving your wife through this time is what matters as long as she's willing to make the change. Change doesn't happen immediately or quickly. It sounds like she definitely needs you and your family in her life to be moving in the right direction. A curious thought, what does your family think of her behavior?
rhizome ⋅ May 12, 2019
she's clearly holding a lot of pain. has she seen a therapist?
Park Row Fallout rhizome ⋅ May 13, 2019
She has been seeing a therapist for about a year. It is an Online Skype/VOIP kind of therapy due to where we live; which isn't ideal. Plus... I think Wife's therapist isn't as tough as she needs to be. Therapist kind of sits back and says, "What would you like to talk about?" Whereas I think Wife really needs someone who's going to say, "How are you progressing with the work?" Kind of... flip the script from "let's just talk for an hour" to a more "let's genuinely drill down and work on things" kind of therapy.
rhizome Park Row Fallout ⋅ May 14, 2019 (edited May 14, 2019)
Edited
everyone has to work at their own pace, and if you push too hard, you can often end up making yourself worse. i’m sure the therapist is nudging her in the right direction as fast as she can safely go. i just read your comment below that they’re only meeting once a month, and maybe that’s part of the problem. weekly sessions are ideal for big feelings like this.
it sounds like you have a lot of anger and frustration as well — are you doing any therapy yourself?
Park Row Fallout rhizome ⋅ May 14, 2019
I'm not and I do think it would probably be ideal. Even if not about marriage stuff... the job alone would give me good reason.
Down the rabbit hole... ⋅ May 12, 2019
It's not easy. It's extremely hard to walk away, I've been there and done it and it took me years to realize that I could only have the same conversation so many times. I could only deal with him making an effort for a week and then reverting back to the norm so many times. And a lot of it was I cared how my family would view it when I left. And at first I was right... the first thing my mom asked was what I did to cause it... but after some time, they realized that I needed more and a better match for me. And that didn't end our friendship, we just realized that we weren't doing well in a romantic relationship.
Park Row Fallout Down the rabbit hole... ⋅ May 13, 2019
That makes a lot of sense. And I think the strangest thing for me and for my marriage? Is the element of care. Y'see... if I was a different kind of man that didn't want my Wife to be happy and healthy? Our marriage would absolutely continue no problem or I'd cheat and we'd get divorced. Because I'd either not care about her feelings and just walk away when she got down; or I'd not care about her feelings and actively pursue shagging someone else. But the fact that I do genuinely want her to be happier in herself... that ultimately is what causes the strife in the relationship, lol
Down the rabbit hole... Park Row Fallout ⋅ May 13, 2019
Yes, but that also sounds like a good friend. It sounds like you've never been romantically satisfied in your marriage so is it a marriage or a friendship?
woman in the moon ⋅ May 12, 2019
Has she had therapy? Someone should be able to help her see life as it is.
Park Row Fallout woman in the moon ⋅ May 13, 2019
She is currently in Therapy but it is a Skype Internet Online Once a Month thing. I'd love to encourage her to switch and/or find someone closer but... (1) difficult to tell someone who is finally seeking help that maybe they should seek more; (2) difficult to find competent capable therapists in such a tiny area... an area so tiny we have to drive 2 hours roundtrip just for a dog trainer. :( But I will likely bring this up in our Couple's Counseling this month.... that while self-work is hard and can be slow... it has been more than a year with her therapist now and.... is it working or should she consider elsewhere?
Purple Dawn ⋅ May 13, 2019
The life coach idea that someone mentioned as in someone to mentor her isn't a bad idea. I don't think she'd have too much luck finding a friend who would listen to her woes for too long, not unless it is someone who has been a friend for years and has the time to invest in her. You and the counsellor have been supportive but maybe another woman?
I hope she learns to like herself as she is soon :)