Everything was fine…or maybe it wasn’t. I can’t remember in this moment. It felt like I was having a fine day…I was laughing, I was having a nice time, hanging out with Lex and watching shows.
Then I drove home and everything changed.
I thought I was fine, but maybe I really was never fine…maybe I haven’t been fine since Golnar said she needed space from me and I started working at The Patio and everything just kind of…started to unravel.
I blew up at my boss…everything was not fine, was it.
Last night I was driving home, and suddenly thousands of voices, all acting as one, began to demand in unison that I kill myself. No one was asking, no one was suggesting.
Sometimes I don’t believe in evil…but sometimes I feel like maybe I feel evil…but right now I don’t even know what I believe.
And that’s how I know that maybe I’m going psychotic right now…because I don’t even know if I believe myself right now. I don’t even know what I believe. I don’t know…I feel like I”m crazy, and then I remember that I am crazy.
Maybe nothing I believe is actually really happening?
I would have lost my shit but Golnar kept promising me that I was like this when we met back up again and that was just about a year ago, and she told me that I told her that I was going to do this and that I would feel like it has always been this way forever, and now I’m doing it and it feels like it has always been this way forever.
I believe Golnar because Golnar has never lied to me and I don’t know why she would start now.
My niece is dancing at Disneyland today and my brother’s family and my parents are all there and they offered to buy me a ticket and we could just go hang out at Disneyland, but I was up until 5 in the morning crying and screaming and eating tacos while I was crying and talking to Golnar and breaking down, and they woke me up at seven something and I told my dad I Just couldn’t go and do a full day of Disneyland today…and I don’t know if I’m going to even leave my neighborhood today.
I am going to force myself to go out and run in the sunlight because I absolutely do not want to go do that and I know that when I don’t want to is exactly when I need to.
I’m getting good at this.
All of the noise in my head is loud as fuck, but I am getting good at not trusting any of it, because I have been doing this long enough to know that when I don’t know what the fuck is going on I can’t believe ANYTHING, I can’t believe anything that happens in my head right now.
But I started smiling, just putting a smile on, and it’s been helping, because these human bodies are fucking stupid and they will do whatever you tell them to and if you just sit there smiling like an idiot your brain will start giving you dopamine and serotonin .
I’ve been drawing again.
I am going to go back to school, I think?
I don’t know, though…because I can’t tell if any of my ideas are good or not.
That’s a huge part of the problem.
I quit my job and I just kind of…let go…and for the last two weeks I’ve been looking for jobs but getting nowhere and I know I have to just go get a bartending job somewhere and I feelike I would rather die than do that, honestly I would rather just lay down in the fucking street and give up and just fucking die.
I have no idea what I’m going to do and I Feel like I need to figure it out NOW immediately I need to know what’s going to happen NOW.
I don’t know.
I want to break something.
I keep getting these flashbacks of this time I threw a rock at the glass doors of the mental hospital and shattered both of them, these huge fucking doors…and then I was on red level (isolation) for so long after that.
I keep getting these flashbacks to when Columbine happened and they picked me and some of my friends out of school and sent us to this little prison school with an armed guard and we weren’t allowed to look at any of the normal people and they did weird tests on us and made us pick up trash and they treated us like animals because they were scared of us and they had every fucking right to be scared of me because I am more powerful than they can comprehend and humans fear the things that they don’t understand, and humans are afraid of me…and sometimes I like it.
Last night I was talking about my light sword…and I use it to kill demons, and I have used it to kill demons before, it is indigo, and I was talking about how I want to astral project and I want to go have a talk with some of these entities and use my sword…and immediately after I sent the message to Golnar and read it back to myself I had this thought “Oh no…I need to go back to the mental hospital, I think.”
But Golnar said she believes me though…this is just a cycle.
My mom believes me, and so does my sister.
I think they do.
Maybe no one believes me…
…maybe no one should be encouraging me.
Maybe I am human.
Maybe I am just fucking insane.
I have no idea.
I Love you.
If I go away, write me…please.