Love me like I'm not made of stone in Not All Who Wander Are Lost

So. December. My coworker and I decided that the theme of the year was “men are cancelled 2k18.” I was done with relationships and trying to have a relationship and just . . . Well, date and fuck. Basically. Starting with Chris.

Chris and I had matched on tinder earlier in the year when Adam had first left, but he was iffy about me still being married. We met up again on Bumble and apparently he did not care as much this time. I was a bit worried about seeing him. He came across as someone who was ready to get married, settle down, and have children. And that was zero percent what I wanted (or want. Again. Ever.) But we actually had a really good time together. We met up at one of my fave tapas restaurants and had some food, then went to a local micro-brewery, then walked down the street to a cocktail bar. Aaaand then walked back to his apartment where we had some really, really, really good sex. So that was nice. We agreed that maybe possibly we would see each other again the future.

Meanwhile Josh, the guy Lindsey had introduced me to, ended up messaging me on facebook. Which really surprised me. I was completely sure he was going to blow me off. But we chatted and it was pleasant and we decided we’d meet up for a drink after his bowling league and after my trivia night. Randomly, however, a few days later, he messaged me and said he was going to be in town (he lives about 45 min away up in Michigan) to watch the Browns play and did I want to meet up at Bdubs and have a drink. I hate football. But I found myself saying yes, because, listen, life is short and wings are good. And we had a really good time and he explained what the fuck football was about and it was. Nice? It was nice. It was easy. And I was in trouble.

This went on for a few weeks. Like Josh would just be in town and invite me to be wherever he was and I’d go and we’d hang out and just HANG OUT. Like. No sex. No kissing. No hugs. No hand holding. It was completely platonic and I was like WHAT IS GOING ON. Maybe he just wanted to be friends? It was very confusing for me. So I was just like, I don’t know what the fuck you want so why don’t you tell me. Which made him laugh, but he told me he hadn’t been in a relationship since his marriage broke up, he’d been really bitter about how it had ended and sort of carried that with him and was angry at himself for wasting so many years being mad. So he wanted to date with the hope that it would become a relationship. I said that was all fine and good but the idea of being in a relationship made me want to vomit. Which he said was fine. We could just date, but that also meant we had to go on a proper date. So I told him I loved Italian food and prohibition era cocktails and let him plan the rest.

I ended up seeing Chris again. And once again we had a really good time but I just . . . The entire time we were together I kept thinking about Josh. Wondering what he was doing and what it would be like if I was with Josh instead. Aarggghhhhfuckfuckfuck. I had a crush. It was terrible. The week before our date (we’d been hanging out for like 2ish weeks at this point) he gave me a hug and I almost died. Seriously, I felt like a schoolgirl, it was ridiculous. I had drunkenly invited Chris to my company Christmas party, but then sort of uninvited him because I realized if I couldn’t go with Josh I didn’t want to go with anyone. Which, the Christmas party was super fun anyway, I love my coworkers and I’m a girl who knows how to have a good time. But anyway. The date.

Our date was . . . Perfect. In every way. We went to a wine bar and split a bottle of wine. I had our waiter sign our cork and I gave it to Josh to hold on to since my clutch could hold my ID and phone and that was it (later, when I got home, I realized Josh had written our names and the date on the cork as well.) Then we went to an Italian restaurant that’s housed in an old opera house. It was gorgeous and the food was amazing and we just talked and talked and at one point he came over to my side of the table and I rested my head on his shoulder and guhhh, it was just feels. We were supposed to go to this super nifty speakeasy buuuut we decided we’d just go back to his apartment because really we had waited quite long enough. He kissed me while we were waiting for the uber. Our first kiss. In the snow. It was pretty amazing. So was the rest of the night. It was just all so perfect. He invited me to his company Christmas party the following week, which was a pretty big deal because he works with his two best friends and the company only has about 10 employees. So, intimate. And best friends. Eek.

A couple of days before the company party, Wes’ best friend messaged me. Her name is Aimee and she and I had been pretty friendly while Wes and I were dating. Wes did not seem comfortable with that for whatever reason. He said he didn’t trust Aimee and I was like then why is she your best friend? But whatever. She had messaged me a lot after I ended things with Wes because apparently Wes had also cut her off at the same time. I felt for her, but I ended up having to tell her that if she wanted a relationship with Wes that was her business, but that I just couldn’t and wouldn’t focus my time and energy on him. She said she understood and she stopped talking about him. Also FOR SURE invited me to have a threesome with her and the guy she is cheating on her fiance with, which. Weird. Because. Wes and I had just broken up and it seemed like a shitty thing to do to someone who is A. Your best friend and B. A girl who just had her heart broken by said best friend but whatever. Anyway. This day, when I’m on a high from a super amazing date and the upcoming company party, she messages me and says that she and Wes had been hanging out again, but he got pissed at her again and cut her off once more. I was like “cooooooooool idontcare” but she just kept talking and telling me she knew things about Wes that no one else knew and I was like oh god, i don’t want to hear this and THEN she drops the bombshell that Wes, Mr. I-Demand-Honesty-At-All-Time, had been going out late at night and picking up college aged boys and fucking them in the back of his car while we were together.

What.

The.

Fuck.

So. I flip out. Because I had no idea he was fucking anyone but Amanda while we were together (mainly because I ASKED HIM,) and certainly not random college boys. Like what the fuck. Did he use protection? I had no idea.

Like. I want to make something very clear here. The fact that Wes is bi is not my issue, and we were in an open relationship so of course he was well within his right to fuck whomever he chose. However. This is a man who put me through emotional HELL if I did not disclose every last detail of anyone I ever went on a date with, who pretty much told me stop speaking to a friend just because I had slept with him once, who would pick fights about every little thing and when I got defensive and pushed back would say “listen it’s not that big of a deal.” Finding out Wes was doing this was like a veil being lifted from my eyes. This man was (is) horrible. He was a lying, manipulative narcissist. Emotionally abusive. At times physically abusive. But any time I would bring it up he would gaslight and convince me that I was the one doing something wrong. So many things became clear in that moment.

And I went OFF on Aimee. Basically why the fuck didn’t she tell me this sooner, this was my fucking health we were talking about, and what the actual living fuck. She was very apologetic but at this point I was just done with her, with Wes, with the drama, with the lies and the manipulation. Just done. I told her never to talk to me again and then I called my ob and asked for every single std test they could give me. And then I had to tell Josh I may have given him syphilis. Okay, I may have been a bit dramatic. But I was reeling from all of this and the mess I had gotten myself into with the dysfunction that was Wes, Amanda, and Aimee. Honestly they are the worst people. I don’t understand any of them. All they do is lie and manipulate the people they claim to love and why even be WITH someone if you aren’t going to be honest? WHY???

Anyway. Josh took the news surprisingly well. His attitude was mainly there’s no use worrying about something until we knew for sure and everything is treatable now anyway so, it was fine. He just wanted us to have a good time at the company party and not worry about all of this. I was like who is this man and where did he come from? I messaged my friend Bob who is an ER nurse and asked how I would know if I had chlamydia. Bob is super calm (because, hello, ER nurse) and talked me down and I felt better, at least.

The company party was amazing. It was at this super nice restaurant and the food was amazing and we had a 600$ bottle of champagne after and Josh and I just got to hang out and be cute. And then we went to the coupley-est of all places . . . Target. And Josh bought me new pillows for his bed. And we bought presents for his daughter and this lady complimented my dress and we talked for like 45 minutes and became fb friends and Josh was just like how do you become friends with everyone you meet? We went out with some of his friends later that night which was really nice, just to sit and talk and be part of his life like that. Adam had no friends and Wes didn’t really either, so being with someone who had a life outside of me was just . . . Nice. I keep saying nice. But it was so nice. I kept our cork again.

So, even though we had decided we were just dating and taking it casual, we just started inviting each other to every event coming up. Which it was Christmas so that was a lot of them. I should mention that Josh is a close friend of Clint and Lindsey’s, but he went to high school with them, which is the same high school pretty much ALL my friends went to, so basically everyone I know knows him. So Jo is my best friend and her best friend from high school has a Christmas party at her parents’ house while she’s in town, so I brought Josh and he just knew everyone and guuhhhhh IT WAS SO NICE. He wasn’t just holed up in a corner not speaking to anyone like Adam would always do. He drank and ate and talked and we had so much fun.

Clint showed up and we were all talking and he mentioned something about this film I’d been in the summer before and how Josh was in it, too. And I was like, oh, that’s cool, when did he film? And Clint sort of stared at me and was like, you were literally in the same room for 3 hours together. So yeah. I spent 3 hours in a basement with Josh and like, 6 other people, and NEVER NOTICED HIM. Seriously. It was just like. He’s been THERE. The whole time. And I didn’t notice him until I needed to.

Okay, again with the ridiculously long entries. More later, along with an update on the kiddos and everything else.

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