One less mistake there for the making - November in Not All Who Wander Are Lost

Here’s me, wanting to write more. Here’s also me, working full time while balancing family, a musical, and a social life. BUT if you want time, you gotta make time, even if that’s your lunch break at work.

I have a lot to say, obviously, since most of you are my fb friends and know that a lot has changed in the last few months. There’s so much to say. So, so much. I guess I’ll take it month by month.

Last entry was the beginning of November. I had just told Adam that we needed to for sure end our marriage and I told Wes that we for sure needed to end our relationship. In true form to both men, Adam’s response was entirely underwhelming and Wes’ was entirely overwhelming. I shouldn’t be surprised by either response tbh. From the things Adam has said to me in the past - “I don’t know if I love you,” “No, I haven’t missed you,” and “I thought this was over a long time ago” - me finally pulling the plug was probably a relief for him. I was, once again, the one taking initiative and doing something while he could just sit back and not do anything and blame me for everything. His favorite hobby. So that was Adam.

Originally Wes wanted to stay friends. I was on the fence about that. I was so hurt by everything that had gone down with him, how my happiness seemed to mean less and less to him as time went out. When I ended it I started with “I’m not happy” and he immediately said “Yeah, I know.” Well. Thank you for knowing I’m not happy and just not doing anything about it because it works for you. GUHHH. So, I wasn’t sure about being friends and I said I needed time. Cut to 3 days later when I wake up (on my wedding anniversary, no less) to a text message saying that I’m a terrible person, I’m fake, I used him, I never loved him, and he’s blocking me on all social media and never talk to him again. So. That was a thing. Honestly. My god. It’s like. He knew all of my pressure points. Every bad thing I think about myself. And he threw it all in my face. I felt terrible, I cried for days. And then a few days later there’s a bag on my front porch with all the gifts I’d given him. Including A HALF EATEN BAG OF DRIED FRUIT. Okay, that was a bit overkill. He could have just thrown the bag away. But, no, he has to be petty and terrible and show how much he hates me by leaving it on my front porch.

So I gathered up all his gifts, put them in an envelope and mailed it to him. A few days later that is back on my front porch with a note telling me to “throw it away like you threw me away.” Again. Subtlety is not his strong suit. My therapist said “for someone who insists you leave him alone he sure goes through a lot of effort to keep reminding you of him.”

So, yeah, November sucked for me. I was so sad. I was sad thinking about Thanksgiving and Christmas and my birthday all while ending my 17 yr long marriage. I cried constantly, like, literally everything made me cry. Even worse was that I didn’t want the house and Adam did, which meant I’d have to find a new place to live. So. Stress all around. I kind of floated through November, crying all night believing that no one would ever love me again and I’d be alone forever and happiness was like . . . This unattainable thing. Because I was so unlovable. And I didn’t understand why because I’d tried so hard to be everything to these men and they both didn’t want me and what did that say about me?

The week of Thanksgiving I was tooling around on Bumble and matched with this guy who was only in town for the holiday. I’d had a few dates through Bumble and I definitely liked it better than tinder. But mostly it was just a distraction. But this guy seemed pretty cool and knowing he was going to be leaving town at the end of the week was a definite plus. We talked about GoT and music and decided to meet for a drink the day before Thanksgiving. And it was a really great time. He just listened to all my bullshit even though I apologized about a million times for all my bullshit but he kept encouraging me to talk about my bullshit so I did. And we drank and talked and went to a hotel and he went down on me for like an hour and told me Adam was an idiot for letting me go. And just said all the things I needed to hear from a total stranger and someone I would never see or talk to again. And I woke up the next day and I thought, you know what? I am a total boss ass bitch. And fuck Adam. And fuck Wes. This is them, not me. And I don’t regret the things I said or did because that’s what I do when I care about someone. I give them my ALL. And, okay, even if a man never loved me again, I am SURROUNDED by the most amazing, caring, wonderful, thoughtful group of friends anyone could ever ask for. My IRL friends, my internet friends, all of them, have been so kind and caring and asking me how I’m doing and if I need anything and do I want to get a drink, and sending me gifts and just ALL OF IT. And that’s amazing, and these amazing people wouldn’t be so wonderful to me if I wasn’t wonderful myself. So, yeah, I decided on Thanksgiving 2018, I’m pretty fucking wonderful.

So Thanksgiving was nice. I volunteered at a race, then made a pie and took a nap while the kids had Thanksgiving with Adam’s family before taking the kids down to my mom’s for Thanksgiving (I’m so glad both our families live close, it makes sharing custody 1million x’s easier.) I worked Friday, did a bit of shopping, relaxed and watched stupid movie with my Swedish bestie.

Linds had been trying to set me up with her friends since the beginning of the month and I was pretty meh about it. I was just done with men, tbh. Done with dating. She asked me to meet her friend Josh and I was like eeeehhhh and then she said they were going to one of my favorite restaurants and I was like eeeeehhhhokay. I mean. At least I’d probably get some free food and drinks out of this. So we all met up and about 20 minutes in Linds was like “soooo, I need to go, but you guys should finish this bottle of wine!” Again. Subtle. So we chatted and he was nice enough. He and his wife have been separated for 4 years and they have a 5 y/o daughter. Dating sucks for him, too. Relationships. Interests. Blah blah blah, normal stuff. We had a good chat, he paid for my food, we left. I was like. I will never see this guy again.

Aaaand this entry is long enough and I will talk about December neeext time. <3

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