Cumulative in Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018

  • Dec. 26, 2018, 3:37 a.m.
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I’ll write a better entry later but

It is currently around 3 a.m.
I couldn’t sleep.
Wife was out like a light as soon as she hit the bed… didn’t even take any clothes off.
For those who are on my FRIENDS LIST
You’ve now seen what I look like. Then and now.
You’ve now seen what Wife looks like then and more recently.
You’ve now seen what I was attracted to most in my lifetime.... that isn’t fair. That isn’t what I was most attracted to. What I was MOST attracted to… I literally couldn’t speak to. So you’ve seen the “attractive enough for me to go wild over; not so attractive that I couldn’t speak to”.

In short… you’ve seen me. You’ve seen my wife. You’ve seen (for the most part) the women I wanted to make a part of my life romantically and sexually.

And yet… I find myself in a relationship with a beautiful woman… that understands me in some seriously important ways… that doesn’t make me feel wanted. That re-enforces my own appearance insecurities.

So… it is late at night. I’m drinking. I’m watching pron. Because what I most want in this world? Is a woman who wants to ride me. A woman who wants me to kiss her. A woman who would look at me with love and passion.

That is why 2019 MUST without exception be a year of decision. I don’t expect my Wife to become a sex kitten mewling at my every whim. But it, likewise, isn’t fair for her to suggest that she’ll only engage me physically if I “maintain a slim figure and a built frame.”

And this creates significant inner tension. My Wife provides me with many excellent, amazing, wonderful things. Considering my upbringing… I feel like absolute SHIT that I’m so hung up on the fact that my wife has no physical interest in me. But, truly, I’ve been writing since 2014 because my Wife has absolutely ZERO physical interest in me.

What’s wrong with wanting a wife to want me?
What’s wrong with wanting a wife who might consider trying to seduce me?
What’s wrong with wanting a wife who might want sex more than once a year?

I know I could seek a divorce. After this many years, you’re all RIGHT to think “She’s never going to change.” But… it is such a complicated matter.

I love my wife.
I adore my wife.
In so many ways, she is EVERYTHING I’ve ever wanted in my life.
And yet…
No kissing.
No blow jobs.
No sexual interaction.

It constantly feels like such a superficial complaint.

But genuinely… I want to be involved with someone who WANTS me to orgasm… who WANTS me to bring her to orgasm… who considers sexual interaction to be something more than an “inconvenience.”

I am Jack’s Broken Record.

Perpetually Plump December 26, 2018

Go read the deadbedroom subreddit. And take to heart how absolutely not normal it is to live in a marriage with a spouse who will not be physical with you.

Down the rabbit hole... December 26, 2018

Yeah physical affection is a really big deal for me. It's part of why I left my husband. He was depressed but refused to get help. I could walk around the house naked and he wouldn't even glance up.

DevilishlyInnocent December 26, 2018

Sex is a BIG part of any relationship. Turn the tables and tell her you're only staying if she maintains gainful employment with no complaints.
I can tell you've been abused. You just TAKE it. Your self-esteem is lower than Hades itself and you keep making excuses. Lose weight because YOU want to, because YOU are worthy of a healthier life.
Everyone KEEPS telling you its time to let go and find a better life, and most definitely a better companion. There is absolutely NOTHING wrong, NOTHING, with expecting and deserving intimacy.
From what you write, it seems like your wife just BARELY skated by enough to get a ring on her finger so she will have a comfortable life.
Dude. I really hope you find your self-worth. You want intimacy on all levels...and kids someday. I don't see that happening with that chick.

AppleGirl December 26, 2018

Well, I don't know what you look (ed) like or what your wife look (ed) like...but it doesn't really matter. She should still have some physical affection for you and be helping you to be a better, more healthy version of you -- but not because that's what she wants, but because that means you will be around for a longer time if you are healthier!

I'm sorry to hear this -- and to hear that so many other readers are in the same situation.

I married my husband 20 years ago. I weigh 45-50 lbs more than I did then (and I was overweight to begin with). He weighs about 35 lbs more. We are both active, we try to exercise and eat healthily most of the time, but we still enjoy a very active physical life together because we are attracted to each other -- simple as that!

caramelchicken December 26, 2018

Wanting physical affection and intimacy is NOT superficial/asshole behaviour etc. People vary in how important sex and physical affection is to them, but to be almost completely devoid of it... if it was me, I'd just be like, what's the point of being in the relationship then? If it's really important to you, then it's important you don't keep feeling like crap with someone who can't/won't fulfil those needs.

Always Laughing December 27, 2018

It's not wrong to want those things, but you can't change the way she feels and if you want those things you need to divorce. Right now you are in a friends marriage if you want more and she can't give it to you then you need to leave.

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