Let's be normal(?) in Musings

It’s been 25 years that my grandmother has left us… it’s so weird to me that I was 6-7? Years old and I’m the only person who remembers her…

I remember her so clearly… there are times I’m rushing to work and I snap my bedsheets and out of the dust, her scent permeates my nostrils. I can explain snippets of it… but it doesn’t fully grasp my scent memory…it smells like home… it smells like being loved, being a child, being worry-free… it smells like the chicken coupe she would take me to, to steal the eggs for breakfast… it smells like the hooves of the cow, the metal of the bucket, the weird sweet grass scent shooting out of the cows tits. It’s just my memories…
It smells like that gross scent between your toes that you don’t outwardly say you kind of like the smell, but it’s kind of disgusting. It smells like when you lay on a beach and tan and you smell like the world…

I miss her… I’d give my success and trade my soul to be in her presence for just a moment.

“You’re such a handsome boy, you’re not the absolute best looking of the family here!” She said grabbing my chin “but you’re the most sweetest, authentic and little brat… and you’re going to suffer because you’re a new soul here” she squeezed the towel over my head… I never understood what she meant back as a kid… but I understand now that she prepared me to have tough skin…

Alex walks around the house and they treat him nicer than they treat me… and I don’t understand…lm not trying to be more Puerto Rican than anyone… I’m the only one out of the family and a part of the first generation that can afford to upkeep the farm… I’m not fucking rich…

Nonetheless, I’ve just kept my head down and my ears covered… and I’ve been kind of breaking down… and Alex sneaks into my bed with me (because being gay is a sin, but the loopholes are all fucked up) and I’ve been just crying and crying and I’m just weirded out but the amount of privilege I have… and my mom wants me to apologize to her aunt… it’s like mom I don’t do apologies—she knows her boundaries and I respect her as a matriarch of our family, but just because you have age I’m not going to tolerate ignorance…
And I feel like I don’t want acceptance… I just need your tolerance and with that comes respect. Should I apologize for calling her ‘a empty uterus bitch’… maybe, but not even her adopted kids could step up for my grandparents little plot of land.

I had this weird dream with my grandmother.

I was walking in a black field and I was terrified. I began running and in the distance I could see the open door of the farm house. I run and run and I can’t seem to get any closer and I see my grandmother walking through the land and as she reached out for me, a weird animal attacked her and I just watched her be brutally murdered, by some half man-half beast. I’m screaming and crying and begging for help, but I don’t have a voice that anyone can hear… and as I’m crying trying to inch my way closer to her as she’s dying she just says “Andrecito, just stay here with me and until I go home” and I can’t even reach her or touch her and I’m just hysterically crying…

Anyways I can’t cry too much because I’m with Alex and he’s hella worried about me and this bizarre psychosis. I have to just pretend to be normal.

Xoxo
Andy