The million ramblings in Musings

“It’s just a little snow Andy, c’mon stop being a princess!” Alex said as we walked out way to our apartment…
First of all I am not a fucking princess… however, I have 1500$ shoes on trudging in NYC snow, for 18 blocks, wearing a $4500 fur coat and ALSO trying not to slip on black ice, while I’m drunk and dislocate my fucking hip, break my wrist or any other part of my body—because it’s the body that has created a 1.5 million dollar business.
I’m not a fucking princess… I just know what the fuck I am worth and I’m not about to lose it all because of a drunken Thursday night. Fine, I can get another pair of Louboutins, I can find another bullshit fur coat—but if I slip on ice and break my wrist!? Who the fuck do you think is going to take my clients?! Who the fuck do you think is going to be unemployed for 6-8 weeks while a fucking bone heals?!

Okay, maybe I am a fucking princess… but I got here off of the sweat, blood, tears and sacrifice that this body has made…
“Alex!” I yelled at him “you call me a fucking princess one more fucking time, I’m going to say things to you that you’re not going to like—so keep your fucking mouth shut” I said as I dug my heel into a patch of ice.
“Babe it’s just shoes” he said trying to grab my hand. “I can get you another fur coat, just walk faster, it’s not that serious” he said.

I felt all of my drunk fade away as I stood in a ice puddle.. “you think I care about these shoes?” I said as I walked out of the puddle onto an iced pavement. “Congratu-fucking-Lations! You can get me another pair of shoes, you can buy me another fur coat!” I said as I kept walking “I can buy myself 10 of these coats, as a matter of fact, I can go to the farm where they murder the foxes for my Prada coat, I can pick out each Fox that I want to create my jacket…” I said as I walked carefully on the iced pavement. “It’s not about the money, I wish I could use this coat as a sled to get home bro…you might’ve forgotten Alex, I make my money, you GAVE ME alimony, not because you had more money than I did, but because you didn’t want me to not need you, like I’ve always not needed you in our relationship” I said as I held on to the railing continuing to walk home. “Fucking call me a princess again bro… the only princess here is you” I said as he started to turn beet red.
“Babe that’s not what I meant when I said you’re being a princess!” He said as he puffed his chest up infront of me.
“I’m not going to sit here and replay how you diminished me, how I helped you pay for your Columbia Education, how you just put your name down on the ownership of our apartment, but I fronted the bill—” I said as I continued inching my way to our apartment.
“Andy you’re fucking mouth is wreckless!” He said as he stood infront of me.
“Is it wreckless?” I said as I pushed into him. “Or is it that this is the me that should’ve put you in your place when you were fucking beating on me?” I said starting to tear up.
“You’re going to hold that over me all of our fucking lives together?!” He said.
“I’m going to hold it over your head for as long as you keep seeing me as a fucking princess… ” I said as I reached the door to our building.
“Andy you keep misunderstanding me!” He said as the doorman came out and grabbed me. “Sir Andres, hold my arm; let me walk you inside, you’re shoes are soaked!” He said as I held the doorman and walked in with him.
“Babe, I don’t misunderstand you. I adore you. I’m so inlove with you” I said as I took off my shoes in the building’s lobby. “I’m not going to repeat history again with you, so either you see me as your exact equal, because I’ve never given you any reason to consider me more or less than that” I said grabbing his cold, frozen hand—“or you can continue trying to be this macho man and just because you put your dick in my butt, I’m automatically inferior. Understand that I’m not looking to categorize you so that I can feel better about your higher or lower position in life…but this is what you’ve always done to me” I said as I clasped my hands in his and held them against my chest. “I’m not that diminished little boy that you use to beat up and I’d make excuses for you…” I said putting his hands on my face. “You are my man, my husband, my boyfriend, my best friend—whatever the fuck you want to label or not label yourself as, we are equals” Alex held my face and kissed my forehead and held me in his arms and I felt like it clicked with him. We walked to the elevator and he just stood completely quiet.
“Babe, but you know that you’re mine?” He said wrapping his arm around my waist, the bleeps on the elevator bursting in my ears. “I’m here to protect and maybe in my own fucked up way my male-chauvinism is how I can protect you” He said.
The elevator doors burst open and I walked on our floor barefoot, Alex is holding my fur coat—I glance in the mirror of our floor, and see that I look a fucking mess.
“Well fuck your male-chauvinist ideals…” I said fixing my hair in the mirror and pressing the button on my key chain to open our apartment door. “I’m a fucking man—if you continue to repeat the patterns that led us to be divorced and now dating again, restraining order and etc; I promise you’re going to be the victim. If you don’t learn from your history, you are doomed to repeat it” I said as I walked into our unfurnished apartment.

I didn’t look at him as I said that and threw my key on the kitchen table. I just hear his shoes plop on the floor. I hear his coat zipper and I smelled his cologne and his scent permeate the room.

“Baby?” He said as he unbuttoned his shirt “I didn’t mean to diminish you when I called you a princess” he said as he slid his cold hands under my shirt.
“Maybe you didn’t babe” I said swiping my thumb over his eyebrows. “You’re not going to be insecure about me or us ever again” I said as he hugged me. “I always treat you like what you perceive as a man in public and in private” I said as I ripped off my pants “you’re a man… just remember I’m a man too.” I said as he stripped down to his underwear.
“Andy, I love you” He said as he pushed me onto the shitty couch. “There isn’t another person in this world that fascinates me the way you do” he said kissing me.
“I love you too Alex… I love you so much my heart hurts” I felt my eyes tearing up and tears rolled down my face. “This is the last chance we have, I’m not going to be the same fool twice, I’m not letting history repeat itself” I said as he swiped my tears away.
“Babe I just want you to forgive me” Alex said kissing me. “Just accept my apology”
“Alex you’ve been forgiven since always” I said putting my arms around his waist.
“Nah you don’t Andy” he said brushing my hair away from my face.
“Yeah I do… I don’t hold anything against you, you’re everything to me, I forgave you, I forgive you—but most importantly I forgave myself and I know what I am worth” I said kissing him. “Everything you did and how we existed was because I allowed it” I said as I sniffled. “Forgiveness is cheap, and selfish” I said closing my eyes as he burrowed his face in the book of my neck. I forgive you not for you, but because I had to forgive me”

He goes off in a rant about how my family hates him because he feels that I haven’t forgiven him. No my family doesn’t forgive him, but they know that I forgive him and most importantly–I forgive myself for allowing everything that he did in the past diminish me… if he truly forgave himself, forgiveness is a selfish human, moral interaction—he wouldn’t even care what me or anyone else said to him. Don’t fucking worry if my Mom, my brother, sister or my Aunts and Uncles think about you. I fucking love you… because I love myself and I forgive myself for not taking care of myself…

I hate having these weird, deep, intimate conversations with him—but that’s my problem…he’s not that guy… he gets a lot of my weird emotional interactions… and only now is he truly coming to terms with the fact that the reason that he’s so inlove with me, is because I’m truly not like the others he’s met…

In Puerto Rico I went to this witch… she’s the family’s witch and when I came into her little shack and I introduced myself to her and as she spoke to me; she held my hands and as I spoke she released my hands and burned copal and began to boil an egg. I didn’t know why; I assumed she was hungry and she wanted to burn incense, it smelled like frankincense…

She spoke to me in the most sweetest, gentlest way… she opened my palm and looked at it and without me even telling her “oh that’s interesting you’re an Aries… but you’re at the beginning of you’re horoscope” she looked up and I smiled and shrugged and she said “of course you wouldn’t tell me, you’re made of fire… you make you’re own way—but just like fire, proud and strong, you’re weakness is that you’re strength is made from the embers and the fuel of your loved ones” and she smiled and she lit a cigar and began to blow it around me, “You have the world in the palm of your hand, I couldn’t see that when you walked in and I had to burn off all evil leeches that you carry with you—I know that what is most fascinating to your lovers and to your family, to me is that you’re so incredibly mysterious, but you’re not that mysterious, you seem evil, but that’s because you carry it with you—people hate you and envy you because they can’t get you, because they think that the easiest possibility isn’t you, but it is you”
I laughed and she smiled and turned off the boiling egg.
She held my palm open and rubbed the egg over my hand… “there’s a benevolent spirit with you, she loves you and she knew you before you knew you… she’s dead… she’s here with us…with you” she said as she places a candle light over my palm.
“You’re not suffering with money, career or love, you’re suffering with vampires, the feast off of your gullibility” she said. “Andres, I don’t need to read your palm because I can’t stop this spirit that is with you to keep telling me to tell you to know that you’re hers, she’s telling me to tell you that you should part your hair in the middle, she’s telling me that she can’t stop loving you, and to bite your fucking wicked tongue to your elders—” and I was in extreme shock when she told me that my hair needed to be parted in the middle…my grandmother told me because my hair naturally parts to the left apparently for clothing the holes are usually on the left (the woman) grandmother told me to part my hair in the middle.
I started crying at this woman’s little hut… and she grabbed the egg and smashed it on the table… and held my hand over the smashed hard boiled egg.
“Andy you know how defenseless you are? I hear you’re guide telling me to tell you to believe!” The witch said. “You’re full of bad spirits and I’m going to tell you this because you’re spirit guide wants you to know” she said holding my hand “there will be a blood spot in this egg, when you lift it and I’m hearing your guide tell me that you’re going to say that it’s a ruptured vessel and the malformation of the egg” she said blowing cigar smoke on my hand… “leave logic and heed my call, blood on an egg is the sign of malevelonce, wake up papito… you have the world” she let go of my hand and as I lifted my hand to see the smashed egg—it was white with a yellow yolk and I snubbed it like hmm another parlor trick and she cut the egg long ways from the pieces that I had crushed and there was a weird vein bloody thing in the white.

Witches or Santeras in Puerto Rico if they are true Brujas… they don’t ask for money… they don’t even want to be bothered… my family knows this woman because she is the witch they chose to guide them spiritually… she lives in a hut, my family lives in a gorgeous farm… I felt freaked out and I thanked her after and she smiled and turned off her cigar..
Once I told my mother, my mother made me turn around and give her money… this witch never asked for money and my mother told me why she smoked cigars until I left her house…

The smoke from the copal attracts a certain type of entity, or a giver of messages, a cleanser, the third-eye, she is a woman. But she needed the smoke of tobacco to attract the entity of healing, the warrior who is capable of allowing her to see me and not absorb my energy, he is a man… and he is the most feared deity, the most benevolent and the only source capable of connecting a spirit to a living person. I felt goosebumps when my mother was telling me this and she was so agitated… “she had to summon Chango for you, you are a weak spirit Andrecito! You left that witch money?!” She exclaimed and when I said “no she didn’t ask! She was happier that I left” I said. My mother damn near slapped me “You better March you’re fucking little skinny gay ass back to that woman and leave her money!” And as she said that, my aunt was overheating and gave me coffee beans and a plate of boiled yuca and codfish salad and said “give her money Andres, and bring her this too! She must be exhausted with you!”
And needless to say, I did make Alex drive me back to that hut and when I knocked I heard her lighting up her incense and as she opened the door threw rock salt over my shoulder and on my feet.
I apologized to her… I gave her food and I gave her $1000 in cash. She accepted the food happily and then brushed me away from the cash.
“You can’t buy your happiness Andy” she said as I tried giving her cash.
“I have happiness ma’am. It doesn’t come with these papers I’m grateful to hand to you” and it was a weird interaction, she asked me to come into her house and I stepped over the salt line she left.
“I’ve never met anyone like you. You don’t need spiritual guidance…you need spiritual strength and awareness” she said I smiled at her warmly. And I began to tear up.
“Don’t cry… you never belonged in this world, you don’t belong here, but you have a lesson to learn here.” She said as she hugged me.
“Whatever soul inhabits this body you exist in, it’s an anomaly” she said taking the money from my hand and just pulling out a 100$ bill… “you will always be protected. I don’t need all this money, keep it for you” she said as she humbly held the bill in her hand…
“No!” I insisted. “Take it, you deserve it, and I’m sorry it’s not more” I shoved it into her night gowns pocket.
“Oh my sweet beautiful child… I don’t wonder why Chango made me his vessel to speak to you, you have so much good in you and you forget that you’re just made of fire. Your own destruction comes from you’re own pride. If I couldn’t wake you up, if speaking to you in the words of, who you think I don’t know, but it’s your grandmother…you will destroy yourself by not realizing your own knowledge of how much incredible strength you have” she said as she pulled out the money from her pocket.
“I’m telling you this again… I took what I needed, I took what I wanted—I learned that you exist in this world—I don’t need this money, I don’t want this money; it’s a privilege and honor to be able to hear her voice again.” She said as she hugged me. “Donate it to the Puerto Rican fund for the devastation of Maria. You take what you need in this world, and you give just enough in this world” she said as she grabbed her broom and started sweeping the sea salt into the corners of the house…
“Fine!” I said “I’ll donate it, but if you need anything from me or my family—I am here, call me, write me, or reach out to me telepathically” I said laughing.
“Don’t laugh at the things you half understand and half accept…” she said sweeping around me in a circle “I can’t tell you what the lotto tickets are for tomorrow, but I can and will tell you things about yourself that you think only you know” she said as she rested her chin on the broom stick.
“I can see a cloud of a very long term relationship in your spirit… I can see all the moments of your life and the effects of your decisions, like the rings off a tree stump” she said as she scurried me out her house…
“It’s not that I don’t want you in my house, we can talk on soil…but you’re spirit and your guide and your energy; it’s not something I can fight or brush away, not at my age papi” she said as she sat on her porch.
“I’m sorry” I said as I stood on the soil.
“Don’t be sorry” she said reaching for my hands and kissing them. “You have it all, you’re palms say it, the smoke of the copal says it, the clouds of the tobacco say it… you are so much more than you think you are…”

I said my goodbyes to her and offered her any help that she may need… she’s about 72 but she looks and has the agility of a 40 year old.

She said her goodbye to me and I literally found a TRUE Puerto Rican reconstruction effort relief fund and I donated the money she left me with, that she didn’t accept…

I’ll be seeing her on thanksgiving this year… my family never invites her because even though on the surface we don’t believe in witchcraft because it’s against Catholicism, but we truly rely on witchcraft and because she’s a witch—my family never, ever invites her because they think she’s evil…but my family still seeks her for spiritual guidance…

I can’t wait ‘til Thanksgiving to walk hand in hand with her into my family’s home and sit next to her and talk to her…

Not only am I a halfsie, I’m gay, I grew up ghetto and poor, I’m dating a white man, I’m dressed up in labels they haven’t heard of; I will be also walking into dinner with this witch.

If bitches don’t like it… they can get the fuck out of the inheritance I can finally afford to upkeep…and I will proudly sit at the table with her on my left my man on my right and I hope anyone says anything. You hypocrite ass bitches… you abandoned this woman after grandma died 28 years ago and she is still the weird fortune teller and Santería priestess of our family.
Communion on Sunday, herb potions on Tuesday, immoral, blasphemous heretic rituals on Friday. I will sit down at that table with my boyfriend and the witch together and I pray to god that one of my aunts or cousins says anything about this woman.

Also, I made her pinky swear to me to come to thanksgiving dinner with me, if she didn’t have a family or plans of her own.
I’ll report back

Xox