Ups & Downs in Journal

My therapist thinks I might be Bipolar. I’ve been in therapy for years and have seen lots of different therapists but never have I heard “bipolar” before. It’s because I mentioned feeling constantly up and down - which is true, my mood changes everyday and is so wildly unpredictable. I have been trying to be more aware of my mood these days especially since my partner and I finished couples therapy. A lot of my problems stem from my insecurity which increases tenfold when my mood nosedives.

Sometimes it happens so quickly. Just tonight, I felt so happy and at peace. Partner and I were hanging out together and having fun, I was laughing and then minutes later I felt a shift in me - aggression, annoyed, short tempered. My clinginess kicks in and I join him in bed even when I’m not tired. He falls asleep before me (as he does every night - I’m always up 3 or 4 hours longer than him) and I start doubting the reasons why he’s with me. Turn the lights off and cue the instant fear and anxiety. The depressive mode hits and I start to pace and try not to cry. I don’t even know exactly why I want to cry, only that the sadness is OVERWHELMING.

This is so common now. This cycle repeats itself some days, most weeks but every month without a doubt. Intense happiness than intense sadness. Some days the depressive episodes are so bad I can’t stop crying. Who knew a person could cry for 5 hours straight and still have tears left ? My energy completely fizzes out and I find it hard to even move. Other days I’m so bright and bubbly I can’t stop moving and dancing or singing. I get urges to be social and then I get urges to stay in and hide for days. It’s… insane.

I don’t know what I am. The PTSD took over my life and now I have trouble going about my day to day life whilst trying to feel some semblance of normality. Some days it’s there though. I have friends, a job, a degree, a boyfriend, an apartment and two cats and those very much feel normal and make me feel like a human being.

But I always get back here just questioning who I am or what’s… “wrong” with me? I guess it would be nice to go a month without having a mental breakdown.

My therapist has asked me to note down my mood everyday until my next session. Part of me is terrified of being “bipolar” but also part of me wants nothing more than to be legitimately diagnosed and well, fixed.

I always say to my partner that I am trying very hard to get better and I look forward to the day where I can say I am.

Monday: happy & ecstatic - good uni results & new rental application approved 10/10

Tuesday: started good then nosedived to depressed - fight with partner over money & questioned his committal 8/10 to 2/10

Wednesday: average to good - partner and I went on a date and then we had REALLY good (makeup) sex 5/10 to 9/10

Thursday: average - work was quiet and lonely, friend cancelled our meeting and I had trouble sleeping 5/10 to 4/10

Friday: great to sad (not quite depressive but so close) - spent the day with my best friend and went shopping, spent time with partner. started to feel lonely around 11pm and feelings felt more intense for 2 hours 8/10 to 3/10

I think I dealt with things okay tonight. I wanted to cry and I didn’t. I wanted to freak out but I’m okay. This writing is helping. Making me feel a little more normal rather than just ~voices in my head.

I’m hopeful.

x