Jealousy Is A Bitch in Journal

I have such an intense problem with jealousy. It started when I was a little girl because mum used to compare me to others a lot. I think she planted insecurity in me because she was insecure herself. From when I was a young age mum would say things like how disgusting she was, or how ugly she was. I never thought she was either of those things but either way her attention turned to me the older I got and just calling me names. Ugly, fat, disgusting, embarrassing, loser, depressed, bitch, slut, whore. If I’ve learnt anything from developmental psych it’s that if you repeat something enough to a kid they’ll start to believe it. I didn’t have anyone to stick up for me or tell me she was wrong. So, to this stupid fucking day I can’t look in the mirror for longer than five seconds without pointing out all the flaws on my face, I can’t look at my body in the mirror and won’t even try. When I had an eating disorder was the happiest days of my life which is extremely sad and embarrassing to admit, but I was happy because I looked ‘beautiful’ and everyone told me so. Even though I was sick all the time and contacted glandular fever, it was the first time in my life my mum told me she was proud of me and it was because I wasn’t eating. Fucking great.

It’s just frustrating to me. And it’s harder to ignore the jealousy and stop comparing myself to others than to just shut the voices out. Cos that’s what it is really, an evil fucking voice in my head just telling me over and over how worthless I am.

J is spending lots of time with one of his work friends, E. There’s a history because he told her about breaking up with me before talking to me about it, after telling me he ‘barely knew her’. Lying to me was fucked. I thought for sure he was cheating on me, but turns out they were just friends. But there’s still that voice in my head that keeps telling me they are cheating. There’s literally no evidence other than the ‘emotional’ betrayal.

Things are looking so up for us and it just feels like I self-sabotage goodness every time. I’m trying to practice some self-love shit but as long as I am unhappy about my appearance, it just brings my entire self-worth down.

I still remember when I was 15 years old and I was severely depressed. I started seeing this guy that tried to pressure me to do sexual things that I wasn’t comfortable doing yet (I never did anything with him but the pressure was constantly there). He was much older than me and the things he was doing would probably count as attempted statutory rape but 15 year old me didn’t know shit about that. I was so nervous and shit I used to just hide my whole body by wearing the baggiest clothes cos I hated myself and my body sooo bad. Mum used to belittle me and say shit like, “why don’t you go anywhere?” “why do you dress so bad?”. It was just constant putting down and embarrassment. The mix between older men sexualising me when I was barely developed and my own mother telling me how fucked I looked really screwed me up to the point of being hyper-aware of every single part of my body. Not to mention the pictures my ex made me took that made me feel disgusted and ashamed. The more I remember the more I despise her and them. They took advantage of a little girl just to make themselves feel better. Fuck them.
I need to channel this anger into something positive though or it’ll just ruin me. I’m trying.

Saturday: productive day, felt good and spent the night with my best friend and co. I needed it. 6/10 to 7/10

Sunday: work was very average, but had fun with friends at night. hard time sleeping again, intense anxiety. 5/10 to 7/10 to 4/10

Monday: ugh. lethargic & anxious. no motivation to do anything. 3/10 to 5/10. This intense anxiety is getting worse but I can’t sleep again. 11.24pm and wide awake still whilst J is fast asleep. I fucking HATE this.

Gonna try and find something to help me sleep this week.

Last updated September 17, 2018