Maternal Power in Letters I'll Never Send

Mom,

I’m so happy that we are at that “friends” stage. There was a time when I wasn’t sure it would ever happen, but here we are 18 years after I met you and I actually enjoy your company.
But that wasn’t always the case. I was never like my brother yelling “I hate you” whenever I got angry. And I never did hate you. But I think I blamed you for things that were out of your control.
When I was little I was so happy-go-lucky. I didn’t care that I didn’t have a dad, I didn’t care that I didn’t have new things, I didn’t care that we moved a lot, I didn’t care that I had to stay at school all day.
I didn’t care that I was hungry.
It didn’t take long though for these things to start to bother me. It didn’t seem fair that I didn’t have what my friends had. It didn’t seem fair that I always had to wait. It didn’t seem fair that I was always just a little lonely. And I started to blame you. “Well, she was the one to marry that jerk.” “She was the one to go back to school instead of focusing on her kids.” “Well, she’s the one who made things this way.”
If I had known then that you would have gone back to school to get your naturopathic license, to leave me in Vermont Hills with all those soul-draining kids, just to work an entry level job I would have been so much angrier.
I thought you were selfish. But now I realize, is it really selfish to try to follow the dreams that they said you couldn’t have? I just hope we weren’t a burden for you.
You know, I wish things would have been different. But they weren’t. And quite frankly that made me who I am now.
You’re so quick to say that I was born knowing everything I needed to know and that I’m the same as I’ve always been. I don’t think that’s true. I didn’t always know how to deal with everything but I had to learn. And now here we are.
I know you don’t care what I do, but I hope I can make you proud.

Thank you,
E.