A letter I'll never send in Letters I'll Never Send

Q,

I’ve written about you at least a hundred times but I haven’t written your name. If you were ever to read this you’d think I was crazy. Maybe I am. You were nice to me. And I appreciate that. I really did like you and that is such a rare feeling for me. But I think as you left and I romanticized every moment I grew more and more in love with the idea of love. You were merely the face of what I wanted. I’m sorry that I built you up to be something that you could never be.
I think I would be really happy if we could be friends again. I do miss talking to you. It was nice having someone who didn’t know me at all to be so open with me. And to have someone who I had never known but who I could feel open with was so new and refreshing.
I’ve been really lonely lately. Which isn’t your fault; really it’s just a me thing. But it makes me think of you. Like I said, this is all so rare for me. I saw you make friends so quickly but I only gained one. I felt closer to you then the rest of them and that is just selfish. These things aren’t normal for me so I haven’t been able to replace you. I really wish I could but it’s out of my control. I try reaching out but I can’t help it if no one wants to bite.
So what do you need to hear? You are such an interesting person. I hated you at first, did you know that? Like who even drinks coke without ice? When you would stroll on over with that all too optimistic smirk on your face I would dread serving you. Isn’t that funny? And gosh when you when make the same compliments about my shoes…it felt so insincere. I guess I wasn’t used to all that. I just hope I didn’t come off as rude, I just didn’t know how to respond. I don’t know if you were paying any special attention to me but I think I enjoyed it even if my first instinct was to hide.
But when I heard that compliment the last time while I was just sat outside trying to just be for a moment it felt different. You could have just said that and sat down and that would have been it. But you introduced yourself to me, talked about school, work, and the past. It was so refreshing. And things totally changed.
After that, I actually looked forward to you coming by once or twice a day to talk about whatever it was that you were excited to talk about. I think it was after that that I started to like you. And had the hope that maybe you liked me too. There were much better things for you to be getting to eat. But you came and saw me.
I remember that time that you were bragging about being hit on in the food court. It was one of those “you’re asking ‘what’s up’ but you really just want to talk” moments. “That’s cute” you seemed surprised. I was just happy to have you tell me a pickup line, eye contact and all, even if it was just the relay of a story. I thought maybe you wanted to build yourself up, prove that you were desirable. It was cute.
Things were so good. I actually went out of my way to talk to you, my hands were so shaky and my ears so hot but I did it. You know how incredible that is? I can’t overpower my anxiety but you made it worthwhile.
And then you stopped talking to me. When you first switched from soda to water I started to miss you. But when the only times I got to actually see you were when I was coming, going, or sat out of sight.
Then the news that you had a girlfriend. I was sad at first, but then fine. I hoped that you were happy. I hoped that we could be friends and be comfortable in that. I’m sure I oggled over you but I would have been fine, happy even, to just be your friend.
I think what was the worst was that you didn’t seem happy. You were always smiling, save for the couple of times that something was going on. But you just seemed so distant, not just physically. I could identify your elbow in the reflection of a mirror through a crowded mall, I could see that glaze over your eyes. Thinking back, you must’ve been shouldering a lot with work and school but to have someone to rely on is supposed to make that easier.
When I saw you two together you seemed so superficially happy. I hope she wasn’t a chore for you, that she was great. You really seemed upset when she broke up with you.
I didn’t want to hop in too strong after that. At that point, I figured that if you didn’t want to see me that I wouldn’t bother you. But if you had come to see me to be open like you once were you could have just done that. I would have supported you if you needed it.
I wanted to ease into talking again. But it was so fast that you left. I regret what I said to you the last time I saw you. Not so much that it was bad, but I could have done more.
Sometimes I go to your gram and stare at the ‘follow’ button but I know I have no place.
You’re gone. That’s okay. I just hope you’re happy. But if you’re thinking some of the same things wherever you are, you know how to get in touch with me. A friend of a friend of a friend definitely has my number.

Wishing you the best,
E

Last updated July 11, 2018