6/18/04 in Victim of Society

Well today I went to Orange County finally but it wasn't a fun trip. I had to go there because my grandpa who I am very close to had to have a QUADRUPLE bypass! When we were driving there, it didnt really hit me that this surgery is critical. I kept thinking like "oh hes gonna be fine" Then when we got there my whole family was there and they looked really sad and I started feeling sick. Then I sat down in the waiting room and just stared off and was listening to my headfones and suddenly I just started crying like crazy. Tears were streaming down my face but I didnt want to open up my eyes and then my mom came over and gave me tissue and was like "why are u crying?" and i was like "idk! i cant help it i just started crying alot" and she was like "its ok sumtimes our emotions just get bottled up and we start crying alot" then i just sat there and started remembering all the fun times me and my grandpa and grandma had before my grandma died and how much it fucked up my family when my grandma died and how i didnt want my family to have to go thru that again with my grandpa. me and my grandpa well i call him papa, we used to be so close when i was little and we used to play cards and he taught me how to play poker and stuff and we used to recite all the nursery rhymes and then like i grew up and we sorta drifted apart and when i think about it i feel bad like, all my grandpa wants is for me to be his lil girl again and i get mad that i had to grow up and like idk it makes me feel bad that i cant be his lil grandaughter ne more :( I dont want to lose him. i want him to know that i love him so much and that hes the best grandpa and stuff. but wat if its too late? wat if i dont get the chance to tell him that? after the hospital we went back to my grandpas and my uncle stayed at the hospital with my grandpa. i had to be by myself for a lil bit so i went to the book store and read for a few hours but then my mom called me and said that dad had to take me home cuz i have a cold and i cant spread germs around. so i drove back to my grandpas and i was like pissed off that i had to have this cold and that i couldnt stay with my family so i just said "Fine." and my dad drove me home and then dropped me off at margots. she was having this kick back and everyone was drinking but me and drea made a pack not to drink and i was actually having a fun time being sober so i was glad at that. but i felt really sad still about my grandpa and i didnt feel like having to hide my emotions ne more and i was really tired so i went home with gen and she gave me a ride back home so now here i am crying thinking about my papa. i hope hes ok!!!! :(