Sabotage Expert For Hire in Struggles with Addiction & Depression

I keep writing about how I’m forgetting to be sad but maybe what I really mean is that I still don’t understand how to be happy. I look at everything from my slanted mindset and the true shape of the thing is often lost on me.

What I’ve really been forgetting are the habits I’ve intended to solidify in my life as part of my daily routine. I only got so far into the daily rituals of being a basically content and aware adult enjoying and caring for myself and my immediate surroundings.

I’m doing the dishes, I make the bed, I clean the litter box regularly, I always take my medication. I have so many more good days than I have bad now. I’m actually mindlessly in love with a beautiful badass bitch with great music taste and style who loves me so much I can’t deny it in the look on her face whenever I see her. We are both introverted and even though we live across the street from one another her busy schedule and my uncomplicated one don’t align as often as you might think. But when we are together I am beside myself and at total peace with everything.

Also she lives with an old ex-girlfriend and close friend of mine from my early 20s in the most beautiful high rise apartment (did I mention it is across the street from my much more modest 10th floor roost?) with an outdoor pool, tennis courts and giant 30th storey rooftop patio open 24 hrs?

But I can’t forget my initial inspirations for getting better and taking care of myself. I re-read my bio on this very website and even in the short paragraph I wrote less than a month ago I told myself sweet lies. I stopped pushing as soon as it started feeling right. I have to keep going, count my calories, skate every day, write as much as I can and force myself to and unlearn the old coping strategies that no longer serve me. I have been a master of self sabotage my entire life and I refuse to fuck this up for myself.

Last updated May 16, 2018