Nervous. So nervous in Self-Improvement, 2018

Tonight I have to go back to the house for the first time since I left. This will also be the first time I’ve seen my ex since I left. Side note: I have used “meeting with the ex to discuss divorce matters” as an excuse to miss at least two football practices. Sorry, not sorry. This will be our first time legit seeing and talking to each other since February 17th. I AM NERVOUS. I have no idea where is head will be at. I hear my therapist’s voice in the back of my head saying “I’m sure it won’t be as bad as your brain is making it out to be.”

I had an appointment at the courthouse on Monday with a courthouse facilitator. I’m pretty sure the one I met with had been a facilitator for the last 40 years at least. In my county, if you don’t have a lawyer, you have to meet with a facilitator as a requirement before you get a divorce. Their entire job is to make sure you have all of you ish together before your hearing. They aren’t lawyers and offer no legal advice , but they make sure your paperwork is legit.

This lady. I swear. When you make an appointment with a facilitator, you have to complete a form that states your case number, type of case, and a brief description of why you are requesting an appointment. So I walk into my appointment, and she’s like “What are you here for today?” I was under the assumption that she had reviewed my info and had a general idea of what was going on, so I had “the clerk’s office told me I had to meet with a facilitator before my divorce hearing.”

She then goes “Okay so what paperwork did you bring me?” The clerk’s office didn’t tell me I had to bring anything with me, and since they have my file there at that courthouse, I figured she’d have my file for the meeting. I told her I didn’t bring any paperwork and that I didn’t know of any paperwork I was supposed to bring. She uses this opportunity to make me feel like a 2 year old. Keep in mind, her job is to help people. She goes on “How do you not have your paperwork? Have you even filed yet?!?!” all dramatic like. Fuck you, bitch.

I said I had, but I figured she would have my file because I was under the impression that reviewing it was going to be part of our appointment. Then she asked if it was a divorce with or without kids, which furthermore tells me she never looked at my appointment request form. Had she looked, she would have seen A) My case # (which means I filed) and B) the type of case – Dissolution of Marriage with No Kids. This lady literally didn’t review shit and she’s the one who’s supposed to make sure my stuff is legit. Am I wrong in assuming that she’d at least have some general idea why I was there.

Eventually got off her high horse, gave me the two packets I was supposed to have completed prior to the appointment, and walked me through them. Side note: if it was mentioned on the request form to “make sure you complete Packets A & B prior to your appointment with Old Bitch”, then a lot of misery could be avoided. Anyway, I completed the packets and signed them. I wonder if she’s like that to everyone who comes in to see her.

Hubby also has to sign, which is why I’m going over to the house tonight. I’m nervous about what I’ll see. The shape he’s in – physically & emotionally, the condition of the house, the condition of the cats. Everything. I’m nervous that he’s going to put up a fight signing the packets, even though the packets contain information he’s already agreed to in the original divorce filing. But he needs to sign them before the hearing in June. I’d like to just get this over with as soon as possible so I can rest easy until June.

And work has been yuck this week, but I applied for another worth-interviewing-for job to make my 1-a-week quota. The payroll chick who I’m covering for will be flying back from her vacation tomorrow and will be back in the office on Friday. I want to be able to do as little thinking as possible on Friday. I deserve it.