since we're here in 2018

10:47am

I guess I can continue to write here until this place implodes. I’ve gotta pour my thoughts out somewhere.

I tried to export all my books yesterday but it must have been busy with everyone trying to get their stuff saved. Does it feel like we’ve all done this before? hah. Anyway not a single one of the books showed up in my email so I just went in and tried again and sure enough they’ve popped up. I feel much better now knowing it’s somewhere. I’ll feel even better though once it’s saved onto my computer, and maybe even external hard drive. I’d hate to lose any of it. I was lucky enough to save it before OD went down and I hope this all saves too. Not sure about the notes though. I don’t think those are a part of it. hmmm…? I’ll check it out.

Yesterday was a bad day. I didn’t sleep well. Woke up at 3am to use the bathroom and then couldn’t get back into a good sleep. I don’t sleep on my back much. My upper right thigh is acting up again so that side was mostly out unless I could get it just right. Then my left sciatic nerve apparently decided to hate me so that was out too. So bad. I was so sad just lying there.

Then of course I skip the exercise and fall asleep after my alarm. Luckily I still woke up in time to get ready. But I was dragging and in an annoyed sorta mood. Everything was bothering me. Every one was bothering me. And walking in to see the note on PB closing only added to my misery. Let’s just say I was glad to leave at the end of the day. So glad!

I didn’t sleep much better last night. I’m trying to stay positive but it’s hard to be freaken positive when I can’t move. I was thinking a couple days ago that maybe I just need to resign myself to the fact that this is probably never going to go away completely and learn to live with it. It’s been 10+ years already. I can’t imagine it’s just going to mysteriously disappear the way it arrived. I had hope for a while but maybe it’s time to accept the inevitable, right? There might come a day when I can’t move my arm at all or have enough control over my leg to walk. What do I do then? How do I prepare for that? I should start looking at options now so I can accept it and move on quickly if the time comes.

Whatever. I get depressed thinking about turning into some cripple. I’m not even 30 for Pete’s sake! sigh
I damn well better enjoy it while I can, right?

The other day I mentioned Hawaii, but I rambled on and forgot to mention I’m probably going to Laughlin right before that. Like I’d get home one day and leave the following morning for Hawaii. haha. We’ll see how that goes. I’ll have to pack for both trips at once and then just get home and wash what I need. Then maybe a trip to Oregon and I was thinking my brother could pick me up and I’d go to Seattle and fly home a week later. But I got this long ranting email about how he can’t stand our mother and now I’m pissed too and will probably skip that trip until he becomes a decent human being again.

I think we might fly out to WI some time this summer and roadtrip to the Carolinas too. That will be fun if we can manage it! Then I know for sure my big convention is in Nashville this year so that’s on the list. I’m looking forward to all of it!

I hardly travelled at all last year. I mean, still more than most people but no where near the craziness of 2016. That year was exhausting. Like I was dying to get home at the end of that last trip.

Now that I’ve recovered though I think I’m ready for new adventures! I kinda want to go to wine country and take a hot air balloon ride this year too. Probably in the Fall. And I really, really want to get back into photography. I think I’m just going to get drunk one day and email TF so he can take me out into the wilderness. =) No joke, I’ve already got an email drafted because I know I’ll lose my nerve. A little liquid courage and it’ll be sent for sure. I know if I tried really hard I could maybe find someone else, but I like him. JR’s too busy with his family responsibilities and never wants to hang anymore let alone go exploring. The client would probably go but then it’ll be him and I, and I’ll have to entertain him as well as shoot. Even if it doesn’t work out to go on the hunt with TF at least I know I can be alone with him without it getting awkward. There’s too much potential for awkward with the client. And damn it I still want to be friends with TF! Even if that makes me the stupidest girl in the world and he goes along kicking and screaming. I know we are good for each other. He needs to stop resisting something I know he wants deep down.
Plus, some day, I may lose all these hesitations I have and just hook up with the guy no strings attached. I honestly would if it weren’t for this irrational fear I have of getting pregnant. It would be sexy as all get out. The passion and chemistry we had/have is insane! But I am so not going to be a single mom if I can help it. I grew up without a dad. I’m not putting another kid through that.

Anyway, we’ll see. I’d like to do it right after the season because the hills should still be green from the latest rain and a potential for wildflowers. If I wait too long everything will turn back to brown again. I’d really rather have the contrasting colors if I can manage it. I just won’t have a lot of time between end of work and travel time. Damn it’s actually only like two weekends. It might have to wait until late May after all. Or I’ll have to move quickly.
Not too quickly though because I’m practicing patience! -_-

I was going to say to remind me I said these things, but I guess we won’t be around for much longer. Is that still the case? I’ve heard so many stories. I’m leaning towards wordpress as a refuge. I heard goodnight journal, or something, but then saw a lot of negative stuff about it. I am definitely not paying for OD so I’m trying to see where everyone else settles and go from there.

I should get ready to go home. Another long day. Need a drink. =]

rose.
6:12pm