Long exhalation in Feelings

I’m struggling a lot this week. My heart hurts. I feel sick in my stomach when I think about being separated from K. I had a massive cry on the weekend which was cathartic and needed, I’d gotten teary a few times the last week but only enough for a tear to well and not fall. I liken the feelings to breathing. There are times when I feel like an inhalation - open, expanded, full In these moments I have clarity, I KNOW that everything is OK, I know I can get through this, I know that living alone is ok and what I need right now. In those moments nothing can worry me, I feel weightless and content with the process and flow of life. Then there are the exhalations - collapsed, restricted, empty In those moments I feel like there’s no point to life, it’s too hard, I miss our relationship, I remember the good times, I think about the things I’m going to miss, I feel low and out of energy, I worry that I’ll be alone forever, That K will find someone else and have a wonderful loving relationship and I’ll be destined for a life of loneliness and misery. Exaggeration perhaps, but it’s how it feels.

I worry I’m getting too old to be attractive, too skinny to be attractive to other women. We all know the stereotypes of women and what makes them attractive, but they exist in different ways for men too. I’m not a muscly guy, I’m not a manly man. The thought of a new relationship sometimes exhilarates me, to think about that honeymoon period, that rush, that getting to know each other, being flirty and close. At the same time the thought of another relationship and ‘starting over’ scares the fuck out of me.

I think I really need some time to be alone for a while. I’ve never really been ‘alone’ with myself, and that feels important now. I was with M from age 19-24 still living with my parents, then moved into my own place with K the moment she arrived off the plane from 25-34 (now). To jump into a new relationship straight away, even though tempting for the comfort and physical intimacy I’ve been missing with K the last few years seems a disservice to myself. K says she is not interested in a new relationship, she just needs to be alone. I get the feeling when she starts uni next year she will meet someone and something will develop. I think that would devastate me most, her telling me that it’s not me it’s her, she just can’t be in a relationship now. If she did go into another relationship I’d be angry and hurt, but at the same time I want her to be free and have or do whatever she wants, the same way I’d expect the same. It’s a constant conflict!

I think for once I’m actually FEELING things instead of being numb, it’s just overwhelmingly sad and I’ ready to move through it, but I think this is pain I need to feel, for better or worse :(

Last updated December 05, 2017