Rent in Stuff
- Sept. 19, 2017, 8:18 a.m.
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- Public
Current dilemma: Olsen doesn’t want to live at home with her family anymore because she’s a mature college student now. But she can’t support herself on her little income AND be a full time student. I bought her a car. I pay her tuition. Do I also have to pay her rent? And why should I, when she has a free place to live in my house, which is less than a 30 minute drive to her school?
I struggle a lot with my financial relationship with my children. I don’t want them to be without anything. It’s a maternal instinct maybe? But I also don’t want to buy them everything. I’m fortunate to be in a good income situation, but I don’t want then to grow up thinking any time they need something they can just ask me to buy it for them.
I guess I’m looking for suggestions from people that have been through this. Do I come up with certain conditions? Not more than a certain amount? She must have at least 1 roommate? At least 2? I pay rent but she pays all her utilities? I can think of all kinds of things as I ponder it now.
Or do I just say no? I’m not against that option. She has a free place to live and that’s all she gets until she can afford to pay her own rent herself. I don’t charge her rent to live at home, and I know some parents do that.
Firebabe ⋅ September 19, 2017
People think the worst result of giving a kid everything they want is that you end up with spoiled, entitled kid.
They're wrong.
The worst thing that can happen if you give a kid everything they want, is that they grow up unable (or unwilling) to do things for themselves, to engage and embrace hardships with the intent of having something tangible (i.e. a car, a home, a business, a vacation, etc.) at the end of it, and basically being an unproductive member of society because they don't know how to budget, or work towards a goal, or how to deny instant gratification in favor of obtaining something more important. Not to mention the fact that everyone that child comes into contact with most likely shakes their head, wondering why they turned out that way.
A parent's most important job, is to make sure their kids know how to take care of themselves, and fend for themselves, WHEN YOU'RE GONE. That doesn't mean you can't help them, but it does mean that they should know how to work for something they want, because when you have to work for it, you learn pretty damn fast what's really important to you.
Sister Firebabe ⋅ September 19, 2017
You are totally correct. While I didn't and don't give my kids everything, I have a habit of "fixing." My youngest is 19 and lost and I admit it is my fault.
Firebabe Sister ⋅ September 19, 2017
It's a tough line to walk. You want to support your kids, and help them get the things they want, but you don't want to turn them into sponges either.
If you really want to help Olsen with an apartment, I'd recommend setting some conditions. Either she has to help pay a portion of the rent, or pay the utilities, or contribute in some way. That at least helps her to understand the amount of money things cost, while not having her shoulder the full burden of it.
Triple H Firebabe ⋅ September 20, 2017
This is what creates the dilemma for me, as I grew up in a family that was lower-middle class and couldn't afford to give me a lot of the things that I CAN afford to give my kids. So I struggle with thinking that I want them to have all the things I wish I could have had...but I also wonder if the fact that I grew up and made something of myself is at least partially the result of the fact that I had to do a lot of things on my own as I was growing up without anyone giving me stuff that I wanted....
Bird of Paradise ⋅ November 18, 2017
This reminds me of our similar situation.
Our daughter lived at home. We bought her a car/paid her insurance and she still got an allowance. She had a part time job and went to Collage full time. She wanted to move out of the house to have that experience of living on her own (Probably with a few friends) before the day came when she got married.
I understood that need to do that, but she had free rent and food at home. We talked her out of that. Had she insisted, there was nothing we could have done, and I would have stopped her allowance.
She opted for the wiser choice.