November 10th, 2010 in "Waiting for my Petrichor"

I tend to spend a lot of time analyzing my past. And it is very easy to do so because I have many reminders of my past decorating my environment. Journals, pictures, scrapbooks, souvenirs, etc. I have noticed a difference as of lately though. Well you see before, I would look at things and desperately wish I could go back in time and relive those moments. But now when I look at these things, I am so very thankful that part of my life is over with and I want nothing more than to move on with my life and am very excited for my future. I also have a hard time relating with who I used to be anymore. I am guessing this is a good thing. Maybe even a sign of maturity? When I saw the page of Matt and Craig, I really did a few laugh out louds at how stupid I was. I looked at pictures from when I was 15 and had my natural hair color, I was shy and quiet...and then to pictures when I was 17 and constantly drunk, loud, and extremely emotional. I think about that time period and all the things that occured and I realize now that it is okay for me to have acted that way. I am no longer ashamed or embarrassed by my actions. I was such a lost, depressed girl going through so many emotions that I had no idea what to do with myself. I am very proud and surprised that I have been able to become who I am now despite all the shit that was thrown my way. I think I needed my crazy years. It was my way of dealing with what had happened and I acted out the way any normal girl would do if she had gone through the stuff I went through. It is crazy how much I have always hated myself. All of my journals document intense self-loathing and the past few weeks I have felt that same self-hatred pop up again. But over the last few days, I feel like something has changed inside of myself. I was trying to hide from people, I was hating who I used to be, I was confused on who I am becoming now....and it was creating a lot of negative energy and anxiety. I felt myself sliding into hibernation, but something greater than myself must be lingering around because suddenly the negative energy has vanished. I feel an intense amount of calm, positive energy and I everything in my head is suddenly quiet. I am no longer running and hiding, I am telling myself it is okay. I am not a horrible, ugly person. I just need to stop looking at everything and everyone as "better" than myself because the feelings of inferiority will never vanish if I continue to do so. I think what irks me the most is when people are openly conceited and confident about themselves. When I hear people brag and boast about themselves it makes me want to scream and tell them they aren't that great and I immediately point out their flaws in my mind and wonder why don't they notice those flaws about themselves? It is because that is what I do to myself. I only notice my flaws and it is quite impossible for me to boast about anything I do and especially not about my appearance. I am the same way with book smarts. When people start acting like they know all this stuff it really pisses me off. Or how they try to discredit the things you believe by their mumbo jumbo scientific crap. I'm not religious, but I am spiritual and it just pisses me off when people say that there is not an energy greater than yourself, there are not spirits that can connect with you, because they honestly believe they have some kind of superior knowledge about shit. Ahhh I can go on and on about this one, but all I want to say is I have first hand evidence that there are things greater than myself out there so people who want to discredit that can walk a day in my shoes first and then tell me what they think. And this is coming from a girl who was a proud atheist at one point in her life! Anyways, I guess the people that are constantly boasting and bragging are the ones the have it off the worst. They actually need for others to believe they are smart and beautiful because others opinions about them are more important to them than their own. That is pretty sad. Well, to sum this long entry up, I just want to say I am not going to dwell on the past anymore and I am not going to beat myself up for not living up to my abnormally high expectations of myself. I am going to accept who I am and live my life one day at a time. I am also going to [try] to let go of some of the memorabilia from my past that I really just shouldn't be holding on to anymore.