2010 has been the crappiest fucking year thus far in my twenty-two years of existence. I guess today a lot of anger from everything that has happened this year has really surfaced. I was reading my 2010 journal and the thing barely has any entries in it. I started it in April and even seeing my fluctuating moods perturbed me. Also the fact that every month I was writing about a new guy I met. Fuck. The journal was supposed to be about finding myself, being free from any form of dependence of anyone, especially a guy. Fail. What pissed me off the most was when I wrote about how thankful I was for having Brad and how he and I were growing so close together. And I think about the months I spent with the dude and I am seriously disgusted. He is the nastiest creep I have ever had the displeasure of letting into my life. I want to run to the bathroom and throw up when I think about how I let that fucker into my life. He is sick. I want to wash away the past, sanitize it. Throw some fucking bleach on it. White it out. I don't know, man. Then there was military Zach. Boy, I got all head-over-heels for him. Even mentioned how he could be "the one". Wow. I must seriously be crazy. Those feelings lasted, meh, two weeks at the most. And then I was running for the hills as usual. Then AA Justin. OoOo he had almost four years of sobriety, he was so wise and mature. HAH. Dude turned out to be an arrogant prick who was obsessed with sex. I definitely had fun deleting his number from my cell phone. And lately Jay. Now I have nothing bad to say about him. He is a nice guy. But, wow, the first guy who gives me an inch of attention I latch onto and invite into my world. I tell them my whole frikin life story. They can tell I'm obviously a mess. I'm crazy! And I keep talking and the more I tell, the closer they want to be. And the closer he wanted to be, the more I realized I just wanted to get away! And there I was again, running for those damn hills.
And of course I can't leave out the biggest part of this year. The part that has been literally driving me nuts. The thoughts that never seem to have a stopping point. They keep going and going, swimming through every crevice of my brain and the long, endless road inside my mind: the lost love of my fucking life. These thoughts are consuming my entire life. I need to see a fucking shrink! I can't keep running around trying to get rid of him by covering him up with images of other guys. The same thought always entering my mind when a new one comes along: Maybe he will save me. Of course they never do!!! They just leave me more frustrated and lonely and longing for something more something better; the best of them all---HIM!!!!!
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