I went to a Youth Peoples meeting tonight and I really liked it. But this whole sober life is scary. I mean...can I really do it? The only reason I even thought about going to a meeting is because the court is forcing me to. But now that I have gone to a couple, I am realizing a lot. I am realizing there is a different life out there that I could be a part of if I really wanted to. Do I really want to?
I am scared to find out who I am without alcohol. I was looking at old photos and at least 90% of them I am holding a drink in my hand. That is horrible. How come I never realized I was such a drunk? Or maybe I knew it but I was just ok with it because everyone around me is also a drunk. It's all I have known. And now it's like this new door opened. A door I never realized was there. And there is something pretty fucking amazing reaching out to me and I really want to be a part of it. But that means I have to let go of my old self, this whole life I have been living up until now. I will set out on a new path and it is scary, but it is something I do want. I just don't know if I am ready.
And thinking about all of this and going to these meetings and meeting all these sober, awesome people who actually care has made me think about the people I associate with now and I've realized they aren't very good people. And then I think about Justin who is always drunk and e-mailing me drunk and how everything is totally fucked between us. I think about the night we met and how drunk we both were. And all the nights we spent together having fun...all because of alcohol. And then how we cheated on each other when we were both drunk. And how I've been chasing after him this whole time thinking he is the one. But fuck...if I choose this sober life, he will never be apart of that. Maybe he isn't the one.
Maybe there is a sober, great guy out there who is REAL to himself..who would be REAL to me...who would treat me with respect? But before I meet that guy, I gotta learn to respect myself first...
Can I do this???
Sunday June 18th= Day one of sobriety. That means I have gone two full days already. I mean...only 28 more and I have the big 30. I can do this...
Right???
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