where you are tonight in 2017

March 6, 2017
1:37pm

I’m actually debating on whether or not I want to start this right now. My thoughts are mostly processed on the situation but I don’t want it to come out the wrong way. I don’t want it to seem like I just come in here to complain, which mostly lately I have been doing a lot of. I think those are always the thoughts that I need to run through. Like I don’t exactly need to ramble on about happy thoughts. I already know what’s going on during that situation. I’m happy and that’s the end of that. But the confusing stuff tends to involve complaining or just a complicated thought process. Also, I have no definitive answer as of right now. So maybe I’ll just give a quick run-down. I don’t know. I really should be working now that I think about it.

Or having lunch. Maybe I’ll go have lunch. [clearly I am procrastinating right now and I have no idea why!]

Yup, I totally went and ate lunch. Mom made beef and barley soup yesterday and it turned out amazing. Like I could eat an entire pot of that stuff. So I took a little break and ate a bowl and now I’m better able to concentrate. =] Plus I’ve done like 2/12 reports that I needed to go through so I’m feeling productive and it’s only 3 o’clock. haha.

Anyway, nothing new to update on the TF front. I mean, like nothing new and juicy and full of cute little details because we did not go out yesterday. In fact, I haven’t heard from him since late Saturday night.

A part of me wants to say that I hope he’s stuck out in the mountains somewhere and that’s why I didn’t hear from him at all yesterday.

Tuesday now:

It got so super hectic here yesterday afternoon. I have no idea what was going on but it was like late January instead of early March. We didn’t leave the office until 8:30pm. I just looked at my calendar from last year and there was only one day I got out after 8 and that was at the end of the month, which makes a lot more sense. I’m hoping that was a rare event because I cannot continue to do days like that. I was so drained by the time I got out. Like I could barely function. I was lucky enough to have had that lunch and thank God I took it when I did. I still got home and wanted nothing more than to shovel food in my mouth though. And I felt mostly ok after that.

The good thing about needing to stay up front and focused was that I ended up making it through 8 of those reports I needed instead of just the original 2. That’s helpful. I’m going to multi-task on those now.

Also I received an invitation for my friend L’s baby shower coming up next month. It’s going to be on a Sunday but I’m hoping I won’t have to work. I think it’s early, like 11:30a, so if I do work I should be able to get away with showing up late. It’s not usually crazy busy on Sundays. It mostly ends up being appointments, so we’ll see how it goes. I just remembered this morning that I haven’t RSVP’d and I think I need to do that soon. I’m looking at her registry but there’s hardly anything on there. I don’t want to get them anything they don’t need, but I want to find something cute darnit. haha. I better get something a.s.a.p. or I’m going to run out of options. Such a terrible procrastinator. [p.s. found cute things - purchase has been made.]

Anyway, back to what was happening in the crazy world of TF and Rose:
I ended up sending him a text last night around 7:45p saying basically what I said above about hoping he was lost in the mountains somewhere but that that wasn’t nice and I’d just deal with being stood up and ignored again.

Then I waited…and waited…and waited…Nothing.
Honestly I didn’t totally expect to hear from him. I’d been waiting until after work to contact him but I didn’t expect to still be at work that late. So I figured with how much he’s been working lately he’d be going to bed early.

Not that that means that it didn’t still crush me when I still had no response by the time I was getting ready for bed around 10:30p. I’ll be honest, I walked into my room, put on some music [darn you Kip Moore and your sad song] and I sat down on my bed and kinda burst into tears. I couldn’t help it. I think I’d been holding them back all day. You know because I wasn’t surprised that he didn’t show up, I was surprised that he didn’t call or try to contact me at all. He’s never done that before. He’s certainly stood me up before, but he’s never not called.

We were sitting on the couch when Mom asked if I’d heard from him [it’s hard to hide anything from her when we live together] I told her no and she made some comment about how this wasn’t the first time he’s done something like that. Only she doesn’t realize that every other time we’ve gone without talking it’s because we’ve had a weird disagreement or are just looking for space. So I said “yeah, but never when we’ve had plans.” And she made some comment about how that part was kinda weird.

I contemplated what I wanted to say to him today. I didn’t want it to seem like a big deal, because it really isn’t, I was pretty much planning on asking for a raincheck anyway. I knew he was a lot busier than he thought he’d be. But I was kinda starting to worry. It wasn’t like him to totally blow me off like that. And I needed to say something so that he’d respond.

We’d talked on Saturday night. It was almost 9 o’clock and I was out at my cousin’s and I hadn’t heard from him. I didn’t think he’d still be out hunting that late. So I sent a text and within like 5 minutes my phone rang. He was calling from his house and was just getting out of the shower. I guess hunting ran really late and he’d gotten home and gone straight to take a shower. He still had to feed the dogs because he’d had them out all day and was going to get ready for bed because he needed to be up at like 3:30 again the next morning.

Apparently they’d flipped a coin and he ended up being the one picked to take the remaining hunter out the next day. They’d only killed 3/4 pigs [gosh I feel so country writing this lol] and they didn’t want to pay to have 3 hunters go out with one guy. So he was the lucky one.

He kept saying he still wanted to take me out. Over and over. That he still wanted to go. He said he’d be in touch with me all day long. We’ll talk all day And originally he was going to call me around 10am to update me and I said no way so he switched it to noon and said when I got up at noon I could think about him having been up at 3:30am. ha. But he didn’t want to give me a set time and then look like a “fucking jackass again” when he didn’t get there on time. Ha! Look who still ended up being a jackass! And really that was only because he specifically said we’d be in touch all day and he’d call at a set time.

I totally get being busy! I wouldn’t ever hold it against him. He was working and doing his job, even if it sounds like a big game running around hunting pigs. But the fact that he said all those things, which he did not need to say, and then didn’t follow through was what hurt me. Like I just watched the hours tick by and didn’t hear a word. That’s what sucked. Because he could have found a way to call, or even send a freaken text, that he wasn’t going to make it. I didn’t need an explanation or anything I just needed some common courtesy. That’s it. The rest of it didn’t matter at all.

Well I got a text just before 9 this morning [gosh, remember when he used to text me at 5am?! .... is it weird that I kinda miss that a little? like he couldn’t wait to say hi....]
It said, ”I was so tired on Sunday. I passed out and didn’t wake up until 330 the next morning. But that’s still no excuse for not calling.”

Duh! You might not be such a moron after all!

I think it must have been around 10 when I saw that and I was honestly just relieved to have heard from him. I’m glad I didn’t have to reach out again before he responded. So around noon I said, “No, it’s not. Especially considering it’s Tuesday now. I was almost starting to worry you know since you’ve been so polite about standing me up in the past.” I was sorta trying to be funny there at the end. Because seriously! It’s not that big of a deal! I didn’t cancel any plans, or miss out on anything waiting around for him. I did what I wanted to do on a Sunday. I cleaned, and ate, and drank, and watched movies on the couch. All good. My life wasn’t ruined because we didn’t go out to eat crab.

But now that I look back at it I’m thinking maybe it didn’t totally come off as a joke. Text is hard to interpret sometimes, especially my particular brand of sarcasm, but oh well. It is what it is.

I do think it sucks that every time I start to think things are good, they seem to fall apart. This is different since we haven’t had a “disagreement” or any real reason to not be talking. I don’t ever know what to do in these situations. Like a part of me starts to think that God is giving me a sign and I’m ignoring it. I keep asking for something obvious. Something that will prove that I should move on, but then I get something like this and I think “nah, that’s not really a sign. I really like this guy. I’m not letting go that easily.”
And what if I’m tempting fate? What if I’m forcing the world to bend to my will and it turns out I’m fucking everything up? Do I have that kind of power?

I just need to make it through this next month. Can you believe the time changes this weekend? Then Spring, then Easter, then the end of work and the start of fun times again. I cannot wait to be bbq-ing in the courtyard again. Working outdoors. Drinking an ice cold beer on a hot summer day. Eating fresh baked lemon cake. One more month. One more month…

rose.
9:22pm