I can't help falling in 2017

2:56pm

I’m having another not so wonderful day. I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. I mean, I know, but it doesn’t make sense. I’m supposed to be doing really well right now. I have been in such a good place in life. Like probably the best place I’ve ever been in terms of emotional, and maybe even physical, health. So it doesn’t make sense that I feel so bad on the inside. Honestly, I’m ok when I’m around other people. This morning I was fine, and right now I’m fine, but that’s because there are clients here and they’re nice and friendly. When I’m alone though - yikes. It’s like this wave of depression just washes over me completely and I barely have the motivation to move. During those moments I want nothing more but to crawl into my bed and hide under the covers.

This is kind of terrible timing too. I mean, I can’t exactly hide under the covers in the middle of the season. I actually have to get up and move, and smile, and interact. Does depression really ever have good timing though? =|

I do understand that a big part of this is the terrible disaster that has become TF and I. It’s seriously only been like 3 days since I’ve heard from him and it still drives me crazy. I hate that he’s the one that blew me off, albeit pretty unintentionally, and I’m the one sitting around feeling bad about it. And I definitely would not be feeling bad about it if he just responded to my freaken messages!

I ended up emailing him around noon on Wednesday. I figured that text could have actually been interpreted as being aggressive, like I read it back and without knowing my own sense of humor behind it, it could actually seem angry. That is so not what I was going for. I was trying to be funny! I wanted to be all lighthearted and sarcastic about it, as per usual, and I always forget that those things do not translate well via text. You think I would have learned that lesson by now!

Anyway, I sent a funny email about how he must be even busier now trying to come up with ways to heal my poor broken heart. hah. I was trying to make the jokes really obvious so it could not be misinterpreted. I wanted him to know I wasn’t mad or anything. That I wanted to mess around.

Then of course the email went unanswered, because why the hell not, right?
So the next day I sent another one. [Yes, I know, I’m crazy. He’s already told me. ;) I just freaken like him and I can’t help it!] I said something like, “or not…whatever. No big deal =" and that’s also gone unanswered. Because he just loves to torture me with his silence! It’s breaking my heart though.

The more I deal with this the more I realize that maybe I trust my gut instinct a lot more than other people. I don’t know? It feels that way. Because I’m so sure of this. I like him, and I don’t have any doubts about it (at this point) and I’m all in right now if he wants to be. But he doesn’t seem to follow those same instincts. I know he likes me. I know he’s attracted to me. I’m just not sure that he knows this. Or maybe he does, but he doesn’t trust those feelings the way that I do.

It’s not like I don’t realize it’s scary. We’re both clearly very guarded. Our walls are up. And we keep fighting it, but we keep coming back to the same place. Like we want to be together but we just can’t figure out how. I know that life is so much more complicated than just saying hey, we like each other, let’s do this but I wish it wasn’t. Maybe I’m too naïve to think that you could just go after what you want. No hesitation. Or maybe I’d seriously end up regretting something like that in the long run.

I don’t know. I just know that I don’t like when he disappears. I don’t like that three days, or a week, feels like a lifetime. I don’t like that we’re still spinning in circles despite my saying that I do not want to play this game anymore. I don’t like that I can’t help but jump back on the roller coaster. I don’t like that we’re so good in person that it’s easy to fall back into things. I don’t like that we keep getting stuck. And I don’t like that I can’t seem to say any of this to him.

But I do like him. I like like him.

I guess it would just be nice if by some magical power of the universe this didn’t have to be taking so long to get started. I totally understand that there’s a reason behind it. Everything has its reason. But I’m so terribly impatient and this has been like a year already. I just want to be close to him. I want to be able to feel everything I know I could feel. I want to hold his hand and invite him to my super secret birthday party [mom mentioned inviting him that day he came into the office last week, but that’s so not happening at this rate]. I want to share our secrets and bond over stupid jokes. And I don’t want to wait forever for all these things to happen.

Some day, maybe, I’m going to come back here and say “ahh, now I know why the timing was off” and it will make perfect sense. But right now I can’t exactly imagine that moment. And I’m too damn impatient to wait much longer.

rose.
5:11pm