waves of insecurity. in a restless heart.

I have a fear of heights to some degree. When I’m standing on a high rise or hill or flying; I imagine myself throwing myself off, the building crumbling below me… falling to my death. Morbid.

In the last year I have steadily been dealing with panic attacks. Secretly at first. I’m strong, intelligent person of purpose. Being unable to gather myself and forgetting to breathe… I can’t let others see I am weak.

Tears fall when I laugh and I wipe them. But they’re not happy tears. They’re the tears I can’t cry when I’m sad or lonely or scared.

Tonight I had a wave of smaller panics. Driving away from dinner with my family crushed by the feelings of insecurity and fear. I can’t even place myself in it. It’s such a surreal feeling.

Everyone says I’m fine, but am I? Am I?

her lungs burn
acid tearing at her thoughts
contracted visions blurred
behind clenched eyes
fingers curled
around her throat beckoning
screams that have no sound
collapse.