Memories in BookThree: Flight Log 2016

I’m working on an entry in Drafts that attempts to chronologically place some of my stories. I think of it as a kind of “Hello, this is me” introduction piece. Unfortunately, some of the stories I want to share… I have already shared on PB with much more grace and talent. So it has forced me to go over some of the things I’ve written in an effort to find THAT PARTICULAR story (or THOSE stories). Doing so has created an interesting compare/contrast when it comes to life, expectations, etcetera. After all, when I first started writing this year… I was still living in Omaha, NE wondering if I was ever going to be hired as an attorney and wondering if my marriage was worth saving. Some things change… some things don’t.

When I started the year I had 5 goals.
(1) If, after another full 12 months, I can’t get a lawyer job… there is no reason to believe I ever will. (Funny thing? I did get a lawyer job… and I’m still wondering if I should stay in the field)
(2) I need to establish a workable fitness routine and become MUCH better about intentional, healthy eating. (Oh, hell, I suck at this. To this day. Really just awful).
(3) I will pay off the remaining debt owed for college and law school. (Almost there! One payment left and we should be covered I think).
(4) I will become a fully engaged member of my community. (HA! Even the churches around here have shut down there is so little Community. BUT whether I wind up in Cedar Rapids or Des Moines or wherever I find myself in 2017… community engagement will remain a priority.)
(5) 2016 means I will have been involved with this woman for 11 years; married to her for 5. If we can’t get to a healthy place this year… I honestly need to consider my options. (I still don’t know how I feel on this one. Yes, the relationship with Wife is still… rocky. But being here, where we are now, doesn’t help that!)
Hahahahahahahahahaha… my New Years’ entry ends with being concerned about a “small town of 7k and small county of 26k” hahahaha. That would be a blessing compared to our reality!

How’s this for sad… Jan 6th… article about Gun Laws in America. Something that came up time and time again throughout the year.

As I read about the Jail Job… I see a lot of correlations to where I am now. Absentee Administration; Zero concern for training. And safety. Granted it was more obvious in the Jail… no cameras, no safety training, dealing with inmates one on one. The safety concerns were obvious. The safety concerns around here have… become obvious. We don’t have bailiffs or jailers or security personnel in our courtrooms. Unless expressly requested by judge or attorney. On Friday, there was such a request. The judge specifically saying this person is a threat to safety and we would like a Sheriff’s Deputy present for the protection of court staff. The Deputy… played on his cell phone the entire time. Even when the defendant that caused concern was yelling and looking through her bag (we honestly thought she may be going for a gun), the Deputy just kept playing on his phone. So… that’s my trade off. A part time job that sucked, where I wasn’t safe and didn’t make any money but lived in a living town… versus a full time job that sucks, where I’m not safe, and live in a dying town but do make money.

JAN 8: “But my mind with nothing to occupy it? It would be an endless cycle of picking apart Marriage Problems, Job Problems, Job Hunt Problems, Schedule Issues, etc. My mind longs to be an active mind.” As I feel these days!

Not surprisingly… being rejected from job after job after job after job with Wife leaning on me to help get her out of her situation… created a depression and misery in me. What is really shocking about that, in retrospect, is that back then… I could have explored Downtown Omaha, gone to a show, spent the day at the cineplex, or spent time with friends. Right now… trying for jobs but feeling stuck here… I’m not as depressed. Yeah, this job is a nightmare and this place sucks for me so hard it has an oni… but something about (1) having some experience now; and (2) getting paid is helpful. Granted, in many other respects it is the same place. Trying to get a job, Wife leaning on me to help us get out of this situation… but now with no downtown, distractions, or friends.

Funny how Job Hunting Stress Relievers in a town with stuff to do still listed “Drive to Parents” and “Drive to MBFITWW”. One thing my present situation has CERTAINLY taught me is to appreciate places more. Places like Omaha and Des Moines. When you grow up with everything in walking distance.... you take it for granted. Living where a 2 hour drive is standard to do anything… re-paints the picture.

END OF JANUARY “Is it any wonder why I’ve become such a whiner? Work: No support, no camaraderie, no security. Home: No support, no affection, no empathy. Job Search: Daily messages of failure and rejection. Yeah… I’ll admit… it certainly feels like a burden.”

As I read my experience with the Law Library over again and see all the anger… it really does highlight my theory from previously. I was angry at the job for being so shitty; but I was in a city that I enjoyed and felt comfortable in… a city that was alive. So depression more often went to rage. Compared to now. I’m depressed about the job being so shitty; but I am in a city that is dying as fast as they can… so less rage and more… tired, depressed, sadness.

Reading how miserable I was in the Omaha Jail… it really just shows that… yeah. The last few years have been awful. And while there is every reason to say, “Then start today to make your life okay!” I’m going to ignore that mascot and fall back on something more practical. WHEN I wind up in a place where I’m not cut off from the world and hung out to dry… I’ll embrace that shit. Jail Job: not cut off from the world, but hung out to dry in a BIG WAY; Tiny Town: cut off from the world, and hung out to dry pretty thoroughly. Therefore, as a matter of mathematics alone… it is time to NOT be hung out to dry.

Though I do think about it. A lot of my 2016 Law Library entries were made during winter when the weather gets cold, my body starts to hurt a lot more, and I handle bullshit worse. And… that could certainly be coming. If the winter hits and hits hard here… that is also when Useless Boss goes away and potentially sticks me with the entire County’s Bullshit. Right when the weather is likely to be its worst. So… if I still work here in five months… perhaps the depression/despair will be painted through these pages in a more morose and macabre fashion then.

FEBRUARY 18: When I interviewed for the job I have now. Thoughts during/after the interview that remain true:
(1) it would be bad for her, the county, and the new hire because she wants the person to start by March 1st and doesn’t plan on doing any form of training.
(2) Wife and I several hours away from all of our friends and family; so there is no benefit in that regard. Plus… there is no industry or commercial sector for miles and miles.
(3) Hell, the city’s population is smaller than my High School. Wife came from a small town… and the town we’d be moving to if we get an offer is 1/6th the size of THAT town!
(4) It is just one of those things where… the situation sounds absolutely dreadful. I mean… expecting someone to (1) quit their job; (2) pack up their home; (3) find a place to live/move in to a new home; (4) and start a new job without training… all in the course of one week? C’mon… surely, I’m not the only one that thinks that is (1) pretty shitty; and (2) kind of a big red flag as to the nature of the job.

MARCH 16th discussing Tiny Town and Up North County: “That tiny as fuck town that would likely kill my wife and drive me insane? Well… that County Attorney has decided that.... she doesn’t want to train anyone… which means, rightfully, she shouldn’t be in that position anymore.”

MARCH 21st: Tiny Town Only. So… decent money, experience, but a “crazy” boss that doesn’t want to train, and a town so devoid of entertainment options that Wife may go thoroughly insane. “Then I texted my father… a man who has long been worried about my job prospects. His response: ”Is this the County Attorney who is retiring shortly and has no time to train anyone? If so, do you really want to jump in the fire from the fry pan in the middle of no where? Think carefully and without panic.” It IS that lady and the careful w/o panic is good advice. But… this is the world I live in. My first job offer ever (in this line of work)… I’m worried about the town (Coming Soon: 13 Hours! Seriously… the County Webpage advertises the NEW movie coming to their one theater… and that’s it. A movie that was released nationally on January 15)… I have a lot of apprehension and concern but I am trying to think “It doesn’t have to be forever. It is experience. I should view this as a positive!” Meanwhile, my wife can’t see beyond herself to even have a modicum of joy for me and my father is (rightly) worried that the negatives will outweigh the positives.”

March 22nd: “the job itself certainly makes me nervous. But that is only because my boss seems so… well, disinterested. Perhaps it is a personality clash. I would appreciate a response like : “First day of work, April 4. Go to Court House and speak with Auditor. When done there, call me. We’ll do lunch and discuss the next steps.”
That seems… simple and still allows for a sense of “Play it by ear.” Frankly, I don’t know how this woman has been a lawyer so long with such… lack of strength… in her words.

It certainly makes me nervous. I know she has no interest in training, which is bad enough. But… things like… where is my office… how will cases be assigned… WHERE DO I GO… WHEN DO I START.......... these are things I figured would at least merit a response.”

Of course… re-reading all of the issues about trying to get a house set up, sleeping without a bed, not having internet or television or anything… my beginnings in this place were extremely poor. So… while there is still sadness here; I can be pleased that I now live in a house and sleep on a bed and have access to the internet.

April 6: “I MISS THE INTERNET (and my wife, and a city larger than my high school… and not feeling so bloody lost all the time)”

April 8: “Again from my phone… I just wanted to thank everyone. It is seriously, ridiculously isolated out here and seeing any sign that people care matters so much right now. I was thinking the other day how I haven’the felt this isolated and alone in over a decade. So your notes have been huge!”

SECOND DAY OF WORK: “I am getting heavy Law Library flashbacks right now. My boss came in this morning; handed me a bunch of files; asked me to do forms and notifications; told me I had two trials tomorrow… and then left. So… no help or guidance or assistance of any kind. “

Continuing on to other entries: “I get that I’m not going to be the master of this job in short order. But… it is really frustrating to receive so little oversight and guidance when I’m this brandnew to all of it. And I realize, she didn’t have much choice… it was either me or nobody… but if this is going to be a situation of necessity for both of us, it would be better to make it work. Tomorrow… more paperwork… a domestic violence case (that I am to handle solo, having never met or dealt with any of the people involved)… “

“I haven’t cried like this in a while and I am not proud or happy to be doing so now. The isolation out here… it’s tangible. I’m friendly and “Hi, how are ya” with everyone but… it is clear with every interaction… I don’t belong. “

“So… yeah, my primary desire would be to know my job and do it well. But… first, I can’t wait a month for that. Not the way my Boss is. “

“If I wasn’t going to get trained in any way; why was it so imperative that I start so quickly?!

Ridiculous question, of course. Because they feed into each other. An intelligent person that was capable of considering other people would have thought; (1) this person needs training; (2) with zero apartment complexes in this town, this person will likely need to close on a place which takes 45 days; (3) so, I should have this person start in about a month and I’ll use that extra month to either build a training program or have him shadow other attorneys I know!

A person that is not capable of considering other people and/or doesn’t give a shit is more likely to think (1) I have too many cases; (2) I have a new hire; (3) Tell the new hire to start immediately; (4) dump cases on new hire; (5) bask in the lighter case load.”

“This is definitely one of the top 3 worst years of my life.
Age 17: Filmed a movie, got into an abusive relationship, abusive ex tried to kill me and rape me.
Age 20: Brutally dumped by Thompson, isolated away in my room for 4 months by myself, diagnosed with Fibromyalgia.
Age 31: Law Library, Tiny Town, Shit Shack.”

“Mostly what is absolute poisoning my spirit? Stress and panic. (Though, I still can’t declare whether it is the move, the house, the job, all, some, whatever.) I just… again… wish to scream to the heavens: SEND ME HELP. A TEACHER. DELIVER UNTO ME ONE WHO MAY EASE THIS BURDEN AND CRAFT ME INTO A COMPETENT PROSECUTOR. Whether Up North realizes it or not… they need and deserve a prosecutor that will work, that will labor to protect the community from the dangers that seek to harm it.”

“My boss… genuinely worries me. So… even my Wife says, “Talking to her, she sounds like very mentally fragile.” A lawyer, by necessity, needs to be clear headed and focused… above all, organized and knowledgeable. My boss called me a few times this morning to ask if I was going to work the NAME Case this morning at 11:30. That case has been scheduled for May 4th for two weeks. There are basic things in this job… basic things that even I, with minimal training and no understanding, realize the importance of and can do adequately. Knowing when a hearing is happens to be one of them. I am not being hard on her, btw, because even if she didn’t know or remember… the computer allows us to look it up easily. But… uh yeah… she doesn’t use computers. I would hate for her to leave because I can’t do this job on my own right now.... but every day, more and more screaming proof that she needs to retire. Like a doctor who can’t understand these new echocardiogram machines but keeps saying they’re perfectly capable of being lead cardiologist.”

“After spending less than three days in the Shit Shack in Tiny Town; she is now just crushed that we have to move Up North. She said, “I get it… when I got closer to a real city, I was relieved to see traffic!”

“Then she was wise enough to say, “I don’t even know what it would BE LIKE for you. Small town for you has always meant less than 20,000! But there… that’s an incredibly small town to me and I grew up in a town of 6,000” “

“Get to work and actually start right in on things! I’m cruising through an order I have to write and… I don’t like it. It doesn’t seem right. I really want my boss to look it over as it is my first order of this kind. And again my brain quickly curses the fact that… I have never heard of a new attorney working on their own the way I am. Never. Even in small Mom and Pop operations… there is a supervising attorney relationship for the first three months. This is insane.”

“It is getting really gaddamned hard not to take all of this shit personally. I get fucked into a town so small that it doesn’t even have building codes, a municipal code, County HR or IT… I get fucked into a living situation that requires me to live like a hobo with an inconsistent heater… I’m struggling at a job where there is no assistance, no teaching, and a rapidly increasing workload… Pappy’s dying. I’m starting to get angry at the All Mighty right about now. I keep reaching out for help, and getting ignored. Not just help from above… I’m literally reaching out to other attorneys, local individuals, and others in an attempt to help me get my shit together. NOPE!
Town’s too small? Fuck off.
Shitty living situation? Fuck off.
Asking other attorney’s for help? Fuck off.
Options for what to do if/when Pappy dies? Fuck off.
FUCK THIS WORLD, MAN!”

“Honestly… wish I didn’t still feel so much like quitting. Because… this is the job I want to do. I do sincerely want to be an effective County Attorney. I just…hate this process, or lack of process. The absolute… divorce? disconnect? Yeah, I know 10% more now than I did when I started the job. That’s good! But I can’t help but feel that there are certain expectations that I am absolutely not meeting. And at work, I really only have two modes. Beast Mode and Lax Mode. Beast Mode… I am a conqueror, tackling all challenges. Maybe not with ease, maybe not with skill; but mixing it up! Lax Mode… I am a leech, avoiding new challenges. Putting work off, maybe just staring into space for hours; but not really doing much work. And… I want and need to do this job at Beast Mode. But I tend to fall into Lax Mode super easy. Because… even when I have tons to do… I don’t know how to do it. I ask questions… wait for the answers… give up on the answers… try to tackle the thing again… get frustrated… think about quitting. That’s pretty much my work cycle most days.”

Donald J Trump is the Republican nominee. Apparently, my Tiny Town are HUGE fans of his and I hear a lot from them about how he’ll be “so much better than what Obama did.”

Why is Small Town shit literally “informal to a fault”

I am a little mad at myself for getting into this position and a little angry that I dragged my wife to this stupid place.

But we have a new addition today. FINGERPRINTS! As most counties and state governments have gone to digital fingerprinting (for the sake of having a National Database that could prevent or capture criminals)… this county has refused to put Digital Scanners into the budget. So, we fingerprint the way fingerprints were done in the 1950s! Are you… what the fuck?!

After looking through all of my 2016 entries; I couldn’t find what I was looking for!!