Sat, April 23rd 2016, at 2:20 PM
I have a friend (let’s call him M) who has gotten in a lot of trouble for something he didn’t do so he ended up getting really emotionally depressed and now that he has to do weekly drug tests he cannot smoke weed anymore which is what he turned to take the pain and stress away so now he is on pills like I am. Let’s get one thing straight here, MJ is medicine and it is good medicine with less flaws then all the pills we are taking. Anyway the past few days we have been playing xbox and talking and when (our good friend) (let’s call him J ) J leaves we really talk about our problems and complaints to be honest, for example we talked about how much of an asshole J is but because we are loyal all we do is talk behind his back instead of actually stop being friends or whatever (yeah we act like we are 15 oh well). An example is how I say I like something, an anime or movie or show and instantly like without even watching it or looking it up J just says it’s stupid and if we talk about how we feel like our problems he just says we should keep it to ourselves.
This is that kind of love-hate friendship I have talked about many times before, it’s abusive but like I said, both of us are loyal( M and I ) we will not stop being friends with the guy even though in the end it is an abusive relationship. But anyway to get back to the title of this entry “Someone Cares?” M and I both kinda abuse drugs (not hardcore drugs or anything) but because we end up getting so down and this is the only way we can at least feel better. But I told him about my suicidal thoughts and he said he doesn’t want me to do that and I told him that as long as my mother is alive I would not try to commit suicide and instead of telling me not to talk about it and to keep it to myself which is what J would do he just told me that I should never try while he is alive too, indicating that he really cares about me as a friend and maybe he is that one friend I always really wanted and needed. We both are so broken in many similar and yet different ways but thing brings us closer as friends ( I don’t mean in a gay way, I am gay and he his straight but I would never think or want that kind of relationship with us). And besides I don’t ever think I want a romantic relationship.
Anyway when I started having those thoughts yesterday I went to the gym and did a fast pace half mile on the treadmill and messed around with the dumbbells for a while before heading home and taking a nice cold shower and after that I enjoyed a nice beer. Beer never tasted as good as it did right after a good workout. Anyway last night I ended up drinking a little more and I snorted a sleeping pill and and several anxiety meds and it put me into a good deep sleep. I had a really long adventurous dream about Supernatural (one of my favorite shows), I don’t remember much but I remember that I was Dean, Sam and I saved a deaf-mute boy from something and some other guy and around the last part of the dream we were running from some kind of monster so we teamed up with the guy and the boy we saved, the guy got killed but the boy had some like mental powers that helped us get away from whatever it was and then I woke up. I don’t remember a whole lot about the dream but it was really enjoyable and it wasn’t a nightmare. My dreams are like movies and I just love being in the dream world, I think honestly if people in coma’s have dreams I think that’s where I would rather be. I would be stuck in the dream world where I could be anybody and have those friends that I truly desire and we could go on adventures together..... the perfect world, my perfect world.
I know I used this song before but this means I will fight to the death with my sickness and I will prevail
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