Friday april 22, 2016 at 4:20 PM
It seems like round clock now I think about killing myself or death in general, so I decided to call and make an appointment with my doctor guy as soon as possible which is Monday at 4 PM. Yesterday I was having these thoughts and decided to go to my spot and watch the sun set but also I had a few smokes and I laid down in the grass listening to one of my favorite songs which I will share with you. The song itself speaks to the kid in me that I still want to be, the idealistic little child inside of me that wants to live so I was able to turn the day around by listening to this song and also smelling the fresh air and feeling the grass. I love love nature and I feel so much better and happier in nature. Today I don’t really feel good and I started having the thoughts again which is why I went ahead and made an appointment and no matter what i will never allow myself to be inpatient or hospitalized.
I don’t know, everything seems to be going wrong. I ordered pizza hut wings and ate them, I felt sick so I made myself throw up some of it but the problem was it was coming up in small chunks rather than all at once so I gave up on it. I had lost around 7 pounds from the time I weighed myself late last year to sometime earlier this month and it sounds like a lot but I am a big guy so not really. I have been good with keeping my appetite down and not eating as much as i use to, I can go a day without eating and be fine or at least have something small like 2 slices of bread for example and i would be fine. I feel stupid for ordering pizza hut I always feel guilty after doing that because I do it so impulsively. I am basically trying to make myself anorexic so I can lose weight that way. I have been so large my entire life and I just want to be a thin person.
I had a very intense dream last night that involved me being with a group we could have been criminals or terrorists because we went into a masquerade party with a service cart that had food on top and a bomb in the bottom part, we set the cart in the middle of the room. ( we had hoodies on underneath that we had like gorilla masks and on top of those masks were those kind of half masks that you would normally find at a masquerade party and after we placed the cart in the middle of the room we pulled down our hoods and took off the top mask just leaving us with our gorilla masks and we all left very fast and no one even seemed to notice us. We had about 5 people including me and the leader because I remember as we tried to leave I was going first but the leader told me to wait and let the other two go ahead of me so I stopped by the doors and let them go ahead of me and then the leader and I left at the same time. I did not see an explosion or anything but after we left and went out the doors the dream restarted and we did it all over again the exact same way, I was aware of this but I let it play out anyway and this time when we got to the doors, the leader told me to wait again, the other two left first followed by me and the leader and then I woke up instead of having the dream repeat. I have noticed that sometimes my dreams repeat once or twice while I am asleep and I must be lucid dreaming because I am aware that it is a repeat but I don’t do anything about it I just let it play out.
Anyway thats enough of that here is that song that makes me feel like the idealistic kid I want to be over again.
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