Tuesday, April 26th 2016 @ 5:00 PM
I went to see that asshole doctor and I told him everything that I was concerned about, all the symptoms of ADHD I have he said is due to my Bipolar Disorder and he said that I cannot have ADHD if I did good in school. That doesn’t sound right, anyway I didn’t want medication for that anyway had I been diagnosed with it because the two main drugs (Adderal and Ritilan) are both basically legal meth and while I would try a lot of drugs, meth is not on the list. I told him about my suicidal thoughts and all he said was that I should not think about it and put it in a corner and not feed it. Does this fucker even understand what it feels like to be thinking about killing yourself? If it was that simple I wouldn’t have those thoughts in the first place, honestly next time I see him I want to take all my medicines in a box and hand it to him and say I give up I don’t care what the consequences are for not taking this medicine anymore because it is clear that you are too stubborn and naive to understand what all of this feel like. We both have different mindsets, he thinks that everything can be solved through therapy and I think that it is the medicine that helps and he even told me that he wants to take me off medicine “When I don’t need it” which is bull because this is going to be a lifelong battle and if I can’t have my medicine then I am just as good as dead anyway.
Today I got up feeling alright-ish and I left with mother and we headed to the post office to collect mail, then to the bar where my sister works (the bitch) and had a pop and a bag of chips, we then headed to a local restaurant and ate, it was alright but overall the restaurant always looks dirty and disgusting , the only reason we went there was because mother asked me to decide like she always does and I being the passive-aggressive person I am said we should go wherever she wants to go. I hate choosing I just want others to make the decisions and I will just go along with it. After we started eating I just started feeling worse and worse as depression kicked in full force and when we came home I was just way too exhausted mentally to do anything so I laid down and took what felt like the best nap of my life. I had a good long dream too and it was a good one but I woke up and fell back asleep causing me to forget most of my dream but I remember that in part of my dream it was raining and I was driving my car and something about my old childhood bedroom. In the dream I remember feeling really good and nostalgic. I have decided to dig out one of my laptops and charge it, also I looked for some free writing software to download and I will have my laptop sleeping beside me tonight and when I wake up in the morning I will turn it on and write my dream out on there since my handwriting is way too bad after sleeping. All of last weekend my best friend had off work so we played games pretty much all day Sunday and Monday which was fun. And so to bring my nostalgic side out which is basically the kid in me I am trying me best to keep alive (I don’t want to grow up I just want to be that kid again, I cannot let go. )
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