Everlasting Light in 2016

Don’t think I’ll be able to sleep tonight either. It’s the opposite of last night. Instead of dread, doubt and anxiety, I feel crazed euphoria. I feel like I’m full of energy.

I didn’t end up getting another Lyft ride and wasn’t feeling too great, so I headed home. I cleaned up a bit and then decided to make yakisoba, trying to imitate how my old roommates used to make it. I think it turned out well enough, I’m glad I grabbed yakisoba sauce from Uwajimaya, there’s powder included with the noodles but it’s similar to the salty powder that comes with instant ramen. I ate quite a bit and there was still a ton left. I’ve got leftovers for tomorrow, and I also packed up some for Ella and another tupperware to bring to work for Courtney. Even the thought of giving her homemade food makes me happy, anything I can do to brighten her day, just like she brightened mine earlier.

Courtney…I think she is why I feel so energized. I can feel myself falling in love with her. It almost feels as strong and energizing as the hurt that has turned into hate that drives me. What a foolish idea, falling for someone that I shouldn’t, but the heart does what it do. I definitely have an insecurity when it comes to people that are close, I feel the need for reassurance to know their support is real. It was a lot worse when I was younger, and I certainly sabotaged some relationships. She just makes me feel at peace, I feel like she truly understands me and believes in me, more than anyone else in the world does. People say they believe in me, but it’s hard to take at face value. She is the only person who seems to have equally unlikely dreams and desires. She’s not pursuing them right now, but the fact that I know her aspirations are as unrealistic as mine makes her faith in me seem legitimate, just as mine is in her. Yeah, she’s taken and we work together and we can’t be together, but I keep falling for her. It’s the opposite of how it was with Mayumi. Mayumi physically was always there for me during our relationship, and I loved her, and she at least seemed to love me, but we never really truly connected emotionally. We had love, and had passionate sex frequently but didn’t share hopes, dreams, fears, aspirations. We were too different, too easily independent, the love came from physical contact, proximity, shared experiences. I’ve only held hands with Courtney once, but just being around here these last few months makes me feel closer with her than I ever did with Mayumi. The physical contact hasn’t happened, we haven’t shared as many memories, but we have shared our deepest insecurities and we have the same sense of humor. I text her conversationally far more than I did with Mayumi. The long phone call we had where we admitted our feelings, all the little jokes at work, the serious conversations about our struggles and our dreams…I don’t know if I’ve ever really had that with anyone. Not all of those kinds of things with one person. I wonder if she is falling deeper for me as well. There’s nothing that can be done for now. I will do whatever I can to support and protect her. She has my feelings, but I’m still going to date and try to find someone else. Unrequited love is not something I plan to hold again if I can help it.

I feel like she, too, will drift away from me in time, but I want to keep close to her as long as I can. I want to be near both her light and her darkness. I didn’t write any songs about Mayumi until the betrayal, but I’ve already written several inspired by Courtney. Perhaps she’s my muse. She makes me happy, makes me not want to give up on trying to succeed as this version of myself. Makes me not want to give up my “humanity” just yet.

But, as with yesterday, I need to get up at 5 to work out and then go to work. So hopefully I can de-energize soon, haha.