Winter in On loves.

I’m starting to think that I’ve been in the very dull, subtle depression for a while. There are things that make me happy, for sure, and I’m never sad. I just feel dull, and drained of energy, and the days go by so fucking fast and each week bleeds into the next and sometimes I have to stop to think about what month it is.

I think about my boyfriend sometimes, and how he’s so smart and ambitious and overall great, and I think that he wouldn’t be with me if I were “just a nanny” unless he thought that I’d actually do something else, rise out of this and stuff. He’s super smart and he think I’m going to do something, surely he must be right. You know?

Most of my day is spent trying to keep my head above water. It’s this weird frantic kicking below the surface and I sometimes find it so hard to maintain. I distract myself by finding ways to get free stuff. And then I eat my free dinner and watch YouTube videos of people pulling pranks, except that I think I’ve watched all of the prank videos that have been made. A lot of it just feels like my head is full of cotton, and I think about my father, who for years has been waiting to die, and I think about how I’m just waiting to live.

I’m not like clinically depressed or whatever. Just kinda stuck, and frustrated by how quickly the years are passing and by how little I have to show for it. I’ve lived in San Francisco for three years, and that’s such a long time, but it feels like it’s been maybe two. I remember so much about each year of my life - my 22nd, my 25th, my 29th - but things happen and I don’t remember if they happened when I was 31 or 30 or 32.

I’m dog sitting right now, which is amazing. Two weeks in a big, gorgeous apartment overlooking Dolores Park, with a cute-as-shit French bulldog and a smells-like-honey cat that has made me like cats (or at least this one). In the mornings, waking up there, I’m happy. The apartment is warm, the dog wants to be spooned all night long, the cat wakes me up by meowing in my face, demanding breakfast, and there is a garage to park the car. In San Francisco, having a garage changes your entire experience of the city.

I need to block myself from Facebook again, and from YouTube, and from CNN, from porn sites (such a distraction), from Google, from the NY Times, from Yahoo, from Bing, from Instagram and Yelp and everything that enables me to disengage from the world. My adulthood is marked by the Internet. I think about my 20s, and I think about my computer. I look back on the brief, but best solitary times of my life, and they were all when I didn’t have access to the Internet. Does anyone else have Internet issues, too? I’m just like, man, there’s always something to read or to learn or to entertain. Why work on my career when I can read about OH MY GOD YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT THIS GRANDMA DID!

I’m taking vitamin D like it’s candy. Downing 1300 mg of st johns wort every morning. Taking 85 mg of caffeine in the morning and feeling alive until it wears off. Signing up to be an on demand dog walker, because I love dogs, and it’s a little money, and a little forced exercise which would be so good for me.

I’ve found a girl who will come over two mornings per week so we can blog and set goals and hold each other accountable. I’ve gone to a meetup and RSVP’d to another. I’m going to Arizona next weekend to hang out with my pregnant BFF. I’m writing in my diary. I’m not telling people (except you) about this big dark cloud, because I want it to go away.

I’m trying.