I weighed myself this morning and I’m down 46 pounds in 5 months! I’ve been fighting to get this extra 3 pounds off and I finally did it. Just 20 more to go until I’m satisfied. I know that I need to poop and that’ll take some off too.
Tired today. I’ve had 4 hours of sleep. I was wide awake when I laid down last night and the fireworks were keeping me up. I wanted to go back to sleep for awhile but I realize that I’m up for the day. I have a long day ahead of me but I’m off tomorrow. I plan to get some cleaning done while my daughter is gone and make sure I have what I need for her party. I think her friend is a little bitch and I wouldn’t be sad if she doesn’t come. I just don’t know who’d I’d ask last minute.
I don’t even know if I should talk about this but I’m going to put this here because I don’t plan to actually talk about it with anyone but he’s late on rent again. He was late last month too. They’ve even split the payments so he pays every 2 weeks. He is now being charged $30 a day for the late fee. I remember him text me awhile ago (before he was blocked) saying his life was going to change in a good way. My guess is the new OLD lady hasn’t moved in to help pay the rent. It’s just such a relief that it is NO LONGER MY FUCKING PROBLEM! It’s not a fun feeling when you struggle to pay bills, especially your rent of all things and I don’t wish that upon anyone at all, I’m just happy that I don’t have to be busting my balls to help pay it along with all the utilities, groceries, household items and whatever else!
As much as I wish we had more people in our lives, I’m grateful to be where I’m at and I know that I do have some people that care about us. My attitude towards life is so much better now. It’s better than it’s ever been and that’s why I don’t ever regret going there. If I wouldn’t have, I probably wouldn’t be where I’m at now. My stress is at a manageable level now and my weight is showing it. I like being able to buy smaller clothes and feel better in my own skin. I wouldn’t have this had I not had the worst fucking chapter of my life. I hated it here but after going somewhere that was way worse, I have a brand new appreciation for home.
Even my dr was talking to me about my A1C the other day and she looked me dead in the face and said, “your numbers are almost of a non-diabetic” and it’s like yeah, well when you get rid of dead weight, not constantly living in a state of stress and your actually happy, it changes everything. Now that I’m not being mentally and emotionally abused everyday, I can better afford healthier food options, and I feel like I’m in control of my life and choices, I’ve reached a whole new level of freedom. Being happy really does affect more than just your mind. I can’t believe the health issues I’ve had because of that situation and I realize just how much it affected more than just money.
The biggest thing I hope everyone takes away from my journal is karma is a patient gangster and God sees everything. You don’t get to treat people like shit and live a happy life. I know I’ve been through plenty to leave and make a life here again and I shouldn’t be the only one going through it. What you do to other people comes back to you 10 fold. I completely believe that. That’s why I try my very best to do right be people, whether they’re deserving of it or not.
I definitely get why women have glow ups once they split up with someone. You look at all the shit that person put your through and now that you are living life and you no longer have to put up with them, your whole mindset changes. I know I put up with way more than I should have and I will never do it again. I want someone that’s going to add to my peace, not take from it. When someone is bringing you more pain than happiness, it’s time to go. When you realize the sweet moments are rare but the abuse is LOUD as fuck everyday, it’s time to go. There is no way the person who’s disrupting your nervous system can be the love of your life.
All I know is I need at least 6 months. I need a reset. I just want to continue with my weight loss journey, getting my mind right and getting my bag up. I’m not going to make space for anyone that wants to disrupt my peace. My focus is on my daughter and myself. This comeback is very much personal and no one is going to take anything more from me. I like how my life is and I’m going to live it the way I want to without anyone’s negative feedback in my mind all the time.
I’m in the best place I think I’ve ever been. If all that wouldn’t have happened, I probably wouldn’t be down 46 pounds. I used to have regret leaving my apartment, leaving my hometown but if all that bad shit wouldn’t have happened, I wouldn’t be where I’m at now. I think it did have to happen for different reasons. Even thought I don’t think about it much, I’ll never forget either. We lost 80% of our belongings and I’m in debt now but I have my life back and I get to live it how I want to every day. I’m a much more patient and attentive Mom now and I can actually prioritize myself everyday.
One of the most powerful statements I’ve heard recently definitely applies to me and it’s, “I didn’t leave, I escaped” and I remember when I read that and it really made sense. I escaped a really toxic place and person. I’m so grateful I got out when I did and we left in one piece. It’s not easy leaving and I wish I wouldn’t have had to make that choice but it was the best thing I ever did.
You just don’t realize how precious your life is until you’re wishing you’d go to sleep and never wake up because you are in a living hell. I felt so stuck for quite a while until I realized I wasn’t stuck, I was just made to feel that way. Don’t ever let someone make you feel like that. If they do make you feel like that, it’s time to go. That isn’t love, that’s manipulation and control.
I appreciate all the people around me who are always cracking jokes and maintain a positive attitude, most of them have been through their own hard times and they also have a story to tell. Life really is all about mindset. If you think it, you become it. If you are around negative people that want to bring you down, they will.
There was a girl on Tik Tok just this morning talking about don’t hang out with people that don’t like you. I have definitely done that. I think my most recent ‘friend’ that babysit my kid truly didn’t like me and that’s why she talked to me the way she did. I thought maybe it’s because she was projecting or she could be low key jealous of me for different reasons but I realize now, it’s probably because she didn’t like me. I think it was also because she needed to feel like she was better than me.
This world is filled with a lot of really fucked up people and you don’t always see it until it’s too late and it’s completely changed the direction of your life. I do believe everything happens for a reason and you may not always realize it when you want to but at some point, it’ll all make sense as to why it had to happen. I know there’s a lot that I went through that I didn’t feel I deserved but I’m grateful for every bit of it. I’m so glad I went through what I did because all the bad days have made the good days that much more special.
I appreciate everyday that I wake up and I’m back home, in my own place. I’m safe, in my own bed. I truly appreciate life more than I did before. I know what it is to just survive and try to make it through the day. I wasn’t living, I was just existing. Life is just too fucking short to not live it the way you want to. My bestie that still lives there definitely reminds me all the time of why I’m glad I left. His life there sucks too and I told him as soon as he moves, he’s going to be in a much better place mentally. No one is going to thrive in a place where there’s no jobs and if you do get a job, you can’t make it on your own.
It’s definitely true when they say you gotta go through Hell to get to Heaven. I definitely did. I will say that the Hell my daughter and I went through was worth everyday that we have now. I ask my daughter sometimes if she’s happy and if she loves her life here and she does. It was hard at first sometimes but she’s adjusted well and so have I.
I love Whitney Houston and in one of her songs she says, “I’d rather be alone than unhappy” and man do I understand that completely. Just because you’re alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely. I’m happier now than I was with someone. Confusion fucks with your head. Abuse changes you. Being appreciate for the bare ass minimum is lying to yourself. At this point, there’s nothing a man can give me that I can’t give myself. Everyone around me that’s ever been in my life has shown me I’m better off by myself and on my own.
My daughter is awake and ate breakfast. I gotta get her in the shower pretty soon. She’s probably leaving after awhile. I have less than 3 hours and I have to be at work. I’m ready to get there and see what the day brings. I seriously have got to make some money tonight. I’m seriously sick of stressing about it. I need money to cover all of her birthday stuff and I’d like to get me some hair dye and Tide pods. I know there was some at my Mom’s but I’m sure those are long gone.
I’m just sitting on the couch, listening to music on Youtube getting the day going. I gotta do my makeup and get my daughter ready to roll. I’m really hoping I don’t hit that afternoon crash like I usually do. I didn’t sleep much so I know it could happen. I’m happy that I’m off tomorrow but I got a lot to do and I’m hoping for a good birthday for my daughter.
I never cared too much about my birthday. My parents could barely afford to bake a cake and I never really got presents. I was lucky to get a new pair of jeans sometimes. I do a store bought cake every year and as she’s gotten older, I let her pick it out. I got a marble cake with whipped frosting. I’m also terrible at telling her what her presents are. I suck at surprises. My daughter is such a great kid and I love how smart she is. Like she truly gets life and sometimes it’s a blessing and a curse.
I think back on how badly I wanted BD to be involved and over time, I realize how much peace my daughter and I both have that he’s not. It’s sad when a parent brings more chaos and disruption than wanting to just be a parent. They spend their kids childhood making life as hard for the custodial parent as they can and play the victim. Wild.
My daughter just got out of the bath and she was mentioning my friend and her husband talking shit about me. I guess she was dozing on the couch with her headphones in and they went downstairs in their other living room so she turned her headphones down and was listening. I just don’t understand why they couldn’t have talked about me when my child wasn’t there. It’s not like they had her 24/7 and there was plenty of time they could run their mouths without risking my daughter hearing it. I told her that wasn’t okay and this is why I’ve always been careful what I’ve ever said about anyone around her.
Like I said, if my friend thought I was that bad and she lowkey didn’t like me then why the fuck was she my friend?! I NEVER asked for anything and the day I was there and she OFFERED to fly us down to see my friends, I was on the phone with my friend down there and she overheard our conversation and was telling BOTH OF US how she would either fly him here or fly us there for FREE!
I remember when I was telling my other bestie about all this and she said how she could understand where she was coming from to a point. I don’t! This bitch is OFFERING shit left and fucking right! I didn’t ask her for anything nor was I dry begging. I didn’t expect anything from her. Not one time was I even thinking in my head that I was hoping she was going to offer us a fucking thing. I was good with her just watching my daughter so I could work and make my own money!
Never have I been the person to set out to use anyone and I honestly enjoy paying my own way for my daughter and myself. I am not one to ever expect any kind of help whether it’s money or someone flying us somewhere but when she said she could fly us for free, I didn’t think it was a huge deal because it wasn’t going to cost her anything and I was thinking I could get there and back for free and then just spend money while we were there. The money I earn from my job. I wouldn’t even have allowed her to fly us if it would have cost her any money at all. Needing help with a bill or a sitter is one thing but I would NEVER expect someone to spend a good chunk of money for me to do something fun.
I also don’t spend money unless it’s on tangible things are are going to last. I’d like to get my nails done but I’d rather buy a new ring or two because the ones I have are too big and I want something that’s going to last for more than a couple of weeks. I’ve lived one helluva life of poverty and being broke so I want stuff that I’m going to have for a long time. I know how expensive life is and I would never want someone to spend a lot of money on me, especially for a want and not a need. I’m a very practical person and I take money very seriously.
It’s just a huge mind fuck when someone is offering all kinds of shit and then as soon as you ask, they turn ice cold and mentally abusive. Just saying no would have been sufficient but no, she goes as far as telling me how her husband said no because it’s not fair that I spend their money on a vacation. Again, I didn’t stop being friends with her because I was told no, I stopped being friends with her because I noticed this pattern and clearly it wasn’t going to change. I just wonder how many times she’s done this to other people before THEY finally saw the pattern and decided they were sick of their emotions getting fucked with and cut her off.
I’m pissed that she had to talk about this IN FRONT OF MY FRIEND on Facetime and then decide not. She text that day saying how I don’t want to be her friend anymore because she said no and it’s like wait a minute, I thought it was YOUR HUSBAND that said no? It just makes me wonder how much of this she triangulated and he may not know a fucking thing but it was easier to make him the scapegoat. I think she’s played a serious game of fuck fuck with not only other people, me but her husband too.
Another thing, I wouldn’t have even told my friend I was coming until I knew 100 fucking percent I was gonna go. So not only did she get his hopes up, but mine and my daughter’s. I also got really sick of her telling me in front of my daughter that she was going to buy her Roblox gift cards and give her air pods and a new Iphone and a whole slew of things and then didn’t do it. It’s like okay could you not talk about it in front of her unless you’re literally handing her whatever you are offering?!
I remember when she’d do that shit and I’d just sit there like omfg and then later my daughter is asking me about all this shit my friend said she was going to give her and I didn’t sugar coat it. I straight up told her that her words didn’t meet her actions. I will not sit there and lie or make it seem like it’s no big deal. No, you don’t get to present all these different gifts to my child and then not deliver and then what the fuck do you expect me to tell her? I’m going to tell her the FUCKING TRUTH!
Yeah I could’ve been a different Mom and just told my daughter that she forgot or maybe she couldn’t afford it or something but nah, I’m going to be transparent as fuck.
When people offer you things that you didn’t ask for they create the illusion that you are using them. It’s definitely a power dynamic issue to keep you off balance and makes you constantly prove that you are a good friend and I did that by texting everyday and coming to her AA BBQ. I felt like I had to constantly prove myself as a friend and that’s why I was glad when our friendship ended because all of this shit was toxic.
It’s never a good thing when someone is offering you shit that you didn’t ask for and it’s even worse when they decide they aren’t going to do what they say because you were counting on them to a point and then they decide they aren’t going to do it. I remember feeling pretty excited to go see my friends and my daughter was so amped to go and then it went like it did. We honestly should be there right now but plans fell through because of a manipulative fucking bitch with serious projection issues.
This bitch didn’t just play a game with me, but with my daughter and my friend. I will believe for the rest of my life she is completely wrong for all this but it doesn’t matter. It was just so frustrating how she said she was going to do this, that, and the other thing, doesn’t fucking do any of it and yet, walks away as the victim. She definitely wanted a certain type of friendship with me than I wanted from her. I was completely content with her just watching my daughter so I could work, I didn’t need anything extra. I was just happy to have childcare so I could keep my fucking job.
Anyways, my co-worker/friend came and got the child and I’m leaving for work in a minute. I’ll try and write more later or tomorrow.
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