Work wasn’t super busy and I was able to leave 30 minutes early and I got home just in time to watch the fireworks with my daughter. I didn’t make much but spending the 4th with my daughter was more valuable. My co-worker that I’ve known for 20 years is coming to pick her up tomorrow and they’re going to the lake. I am super glad because I didn’t want her home by herself all day long because she’s already been home the last 2 nights and has been kinda bored. Expect the unexpected!!
I have since moved the couches and vacuumed under and around them. The floors have gotten kinda gross since my daughter’s home more. I have plenty of cleaning to do and needing to find homes for all the extra clothes and crap. I’m honestly getting overwhelmed because I was getting used to not having as much stuff and I don’t want my house to be cluttered. The laundry is pretty much dry from earlier so I got some of it put away.
I’m not excited to work all day tomorrow because if it’s not busy, I will literally start crying. I am so fucking sick of not making nearly enough money so it would be nice to have even one decent day. I still have to get all my daughter’s birthday stuff and I’d like to buy myself some hair dye because my roots are showing big time and it’s making me feel some type of way.
I just want to know how the fuck they expect people to stay when we seriously aren’t making it. My boss brought hot dogs, gatorade, chips and dip and cookies because that’s cheaper than giving raises. Like annoying as fuck.
It is nice that my work friend is going to come get my daughter tomorrow so she can get out some. She’s been home kind of a lot lately and I’m relieved that she won’t be home alone all day tomorrow. I have been really stressed about it and I was so glad work was dead tonight so I got to leave early. No one understands how much this shit weighs on me. I do wish I had more of a village and that people could be consistent where it’s not conditional.
My daughter has it pretty good but I always wonder if I could have given her better. I know that she’s definitely had it better than I did as a kid but I do hope to find good people for us. She’s been through so much and deserves people who truly love her. I’m angry that people have only ever wanted to see her for their own gain, to control me, or just not be good for her. It makes me very sad that she didn’t ask to be born and she’s not been treated super great. Hell, she didn’t even know who my Mom was until she was 3. I never realized just how much people can suck until I had a baby. It really puts everything in perspective and you definitely think about everything on a much deeper level.
I’m hoping to sleep in a little in the morning and then I gotta make breakfast and make sure my daughter has her towel, swimsuit, phone, house key, and a change of clothes. I’m just so thankful that she gets to go do something fun tomorrow.
I’ve only ever known love with conditions and I never wanted that for her. She’s the only person I’ve ever had in my life that’s loved me unconditionally and has given me so much to live for. I’m so blessed to be her Mom and there’s no greater feeling. Without her, I don’t know if I would have made it this far. Everything I do is so she has what she needs and so that she’s happy and safe. I love her with every beat of my heart and I love her more than she’ll ever know.
It’s been a good holiday, better than I expected it to go. I told her earlier that there’s not enough people tonight and I may have to stay late but I’m rushing to get back home. I’m glad it was so dead and I was able to go when I did. Life is a constant race between time and money. I may struggle mentally, physically, and financially but I know who I’m doing it for. I’m glad my daughter has at least me. I may not be perfect by any means but I do know that I’m different than how I was raised and she definitely has a better chance at life than what I got.
Anyways, I gotta get my make up off and go to bed. I have a long ass day ahead of me tomorrow. If it’s not busy, I’m going to become a crabby ass bitch I already know. I doubt I’ll make much until dinner time and then if I have to stay late, I’m really going to get upset. She said I could come in Monday night but yeah, I can’t. That’s when we’re doing birthday party. I may see if it’s busy and go in for a little bit Tuesday night.
More tomorrow if I have time.
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