I woke up this morning hot and with a bad headache. I’m hoping a shower is going to help. I’m going to cook breakfast first and get that done though. We’re supposed to go to a free lunch thing but we’ll see if daughter and I are both up and ready by the time we have to be there. My one friend is out of town so she can’t go and my other friend can hopefully get off in time.
Work wasn’t great last night but I made $74. It’s a good start to my car payment. I did the mobile deposit for my paycheck but who knows when it’ll actually show up in my account because of the stupid holiday.
I feel really guilty that I have to work tonight. Everyone has requested it off and there’s going to be like 4 of us so I’ll probably be late getting home. I just feel guilty that my daughter is home by herself a lot. This makes me feel like a terrible Mom. I just wish everyone could have acted right because she gets pretty bored. She does have TV, Netflix, Hulu, Disney and plenty of books, toys and other things but it just sucks because we don’t have enough kids to come hang out. She has a friend that comes over sometimes and the parents know they’re here by themselves. I don’t know how cool other parents would be with that.
My guilt is eating me up. I’m just going to hope I get off when I’m supposed to and that it’s plenty busy because I have to make the rest of my car payment and buy her cake, plates, napkins, and 2 different kinds of ice cream. I’ll also need cat food and other things. I have my inspection in a few days so I gotta start working on organizing everything too. I came home last night and cleared off the kitchen table and swept the floor.
I have since showered and got the daughter a bath. We’re getting ready to go here in less than an hour. She’s had breakfast and ready to go about the day. It absolutely sucks that I work later but I gotta make money. I’m of course still waiting for my check to hit my account. Rent is due tomorrow but my money isn’t there yet.
Sometimes it’s really hard to talk to my friend from where I came from. I watch him on 360 and I’ll blow up the picture and I know right where he’s at. I remember all those roads. I have told him how sorry I am that I’m gone and I know he needs me sometimes and I’m not there. I’m over 1,000 miles away. If I wouldn’t have met him, I would have no reason to ever think about that place again. It’s just crazy how detached I am from all of it though. I would have never guessed I’d be in such a good place with all of this.
My best friend called the other day and I told her how I give a lot of credit to my BD because having a POS for a baby daddy really does shape you and it’s very much character building. I’m able to bounce back so much faster and easier from people and things than I ever did before. I used to stay hung up on people for a long ass time and talk about them in every single conversation and now, I can talk to people at least 10 times without mentioning certain things and even if I do, it’s in passing. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that a lot of people around me wanted to feed off my pain and have something to talk about and that’s why I’m not extremely open anymore.
I wish I could sit here and say shit doesn’t bother me because every once in a while, it does. I’m not totally heartless but I’ve gotten a lot better at just living my life and focusing on the positive. My life was miserable for so long and I try not to think about those times. I like where my life is and what I’m doing. I think I needed to go through what I did because my attitude towards life is way different.
Honestly, there’s still certain songs I don’t listen to and clothes hanging in my closet that I just don’t wear. I just want to avoid certain emotions because it’ll disrupt my state of mind. I’m not totally healed yet but I’m in a way better place than I ever expected. Once I got home, life just took off and was just so busy all the time. I’m glad that it’s calmed down a lot but now, my focus is just to have good, safe people for my daughter and myself. I ain’t gonna have shit people around just to avoid loneliness. I think my daughter really does understand things.
When I was young, I spent a lot of time chasing the wrong things and the wrong people. I let my loneliness consume me to the point where I didn’t know what was healthy or even who I was. I ran back to terrible people just because I hated being by myself. Now, I realize that’s not the answer. The right people will come at the right time. I am not about rushing anything. Being alone is way better than being around people that don’t give a fuck about you anyways.
It does bother me that I live in a place with so many rules. I completely understand why they’ve implemented the rules they have but I don’t feel everyone should have to be lumped into the same category. I can’t have firearms, I can’t drink here, I have monthly inspections, no one can have keys to your place, you can only do laundry at certain times of the day, I mean there’s a lot of shit.
I am a good person and I just get frustrated to never hear anything positive about myself. I’ve worked so hard to get to where I’m at and it’s like it doesn’t mean anything. My friend used to make me feel like I was just this lazy, worthless person when I know damn well I’m not. Why be friends with someone if you feel that way about them? My guess is because it makes you feel better about yourself.
I’ve been a Mom everyday for almost 9 years. I don’t drink, do drugs or gamble. I have a nice car that I work my ass for. I’m as straight laced as they come and I don’t feel that I have EVER deserved to be treated like I have by everyone around me. I can’t do anything right. I don’t have anyone’s approval for anything. I’m sick of feeling like I’m just this worthless sack of shit when I’ve done the absolute best I can with the hand I’ve been dealt!
It pisses me off that I’ve caught more hell being a single Mom than he’s ever caught for being a deadbeat Dad. I’ve faced life head on with every single problem on my own while he’s done whatever the fuck he wanted.
I’m going to finish getting ready to go. I’ll write more when we get back.
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