I should have worked last night. I definitely would have made more than I did working daytime on Monday. I may change my schedule back. I just don’t know.
We played with her toys and fidgets last night and I talked to my friend. I got 10 hours of sleep and finally pooped. It was a big painful, it wouldn’t come out and I definitely had some blood with it.
I have made breakfast and took a shower. We’re going to run and grab tape and a couple of other things. I gotta clean out the cat box and pick up the house. I gotta figure out where I’m going to put all the shit that came from her house. I’m starting to get overwhelmed and I work later.
Hopefully I can make a decent amount over the weekend. I have to pay our phone bills, pay on a credit card and of course, buy gas. I’m just so over life being so expensive. I have been putting in applications because I know it’s time for a change. I’m not big on a new job and new people but I can’t keep living like this either.
My friend is going to be starting a job there hopefully. He’s done his background check and signed the contract but I’m not getting too excited until he’s actually there on the clock. That place is a huge game and I don’t trust anything until it’s actually happening.
I’m still pretty angry from the events of yesterday but I’m trying to just have a good day today. I slept 10 hours and I’m still tired. Also stressing about being constipated.
It’s annoying that I’m up 2 pounds but some of that could be poop too. I went and then checked and I was down a pound.
Earlier I was thinking about the money I’ve spent replacing stuff and paying bills that other people have caused. I wonder how much money I would have if I’d have just stayed the fuck away from people. It’s really annoying that anytime I’ve left stuff at someone’s house, I play Hell getting it back. That’s why I’ve just gotten the point where I don’t always say anything and just spend the money to replace it.
It’s like when my friend brought birthday gifts that she bought my kid. She could have just kept them. I wanted the Cirkul bottle I PAID for and the walkie talkies I had just bought that my kid played with for 1 night that was $20! I could have cared less to get anything she bought, I just wanted the stuff that I spent money for. I had even text her back that night asking for the stuff I bought and she never responded so I’ll just buy more. I love spending money on the same items over and over again, it’s my favorite past time.
I had also wanted my daughter’s brand new pink wet brush but it was no big shock that it wasn’t included in our stuff. I also had some Tide pods there too. It’s funny how she decided to pick and choose what she was going to give back. I wouldn’t want the hair brush anyway because guaranteed her and my little brother have been using it and it’s gross and stinks because neither of them shower and I also don’t want personal items that other people have used.
At least I got the majority of it back and I’m going to make sure nothing like this happens again where our stuff is left anywhere. It’s exhausting trying to get it all back. It’s also exhausting going to work to bust my ass for money to replace it as well. No one cares that I’m a single Mom and I earn every single dollar I get. Everyone knows I don’t get CS so they aren’t just taking from me, they are taking from my child but that’s irrelevant.
It’s also funny how much mind control people want to have over you. They LOVE when they can taunt you with material things until you just go away because then the control goes away. It’s also funny how no one wanted to watch my kid but liked the control they had when they did. It’s almost hilarious when they realize YOU don’t care anymore. It’s like they spiral! Um, I’ve dealt with people not giving a fuck but can’t handle it once it’s my turn?! That makes sense.
Again, it’s not about helping you or even caring, it’s about control. I think with most people, it’s about abuse and control. I don’t believe anyone truly cares for you or even loves you. I think they associate loving you with controlling you. They want to love you as long as you are letting them control you.
There was a girl on TT the other day talking about absent Dad’s and how you shouldn’t tell your kid how their Dad loves them “in their own way” because then they grow up and associate absence with love because that’s what they grew up with. I completely agree. I remember when my daughter was a toddler and she’d ask to see her Dad and I’d say, “we’ll see” and then I realized I was just creating a false reality for her. I’ve definitely become a lot more transparent about him. She asked me one night on the way home from my friends house about him and why did he abandon her. I said, “he didn’t abandon you, he just doesn’t do what he needs to do” and that was me doing my best to re-direct and I don’t want her to ever feel that he abandoned her because That also creates wounds.
We know the truth and that is yes he did abandon her and is probably never going to be a Dad. I just don’t know how to say all this without it creating hurt and more wounds. I just wish it would change for her benefit but it won’t. He’s determined to be what he is and there’s nothing I can do about it. It is sad that his child isn’t enough for him to want to do the right thing.
There’s a lot of situations that I wish would have turned out different. I just want to get along with everyone but their idea of getting along with me differs massively from mine and I’m not going to be abused to have a relationship with anyone. I would love to be able to stay in touch with a lot of people but as I’ve gotten older and been through enough shit, I’m not going to have the kind of relationship with them that they want to have with me where I just sit and take their abuse.
I’m happier by myself and that’s probably not going to change. I’m not going to stay in touch with anyone who wants to blame me for everything regardless of what they did and just say nasty things to me that tear me down for days. I don’t need it. I’m not going to have that in my life anymore. I know that I do get lonely and wish I had more people to talk to and hang out with but I’m not going to chase people who are abusive that I know aren’t good for me either.
My peace is the most important thing to me. I like not having anyone disrupt that. I’m happy to just do my own thing and find myself again. It’s taken a lot of negative, buckets of tears and a lot of anger to realize that I’m truly okay by myself. I save a lot of money, time, effort, and drama just doing my own thing. It’s sad that no matter what kind of relationship you have with someone, it’s probably going to end badly so I’m going to just enjoy being on my own and not having ties with anyone but my child.
I have let people shit talk me, disrespect me and be ugly long enough and it’s nice that I can go a whole day and not deal with it! I spent months by myself now and I’ve been back for 5 months today. I’m happier than I expected I’d be and I got what I wanted and more. I didn’t think I would lose 45 pounds and it happened. I am still in shock that I’m down 3 pant sizes and I’m not done. I have another 20 to go until I feel like I’m right where I want to be but I know I’d be happy to lose even more than that.
We’re going to the store soon. We’re dressed and I got my makeup on. I’m sad that my days off are over. My daughter was home Friday, Saturday, and Sunday last week and then this week she didn’t have her thing yesterday or today and then we have the weekend. I’m always so glad when the holidays are over. I just hate how it fucks up our schedule. It’s nice having her home but she definitely likes being out with kids her own age having fun too.
I think what I really want from being alone is to learn how to set and maintain boundaries so that I can have healthier relationships with people. I am not going to shrink myself down anymore to keep anyone around. I want to heal to the point where I know exactly who I am and what I’m willing to tolerate. I know that I have a LOT to work on and I want to put in that work so that relationships aren’t what they’ve been before. I’m going to teach people how to treat me and make it clear that I’m not going to tolerate certain things.
There’s a lot of trauma in my brain and I want to make sense of it before having friendships or relationships. I realize that a lot of what went wrong is my fault and I need to figure out exactly what I did to make things end up like they did so it doesn’t happen again. I’ve always been the person to just keep my mouth shut and let people talk to me and treat me how they wanted and I won’t do that again. The next time someone says something to me about how I don’t work or I don’t do enough, I need to say something right then, not go home and stew on it.
Whether my friend was ‘helping’ me or not, I took a lot of shit off her that I should have shut down right away. It’s seriously dumb to have your friend say something that’s untrue, that makes you upset and instead of saying something, you just go home, lose sleep over it and just be mad. Um, no. Whether there would have been consequences or not, it was definitely time to make it known that I wasn’t going to be talked to like that anymore. Anytime she called me during the day, I was busy. There was NEVER a fucking time that I was sleeping or even laying down.
I think people definitely make up their own minds about you regardless of the truth. If they want to believe you are lazy, you don’t work, you don’t do enough there’s no changing their minds. I think she definitely had her opinion of me and that wasn’t going to change. I just wish I wouldn’t have been in a situation where I had to deal with her in the first fucking place. I look back now and wonder why the fuck I just let this bitch talk shit to me? Why did I feel I had to just take it?!
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If I could change anything about my life, it would be never needing help. When you need help, people are definitely going to take advantage to the fullest extent. I think being a single Mom puts you in a really vulnerable position and not one you ever want to be in. I’m angry that I’ve been left in this situation for 9 years now. It’s like with CS. It’s not just about the money. It’s about the fact that I’ve dealt with everything head on by myself every single day of my child’s life while he’s busy making sure everyone believes he’s the victim. Does he ever think that I feel that way?
I’m so angry that I’ve been left to figure everything out by myself for not only me, but for a child. I’ve done it all on my own and there’s no amount of money that would ever pay it all back. I poured everything I am and everything I have into my child and I didn’t have a village, I was the village. I still struggle with the realization that I’m completely on my own and I was even when I had a partner. People want to believe that they help but most of the time, they’re just making your situation way harder.
It’s like yeah, I’m appreciative of the help I received from my Mom and my friend but it was all at my mental expense. I will spend years making sense of why I was treated like that and why I felt it was necessary to have allowed it. I have spent a lot of time in my anger but I need to spend time trying to figure out why it all happened. What did it teach me? Other than it’s best to never need help and keep your distance from people.
I still marvel at how someone can get your pregnant, abandon you and then 8 years later scream Father’s rights. Um where were you when I paid for everything by myself? Where were you when she was teething or going through terrible 2’s? Where were you if I EVER needed a babysitter? You weren’t screaming then! Again, people just decide that YOU fucked them over and there’s NOTHING you would ever say that’s going to change that. They have to be the victim because that’s why easier.
We all have a sad story and we’ve all been through shit that makes us the way we are. I know that I see life a lot differently now and I am going to do everything within my power to never need anyone again or ever be in a spot where I’m giving more than I’m getting. There’s more victims in the world then anyone standing up and admitting fault to anything. We all have people in our lives that we should have walked away from and never spoke to again.
I don’t believe in second chances. You are what you show me. I don’t give the benefit of the doubt anymore. If you are a garbage person, you are a garbage person. No one is bad all the time but if the bad is more frequent and worse than the good, that’s what I’m going to focus on. There’s plenty of people in my life that should have never gotten the chance to hurt me more than once.
It’s like with my BD. I wish everyone would have just stayed out of it and let me handle it the way I wanted to. If the contact would have fucking stopped, we would have gone to court way sooner and then he would have known to just shut the fuck up and go get his life together. Everyone gave him way too much fucking air time and all he did was keep abusing me through other people. It was NEVER about his child. It was about hurting me, ruining my day and disrupting my peace. Not only did everyone allow it, but they didn’t care how the shit affected me on the daily.
It’s NEVER a good idea for your friend and family to be in your fucking business. Don’t ever ask other people to advocate for you. If someone is crazy, you need to let them go be that and torture someone else. I took the wrath of his crazy for years and that didn’t seem to resonate with anyone around me. Either everyone kept feeding into it because they truly hoped at some point he would care about being a Dad or because it was exciting listening to him shoot his mouth off. Either way, they should have stayed out of it. I remember one time my brother had been messaging him about CS and BD straight up said he wasn’t going to talk about it and I said okay well why don’t you set boundaries and tell him you aren’t going to have a conversation unless it’s about our child. Nothing else.
Why the fuck does EVERYONE else get to have boundaries except the ones that actually do? We all sat there and listened to the mindless dribble and chronic abuse from the guy instead of just letting him be the Dad he wants to be. I spent years angry and a lot of the reason is because everyone wouldn’t just leave him alone! Looking back, I believe I would have moved on a lot faster from all of it had I not been constantly sent screenshots of the hate he spewed out. Everyone helped him keep me down and that’s something I will never forgive.
I’ve put up with way more than I should have ever allowed and now, I just want to be left the fuck alone. I have more than enough to worry about everyday and none of it has to do with drama. I care about getting a better job, getting a better place to live and losing weight. I don’t want to be held down by drama and chaos. I was in that spot long enough. There’s more to life than worrying about what other people are saying about you. Those people aren’t paying my fucking bills so I don’t give a fuck what they think.
I can say I will never take shit off anyone ever again. I know the next time someone talks shit about me not having a job or how I don’t do anything, I’m going to blow the fuck up. I am so sick of hearing shit, especially when it’s not true that I could fucking puke. If I don’t work, how the fuck am I paying my bills?!
My friend used to really enjoy interrogating me. She’d ask the same questions a thousand times and hope for a different response. She never got one because I’m an honest person. I just wonder how the fuck she wanted to be friends with me if she felt I was always lying about shit? I wouldn’t be friends with someone who I thought was constantly lying. I remember one time her saying how my story didn’t make sense and it’s like okay is that because you don’t want it to? There’s a big difference.
It’s almost like she NEEDED to feel that I was broke as fuck or she wasn’t going to help me in any kind of way. She was upset one time because my kid asked me for Robux in front of her and she was asking me how I can afford that. It’s $1! I can’t afford $25-$50 each time but she felt that I was spending that any time she asked. Nope, I can even show you in my bank account what’s being spent! Not like it’s your business either! She also sat there and said if she needs Robux for us to just ask her and she didn’t pay for it anyway! Like WTF!
I think she offered stuff on purpose so that we were cooperative waiting for shit that was never going to happen. I think she’s pulled this shit on plenty of people and they didn’t quit talking to her because she told them no, but because she’d offered things a thousand times and then didn’t do it and people finally got fed up and cut contact. How fucking long do people think they’re going to pull this shit and get away with it?! I was promised gift cards, a dash cam, a Cirkul bottle, a shopping spree at Maurice’s and she had offered to pay off my credit cards and co-sign my car. Did any of it happen? Fuck no. And again, I never asked, she offered!
It all comes down to control. People want to control you with money or material things. No one is going to do anything without getting something in return and a lot of time it’s control. As long as they have you believing they’re going to give you money or material things, they hold a position of power. I think it’s just a really sick game and you’re better off just going without. If you have to act a certain way or make someone feel you are nothing without them, you’re fucking with the wrong people. I’d rather be broke and not be controlled!
I also love how she’d offer stuff and then as soon as I’d ask about it, her husband was the excuse. I also love how she couldn’t handle being called out. It’s like once she offered it, you weren’t supposed to say anything else. I remember when she’d ordered all that shit and then about a week later I’d mentioned it and she told me they were going to have a rummage sale. Okay well did you forget all shit you said you were going to give my daughter and myself? Apparently. I truly believe that she thrived off the game she was playing. I think she got off on it.
Never again. I will never, ever again put up with anyone like this. I don’t give a fuck how much money you have. You aren’t better than anyone because you have money. Just keep it all and don’t offer to help anyone and then you don’t run the risk of getting ‘used’. I got so fucking sick of hearing her talk about getting used but yet, doesn’t mention all the fucking times she’d offered money and help to people. That’s not getting used. That’s YOU putting yourself in a position of power and then getting pissed when people figure it out and quit fucking with you!
When I asked if she was going to fly us to see my friends and she was telling me how her husband didn’t say anything I was going to like and he said I shouldn’t get to spend their money to go on vacation. Um, could have just told me he said no and not add insult to injury and she should have discussed it with him FIRST before offering it maybe?! I think she truly enjoyed making me feel like shit. I think she offered stuff so could make ME FEEL like I was using her. I think she really loved making me feel some type of way. Well no amount of money or help will ever make me want to be friends with her again.
I was honestly getting fucked over left and right with a little bit of help in between. Just enough to keep me around. I’d rather people not offer to help at all and not have a game mixed in. She played a lot of mind games and I will never be friends with someone like that again. How do you offer for someone to take your SUV to pick up their stuff and then turn around and say your husband said no. Okay well again, should have discussed it with him before offering it.
I hate people. I hate them all. I lost lost my faith in humanity and I will never play into someone’s games for any reason. Too much manipulation, lies, coercive control, shit blaming and stress. I don’t like the way people have made me feel and that’s why I’m good to rock alone. I’ve seriously had enough.
It’s going to be hot but rainy today. I’d like to wear jeans but then I’ll be overheated and then wearing shorts I’m going to be soaked and freezing. I’m seriously so sick of the fucking rain all the time.
Sometimes I wish that I wouldn’t have came back here. I did miss this area and I like that everything’s familiar but I definitely didn’t miss dealing with these fucking people. They have all helped me make the decision to get my bag up and plan to leave again. Once I leave, I’m never coming back. I’m also going to change my last name, phone number, and just completely fall off grid. I have no use for these people and I will never forget what went on after dealing with the worst chapter of my life.
I get why a lot of women choose to stay. Leaving sometimes can be even worse, at least for awhile. People care until they don’t. I am glad that I got what help I needed but mentally it was so far from worth it. I don’t trust anyone anymore. Even when people tell me shit’s good, but is it though? It’s good until they decide it’s not and then you’re somehow the problem. Even though they changed their mind. Okay.
It’s truly awesome that I don’t need a sitter anymore. I’m honestly grateful everyday. I actually feel rested when I wake up in the morning. I used to worry even on my days off that I won’t have a sitter the next time I work because even though I haven’t been around anyone on my day’s off that somehow they decided they were mad at me and weren’t going to watch my kid. I lived in that constant fear for months and now I don’t have to. I was also sick of texting her and would absolutely panic if she took too long to answer because it made me feel like she was mad at me for whatever reason.
I don’t think either my Mom or my friend even realized the stress I felt needing them. I never was able to relax. I worried all the time about them getting mad and then I won’t be able to go to work. I don’t think either of them cared about my child but they both cared about the control they had over me. I will never forget that. I still think about how I asked both of them if shit’s good, if I needed to change my work schedule and they both reassured me everything was fine. Well, it was until they decided it wasn’t and then I was the problem. Even though I was the one that communicated effectively the entire time and they didn’t, neither could handle being in the wrong so unfortunately I had to make other arrangements, I love when other people fuck up and it doesn’t hurt them at all but it does hurt my daughter and myself and yet, they still get to be the fucking victim.
But yeah, in that moment everything’s fine but that can change in an instant but you are in the wrong. Honestly, I was because I should have NEVER relied on either one of them. I take 100% blame in things going wrong with my Mom and my friend because I knew better. It sucks to be in a bad spot and rely on people that have already shown you what to expect. It sucks when you go from one Hell to another unintentionally because you truly hoped for better. I didn’t want either situation to go how it did but I didn’t make that choice, they did.
I don’t trust anybody’s word and I never will. I don’t like the games that was played on me and essentially my child. I will never get over the way she was treated and it will stay with me for the rest of my life. My daughter is definitely learning about human nature and she knows what’s okay and what isn’t. She even told me that as soon as I’d leave, my friend would go to bed and would come back to the living room as soon as she knew I was on my way. I don’t appreciate someone making me feel like they are interacting with my child when they weren’t. I also don’t appreciate reprimanding her son when I was present but not when I wasn’t. There’s a lot of different games of manipulation she played and I’m grateful that my daughter is no longer around it.
My daughter and I were talking about all this the other day and I told her how I don’t care how I was treated but I do care how she was. She didn’t deserve any of this and it’s nice that she doesn’t have to deal with it anymore.
I was watching a video the other day about how sheltering your kids is abuse. I completely agree. If you don’t let them have experiences, you aren’t letting them figure out what’s good and what’s bad. My daughter still goes to her program and goes to school. I’m talking about the people who homeschool their kids. I don’t agree with that whatsoever. I think a lot of the time people who homeschool are hiding something. I don’t see how kids benefit from it at all because they need more than just their house and the people who live in it. School teaches them more than just their ABC’s. I like that my daughter has little jobs like wiping down lunch tables and helping other kids. It shows them how to mind other adults and pick up on social cues. There’s so many different events through school as well. I could never imagine my daughter missing out on that shit.
My little brother is the epitome of sheltered. He also has been coddled his entire life and has never had to deal with any type of accountability and that’s why he’s fucked up. He’s the reason why I don’t agree with homeschooling. He didn’t get a childhood because of his Dad and I’m still very angry about it. My best friend and I have talked about this a thousand times. Even though he has behavioral issues, there’s special schools and classrooms for kids like that. My daughter had a lot of anger issues in Kindergarten and she still went everyday. I don’t believe in keeping your kids from accountability and wiping their ass because you can’t forever.
I know my family is fucked up and that’s why I’ve never had a whole lot to do with them. They the people that make you realize how much better off you are without them. They aren’t going to change and neither is their situation. I’m not going to give in anymore. It’s really gross that they still choose to have an animal that isn’t potty trained and they can’t even blame anyone but themselves now. I grew up dealing with animals that shit and pissed everywhere and dealing with so many different nasty smells and I can’t deal with it anymore. I remember my Grandma quit coming inside our houses and probably hadn’t stepped inside for 30 years by the time she died. They are just gross, filthy people.
It’s just sad that people choose to live that way but that’s their choice and that’s fine but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be around it and neither is my child. I can’t stand anyone who thinks people should come over and smell BO and look over and see piles of dog shit laying around. Don’t you have any fucking pride at all? I’m poor too but my house is clean and smells good. I believe in buying cleaning products, even from the dollar store. I buy toilet paper and paper towels in bulk.
I’m angry that I grew up not being allowed boundaries and being made to feel like it was my job to help them, even if it meant hurting myself. As you get older, you realize you can’t save people. If they aren’t willing to change themselves, that’s their problem. I’ve done too much and that’s why I’m now in debt. If I wouldn’t have given my parents thousands of dollars when I was in my 20’s, maybe I would have been able to buy a house or do rent to own on a trailer or something. They definitely had a pattern where I wouldn’t hear from them for an extended amount of time and then they’d start coming around, borrowing a little bit of money here and there and then every time I’d hear from them, I was having to give them money and once I said no, they’d be no contact again. They never even mentioned borrowing huge chunks of money and maybe even paying back $20 sometimes but just pissed that I cut it off.
I lost plenty of money and I wasn’t going to keep doing it. It was NEVER my job to save them and they didn’t care what you did until you stopped. They still don’t know how to be around anyone without dry begging. I hated when they’d come over to my apartment because it meant I was going to be forking out money. That’s all I was. A free bank. A fucking cash cow.
If people can’t act right and own up to their shit, I don’t want to be around them. I don’t give a fuck if it is family. I’ve always been treated like a pile of shit but my money wasn’t. They emptied my bank account more times then I’d like to admit and now, I just feel the only way I can avoid getting fucked over is to just stay away from people. The only person I should be doing anything for is my child.
I remember when I had the CS modified 3 years ago and I was on the phone with my Mom where my Dad asked about a 100 times what the new amount was going to be. Okay first of all that is none of your fucking business and second of all it’s for MY CHILD! I don’t owe you a fucking thing! By the way, it’s not like I get any of it anyway! It’s just crazy how fucking nosey people can be. I feel like unless people are willingly giving you information, it’s impolite to ask. I don’t care if it’s family or not. I’ve known my best friend for 24 years and still don’t ask certain questions because I feel if she wants me to know, she’ll tell me.
Again, boundaries. My Dad has always acted like because we are younger that he still sees us as babies so we shouldn’t have any right to say no, or it’s none of your business or please call or text before showing up to my place. I am so glad I have nothing to do with him and I hope he never tries to bother me again.
It’s also funny how my little brother can go over to his place and hang out all day long but can’t spend the night because it’s a rough area. Um. My Mom just sits there and lets herself get manipulated. I’d tell him oh well, you’re getting the fuck out! You ain’t just gonna bomb in on me forever! I did my job, I raised my kids and I’d like to have an empty nest now! Why the fuck would you let your grown child tell you how shit’s going to be?! Uh no, that’s not how it works. It’s funny how she pays his bills, buys all the groceries, completely takes care of him and has made him just as comfortable as you can but then tells me and my older brother she wants him out. She’s either lying to us or lying to herself.
I have to leave for work in less than 2 hours. I’m not excited because I probably won’t make shit and it’s going to rain on me. But I have today, tomorrow, and all day Sunday. My daughter has snacks and plenty to do.
My older brother has always been really big on limiting his time with everyone. He has a 20 minute rule. If you come over to his house, you have 20 minutes and even that’s too long. He doesn’t really hang out with people and doesn’t allow anyone to even spend the night. He also hates children and doesn’t like any kids to come over and hang out with my niece unless he has to. I think it’s really good to only deal with people in small doses. My best friend is like that. She’s an introvert like me and definitely understands where I’m coming from with not really having friends and how I don’t really put myself out there.
I’m praying I’m going to make enough money to cover my daughter’s cake and birthday stuff. I also need a new vape. Hopefully it’s a good night. I’m dreading it but hopefully it’s busy and the time goes fast.
Life is just so crazy and a lot of it has to do with the people around you. I definitely get why so many people choose to live alone and just find their own interests. I have really enjoyed getting to know myself again and being able to prioritize myself more. It’s nice to shower every day, wear clean clothes, brush my teeth and even do my whitening strips. I like just looking after my daughter and myself.
I still feel grateful for absolutely everything though. I like feeling like I can relax a little bit now. I still have stress but it’s a more manageable amount now. I’m not constantly arguing with anyone in my head or defending my job choice. I pay bills like I should and can even budget. I’m not constantly drained and worrying about someone in a bad mood and taking it out on me. I can raise my daughter without negative input and constantly hearing, “what kind of Mother are you” and how I’m ‘abusing’ my daughter because I’m not planning an activity every minute of the day.
Again, people see EVERYTHING the way they want to. There’s nothing you can say or do that’s going to change their minds. Once they decide how shit is, that’s just how it is. I don’t have to worry about my daughter hearing and seeing shit that she shouldn’t. I don’t have anyone screaming at me or calling me names or making threats in front of her. I like being able to buy shit like socks and underwear. There’s a lot of good things in my life now and I don’t ever take it for granted.
I went through a lot and so did my daughter. That definitely wasn’t taken into consideration with my Mom or my friend. It’s like people want to hurt you further and give you more to be upset about. It doesn’t matter what they did to me, all that matters is what they interpret what I did to them. I think people loop situations until they decide they were right in their actions. I don’t think people ever stop and think what they did to you or even why, but they need to feel they were right in whatever they’ve done. That’s not self reflection, that’s justifying lack of accountability.
Over the past 5 months, I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on my actions whether they were right or not. I can say that I wasn’t always right and I definitely could have handled a lot of shit better than I did. I can say that I’m not a saint nor have I ever tried to be one. I can admit when I’ve mishandled a situation and apologize. I may not realize right away that I was in the wrong, but as soon as I do, I’m ready to have that conversation whether it’s uncomfortable or not. I’ve become a lot better person over time and it’s like it doesn’t even matter.
I’ve definitely tried to treat people the way I’ve wanted them to treat me and I just end up in a bad spot for it. Again, that’s why I wanna take my time to figure out the mistakes I’ve made and how to correct them so I don’t make the same ones later on. I have become a lot better person. Back when, I had no problem giving people the dressing down they deserved and telling them exactly what I thought of them. I have way too much self control now and it pisses me off.
I’m about ready for work. Just gotta put on my shoes and socks. My friend called and he’s fighting with his man. I had to talk him into not losing his shit.
I just don’t think you’re grown until you can communicate effectively, admit that you were wrong and apologize. I’m really sick of dealing with people that would rather lose me than fix it all in one conversation. I’m a really easy person to talk to and am quite understanding but after enough shit happens and no one wants to even try and talk it out, might as well leave it broken and keep going. I also don’t believe in fixing shit I didn’t break. I’ve always been the one to repair situations when I wasn’t in the wrong and end up apologizing when it wasn’t my place. I won’t do that anymore.
I’m okay with losing people that shouldn’t have gotten another chance anyways. You can’t change someone’s mindset and if they’re going to be garbage people, they can be that elsewhere. I’ve been through enough. I’m also tired of dealing with people that absolutely fucked me over and work very hard to make me feel like I’m the problem. I won’t deal with that anymore. People know exactly what they’re doing. You can be blind if you want to. I don’t think people always intentionally mean to hurt or fuck you over but when they refuse accountability for it, I don’t have anything more to say to you.
It’s like if someone manipulates you, hurts you, fucks you over they only focus on what they did to ‘help’ you. The bad stuff is supposed to be swept under the rug. The bad they did shouldn’t matter because they did good too. No, whatever the good was doesn’t matter to me when I had to sacrifice my mental health for it and being in contact with you was costing me my peace. If someone is just helping you so they can throw it in your face later, it was exactly help. It was help at your emotional expense. If being in contact with certain people just adds stress to your life, cut them out.
I remember one day getting super pissed at my Mom because I’ve made it clear there is no vaping in my apartment. There’s cameras everywhere. What does she do? She takes a big rip off her vape as we entered the hallway. Thank God they didn’t catch it and if they did, no one ever said anything but why when I tell you not to do something, not only do you do that but do it where cameras can catch it? It’s like she seriously doesn’t hear a fucking word I say about anything. It’s like a thousand times me telling her I don’t want my daughter around my little brother and she still wanted to go to work and leave my kid with him unsupervised when I never wanted her around him at all? Like are you trying to set it up for something bad to happen or what?
Again, there’s been no justice for what he did to that dog and you want me to not only trust him but where he’d be alone with her? Are you stupid or fucking stupid? She just doesn’t see this shit the way she should. We’ve all tried to explain how we feel about him and she still does what she can to push the boundaries. It’s like people that go to prison forever for killing someone’s family member. It doesn’t change the fact that their person is gone and even if he did something to her, whether he got in trouble or not, my daughter would carry those wounds for the rest of her life. I’m not willing to risk anything happening to her, even because someone is a fucking idiot and doesn’t take concerns seriously.
I can’t handle being dismissed or ignored when it comes to my child. I refuse to go along with whatever because people don’t want to hear me. I don’t care if my Mom has memory issues or she just doesn’t care but I do. My main job is to keep my daughter safe. I’m not going to have her around people that have proven they are unsafe adults and anything could happen. I’m sick of people acting like they can’t hear me even when I’ve talked about something a million times. No, they are choosing to ignore you and mainly because they don’t respect you. I remember all those times telling her how I didn’t want my child around my Dad and how many times I was made to feel like I didn’t get a choice. I do though. I’m her Mother and I have custody so I’m well within my rights to decide where she is and who she’s around and I don’t give a fuck if anyone’s feelings are hurt. It’s my job to protect my child, not an adults feelings.
It’s fine if she wants to ignore me or act like I’ve never said anything but I’m standing firm on my boundaries and that’s the way it is. I’m not going to be around anyone that works very hard to make me feel like my opinion doesn’t matter and I don’t get a say on what’s going on, even where my child is concerned. I’m not going to give in and give in and give in and just pray nothing bad happens. I’m not doing that. I’ve rolled over and accepted enough in my life that I’m not going to when it comes to my kid. If I’m to be ignored, that’s fine I don’t have to be around you and neither does my child. You’d think after what happened to her own children, she would be more alert with things but she’s not. I think at the end of the day she doesn’t care.
All the clothes that came from her house yesterday absolutely stink and I’ll be washing everything tomorrow. I don’t like the musty way they smell and I know my daughter won’t wear them. I remember specifically asking her for a shit of my daughter’s and she swore up and down it wasn’t there but low and fucking behold, it was in the bag of stuff that came from her house. I’d also asked if my daughter had any pants there considering there was none at my place and she’d been doing our laundry and again, found 5 or 6 pairs. I don’t know if she just got lazy and didn’t want to look or what happened but I got to spend more money because she had no pants. It’s so crazy when you ask for certain things and don’t get them. I asked specifically for my belt and Starbucks straws and didn’t get them. Like why, just why?
I’m so glad to have everything in my own place and I’ll never leave anything anywhere ever again. I’m so fucking sick of replacing shit because people don’t think it’s important to give it back. I’ve spent thousands replacing things and I’m still not done. It’s always been an issue anytime things have been left anywhere and I don’t even know why I bother asking for our stuff back because it just doesn’t happen and I spend the money to buy it all over again anyway. I think people just like being able to provoke me or something. I think it’s more about making me mad than anything else. I truly believe they like making me mad and then knowing I’m having to spend money. I think it gives them a thrill.
Again, I fucking hate people and it’s going to be a very long time before I have too much to do with anyone. Every time I turn around, there’s another lesson to be learned that I didn’t ask for. I’m sorry that I ever moved to begin with but now I’m just going to do my own thing and protect myself at all costs. I’m tired of people disrupting my peace and causing me anger. I’m tired of being mad honestly. The only way to avoid being mad is to just stay the absolute fuck away from everyone. People seriously suck and I don’t think most of them have any idea what it is to have a health relationship with anyone. So it’s like, why try? I know what kind of person I am and what kind of situation I want with people but they don’t.
I’m getting ready to leave for work now. I’m going to hang out with my daughter for a few minutes. I’ll try and write when I get home later.
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